EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Hi Stilltryin – thanks for your thoughts.

I’m with you on the concern about the MC. I THINK it was probably a “reverse psychology” thing, but I really don’t know. If so it was a darn risky move from my perspective!! It could also be that she believes he’s in MLC and needs the space even though we’ll ultimately be OK. I am debating whether to ask her about it. She told me that she thought I should absolutely stand up and keep working for our marriage and she told both of us she felt we’d be together ultimately so I’m kind of confused. I guess I’m glad she introduced the idea of a trial separation too – H probably thought it was all or nothing, so here’s another option.

You’re so right about them having a hard time believing the changes. He told me everything I was doing was great but he felt like I was “scrambling” and feared it wouldn’t last. I agreed I was scrambling BUT added that in fairness, it’s because there were many years of things bothering him that I never knew about and I’m trying to fix them all at once. It’s not my job to be a mind reader. And, at the same time, from reading here I realized it’s time for me to GAL of my own.

Thanks for your input on the moving thing. I have a complete budget and list of things we’d need to sort out if we do separate (refi the house, figure out health benefits, make contact lists for our friend and family addresses/phone #s, etc.) I feel more confident that I’m ready to handle the logistics, if it comes to that. I’m on the fence as to whether to ask him for any money during that time - think we’ll talk to the MC about that. I could get by without it but having it would allow me to hire lawn care, handymen for repairs, etc. The emotions I don’t think it’s possible to fully prepare for, so I’ll take that as it comes.

I am leaning towards not moving out. It would be SO easy for him to go stay with a friend for awhile (for free and with his own room even) until he sorts out his head. He has a couple of offers already. For me to move, I’d have to look at it that I may not ever come back, so it would mean having to sort through everything, split it all up, and completely move out. I know the same COULD be true for him but there’s a trust issue. He and I both know that I’d let him back anytime to move the rest of his stuff, if it came to that. He says he’d do the same for me but I don’t trust him that far right now, especially if it’s MLC.

The more I thought about it yesterday the more I found this kind of funny: his big argument that he should be the one to stay is that he has the garage all set up the way he wants it and has a lot of shop equipment, and his hobbies are important to him.

I realized that the same is true for me! I like to cook and have the kitchen set up the way I like it, my exercise stuff is configured how I like it, and my computer has a pretty fancy set up and allows me to work from home sometimes. The other really important thing to me is my dog, and our yard’s great for her. So the “I like our house and how I’ve set up the things that are important to me” argument no longer holds any merit for me. If I moved, I’d have to pay about $400/mo more than our house payment to find a place where I could set up an office, my exercise stuff, and have a yard for the dog. So if he wants a place where he can have a big garage and set up his shop stuff, he’s welcome to find it and pay for it. I’m not the one who wants out and I’m working hard to fix things, if he’d rather get out than work on it right now, then he can go. I don’t say that out of spite, but out of doing what’s best for me right now.

Of course, I still hope it doesn’t come to that at all, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Last night he called me at work again (again, rare thing!) to see if I wanted to try and go to the big tree lighting downtown. I’ve wanted to go for YEARS and he’s never wanted to go. We realized it was too late and we’d already missed it so he asked me to come home as soon as I could, so we could set up the tree and have our own tree lighting (awwww!!!). I came home and he’d already built a fire and had started on the tree. It was hard not to think “these aren’t the actions of a man who wants to leave!” but I stopped that thought, enjoyed the moment for what it was, and we had a pretty good time decorating. His mom called and I ended up talking to her for nearly 30 minutes too – nothing major, just small talk, but that was really surprising and totally out of character for both of us. We get along alright, we just usually don’t talk much. H was really happy I talked to her for so long. I was proud I kept my PMA and kept smiling, it wasn’t easy but I did it.