EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Hi Oldtimer,

Thanks for the hard to hear but very true comments. I appreciate it. I am not doing that well with detaching and I know I really need to.

1. Good point about the pictures. If he brings it up tonight I’ll talk to him more about it (if not, I’m leaving it alone for now to avoid digging a deeper hole).

2. I know you’re right about the reasons for the separation. He says he still wants to treat me like a friend and even “date” me while we’re separated. As for the house, I can live there independently for the most part, but I will need help to make a few changes to make it possible (i.e. the gate, pool). I can’t mow the lawn or do all of the handyman stuff but I could hire someone for those things. And you’re right, I should stop hoping H will do them or even offer. For the initial changes I’ll need help to make them and I don’t know anyone else to ask, but longer term I will look for that help from other places.

3. Totally agreed! Even last night I wasn’t seeking support from him – he was going out of his way to offer it. I am working on the GAL …slowly but surely. I know that’s the true key to getting through this.

4. H makes more than I do, and we’ve always kept our money separate and handled our finances pretty independently. He’s much more of a spender and I’m a saver. He likes having the savings just not DOING the actual saving – so he pays the house payment and most of our entertainment/fun stuff when we go out. I pay the other bills and set aside the savings. We never combined it into “our” money. Maybe it should’ve been a sign huh? Although actually we are both pretty happy with how we’ve handled the finances. I agree it might hurt any D proceedings if I move out too. So far the way he’s acting I think anything we do would be amicable but I don’t really know.

5. Ouch… but you’re right. I need to repeat this to myself (daily I think).

6. Thanks. I really don’t have any desire to spite H. I want us both to be happy in the long run, but one of us is going to be very unhappy with the house decision during the separation. We both want to stay in the house and we both have some really good reasons for it. The more I think about it, this subject’s probably best to discuss with the MC.

About your PS… yeah, I’m not entirely sure about this whole holidays thing either. It was H who suggested it but I kept thinking “Why bother” (didn’t say it though). I don’t know if he’s just trying to preserve my feelings or if he really wants to wait. He may also be trying not to tell the extended family in case things work out. His dad’s famous for doing that - his last marriage was over for almost a year before anyone even knew. I’m doing my best to “act as if” and enjoy what I can, but inside I’ve already kinda written off the holidays this year as most likely being one big giant blur.

Although, at this point just the time to find somewhere to live, pack, and move would probably take us through the holidays anyway. Especially if it’s me who goes because I have a lot of stuff to go through that I wouldn’t want to leave behind. He’s probably more willing to leave stuff there and go stay with a friend or something, then come get it later.