EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks all for posting! Sorry I haven’t been to your threads much, my head’s been spinning. I will visit soon but as always I am sending my thoughts and support to you!!

UA – sounds like a plan, I know it is helping!! Thank you!!

Stilltryin - I definitely won’t kick H out. If he leaves it’ll be his choice and I will be sad to see him go. But, will take the opportunity to work on me and getting my own life where I want it to be. I think you’re right I need to accept it and make it clear that I do, for both of our sakes. I wonder if he even wants out bad enough to pack up all his stuff.

The “sow his oats” comment was about being free to do what he wants to do, I think (not necessarily sex although I can see why you thought of it that way!). He’s been kind of jealous of all the young single guys at work who have no obligations and don’t have to check in with anyone. They go out dancing, bar hopping, hanging out with buddies, playing pool, etc. every night. It’s not so much the meeting women part, just the freedom of no obligations and not having to “check in” with anyone. In truth I bet he can’t keep up with ‘em for more than a week though!!

I did ask him if he thought he would date other people and asked about any “rules” in terms of sex too. On the dating he said “I doubt it, I’ve never been very good at the whole dating thing.” On the sex he said “I know how a lot of guys are, but I’m not like that – even if the opportunity was there I probably wouldn’t do anything.” So… he didn’t exactly say he WOULDN’T do anything but he made it sound unlikely.

Hopefully we can iron out something more concrete in MC. I know he wants the whole “not married” experience but I draw the line at exposing myself to any STDs! If that’s what he has in mind, we’re done with any physical contact until/unless he comes back and has been thoroughly tested!!! I THINK he’s mostly looking for space to clear his head – otherwise he’d probably be running to the OW, and he’s not so far as I can tell.

I know we’ll be talking about the S in counseling tomorrow, but the only other mention I’ve made was to ask about starting the house refi to free up some cash flow. I’m bummed because we were on track to pay the house off in only about 8 more years… but, we can always pay off more principle or refi again later if it makes sense. Just trying to protect myself right now.

Thanks for your kinds words about perfection. I know you’re right, it’s just a hard thing for me to do. I told him during our big tearful convo the other night about my fear of him seeing me with the bloody nose and he was really upset. He said “No one’s perfect and you should never feel like that!” Loving myself… wow, that will take some work but I am looking forward to getting to that point!!!

He said he’s going to his friend’s house tonight and may stay there. It’s the same friend who is telling him good women are hard to find and I’m a good one (has also been calling H almost daily since he found out what’s going on – so glad he has the support!). I just hope he isn’t trying to convince this friend to ask me out or something goofy like that. We joked about it the other night because a bunch of the girls in that group of friends have a long standing joke that this guy is on our “backup” list if our Hs/boyfriends ever left. It’s a JOKE but with H’s weird behavior of trying to get me to find a guy so he doesn’t have to worry about me, there’s a nagging thought in my mind that he might be trying to set us up.