EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Hi Stilltryin, thanks again.

I was going to post later but I can't sleep anyway, so here goes. The MC basically suggested that we work out the terms of our S between us before it happens. So every single issue we need to hash out...oh that should be fun huh? She said she's seen people do "pretend we're single," "honor the terms of our M but not be together," etc.

We worked through some of it tonight, but we have a LOT more work to do. I found a site about "Controlled Separation" where you come to agreement on all the big issues and write up an informal "contract" with each other. I think that may work for us...we'll see. I'd rather have at least talked it all through than just wave goodbye and wonder what we're both thinking this S means. She thinks we should work most of it out on our own during scheduled meetings with each other (so we have "S talk times" and the rest we can just be ourselves), but come to her for the stuff we can't get through. Her biggest concern was making sure we put support systems in place that were agreeable to us both. We have some friends who are mutual but H is OK with me talking to, and we agreed on what we'll each tell our families and to NEVER badmouth each other. She thought it was funny because she said something about not badmouthing and we simultaneously answered "I could never do that, s/he's too good a person!" I also told her you guys are mostly my support right now and she felt that was good... to find places to vent outside of our mutual friends. I agree, you guys/gals are so important to me!!

This weekend I should have more time to catch up and provide more support to each of YOU, but I thank you all for your help in this crisis I've been having.

H sounded VERY down on our M but I reminded him that on Monday he had told me some positive things, and he said they were all true. The MC said the same, that when she met with him he sounded very down on it all but she thinks he has hope. He agreed but said he's tired of working on it and he's scared of giving me "false hope." Here's kind of where we are...

- It's on hold for the holidays. We'll tell our families as much as needed (i.e. so his sister doesn't give us some personalized DVD with love songs and a slide show), but logistics talks are off for now. Our next MC appt is early January. I'm not sure this is smart, but she said if we wanted or needed to come back sooner to call.

- To start, he'll live with a friend and I'll stay in the house. She also thinks he should pay half the mortgage but we're still working on the money questions. H is NOT pleased about this but agreed to the moving out, at least. He's suddenly "forgetting" that he paid the mortgage while I put equal $$ into home improvements and savings, and seems to think that he's been paying the mortgage while I got a free ride. Grr. Total history rewrite and the MC saw right through it. She asked me to find bank statements to prove it and H said "Don't bother, I won't fight about it, I just wanted to say it." She pulled me aside as we were leaving and told me to stand strong on this, the house/equity is 50% mine and don't let him walk all over me. He's almost implying that I'm trying to take "his" house from him, which really hurts. I'd never do that, it's OUR house. I agreed that we try it for a month or 2 or 3 and we can ALWAYS re-evaluate who's living where.

- He's willing to do yardwork and "handyman" stuff until we can find someone to do it. I think our neighbor kid's about to get rich on yardwork. I didn't suggest this, the MC did and H said he would do it "for awhile."

- He agreed to keep going to MC if I wanted to and said it was up to me. But then he added that he wanted to keep going too because it made it easier for us to talk, and he wanted to go again in January. (this surprised me!)

- I agreed to keep the hope and faith our M will work to be true to myself, BUT also agree to be open to the possibility it won't. In turn, H said he wants to "throw in the towel" but is open to the possibility of it working out and falling in love with me.

Lots of good news, I guess, but I feel like I want to just fall in a hole and disappear. Not so bad as Monday but not a lot better. The MC saw it and asked me if I wanted to cry for awhile... I said no but then used half a box of Kleenex I think.

On the way home H drove us around all the neat neighborhoods downtown with the big gorgeous houses and the Christmas lights and acted pretty cheerful. I did my best but I know he could hear me choking up a little sometimes.

Can someone pass me the fast forward button or at least the last page of this screenplay????