EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks Julie. That’s exactly how I felt too – that if he wants to walk away from our life, he needs to really walk away from it. I am doing a detailed list of pros/cons for my decision and will see what happens with the MC. Thank you for the constant reminders that I matter. I needed to hear it today more than ever.

KML/Ellie – thank you for those additions to my stay or go list. Back in the “trying to be friends with OW” days, I was helping her check out houses and duplexes to rent. I did get a bit of a rush from it. Even if H is the one to go, I will set aside money to do some inexpensive re-decorating so I can get a bit of that high myself. We JUST bought a new bed a few months ago (sigh) but I kind of like the new bed idea too. We’ve always sprawled out in this huge king sized bed so I might take the opposite approach – get a smaller bed for the new smaller me and whoever I’ll be snuggled up with (not really but you know, the unspoken message).

H has actually been trying to get me to go out with other guys for awhile now. Early on I tried DB’ing a bit by telling him after a guy tried to buy me a drink. In the past he’d get a funny smile when I told him something like that and talk about being “his” but thanks to the other guy for boosting my ego. It used to make him kinda “want” me more. This time he said “You should’ve let him, he might’ve been a good guy.” Eek. Added that one to the "not working" list right away! Last night he told me it’s because he was hoping I’d find another guy and make this easier on all of us.

Thank you for your tips on what you did after the tears subsided. I knew these and had seen them before but it helps to see it again. I need to drum this all into my head. I need to find some friends to go out with too. Or maybe just go out by myself – it’s been years since I’ve done it but it can be empowering. Wish I’d talked him into the love languages thing before we got to this point so I knew what his are (no, I won’t try now!).

One thing I suggested is we each write a vision of our ideal marriage. Not necessarily to each other, just what our ideal looks like. To help us in the future if not now… and he actually really liked the idea. I was surprised. He wants to ask the MC to help us do it. He even said we should each write our own separately and compare them to see how close they are.

On another note… I am trying not to get irritated at all the money we’ve spent in the last year when he KNEW he was planning to leave. We had a shed built, bought a new bed, new TV, wall unit, got locked into a year contract on our expensive cable, did some remodeling to the house, had insulation put in… I mean, it’s been a lot of money we’ve been saving up for a long time to do stuff to the house! And every time we’ve bought something we gave the old “whatever it was” away to someone. So it’s not like we now have a spare TV, bed, etc. Oh, and with his encouragement I bought a new car and have a car payment for the first time in 4 years that I didn’t need to have. I wish we still had it in the bank to help us through this but oh well….what’s done is done. It’s just aggravating.

Hey this thread will probably lock up soon and I think I need a new title for the new me. Anyone got good ideas?