EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Dark night here... really dark. H called me at work which rarely happens, said too cheerfully he wanted to talk.

Says he's been so "mean" since the MC visit because she suggested a trial separation and he's been torn up about telling me. She DID convince him that it was only fair to all of us that he cut off contact with OW too, though. If he wants to see what life's like without me fine but without his vision clouded by her. Thought that made sense actually.

The reason she tried to cancel is she felt H had made his mind up and it wasn't worth bothering... he convinced her he wasn't sure, so that's when she suggested the trial separation. She told him to "sow your wild oats and realize F* it, I belong with Nikki." (I love this lady... she talks in a way he gets and listens to!!). To be totally honest I think it would be good for us too because this DBing 24/7 is nearly impossible, but dammit it was hard to hear.

He told me he's been more attracted to me lately and that everything I've been doing is "awesome" and he hopes I keep it up. It's what's made him unsure about leaving.

So I guess I should be happy I heard the words "trial separation" instead of "divorce" but somehow it isn't much easier.

He and the friend that he talked to last Friday (same friend that's always flirty but not overly so to me) actually talked about it a little which surprised me. The friend told him "It's hard to find a good woman and she IS one!" And H agreed. He said he thinks the friend "wants" me. I think he was only half kidding.

I did good, really good, for awhile... then he started talking logistics and I lost it. I didn't beg, I didn't plead, but I cried so hard and I'm having trouble stopping. He held me tight and asked if I understood now why he wanted to run instead of hurt me. I said yes. My face is so swollen and red and I look so awful right now.... how ridiculous is this? I keep thinking "This is bad DBing to look this way!!!" ugh.

Oh yeah the logistics... he wants to stay in the house because he can make the payment on his own and all his hobby stuff is here, and his hobbies are really important to him (agreed, and it's not stuff he could move easily). He's also good friends with a lot of the neighbors. I want to stay in the house because it's HIS choice to leave, he should have to pack up his crap and leave OUR life behind, dammit. And besides that I won't leave my dog and she likes her yard... and she barks too much to be in an apartment even though she's small. The few friends I do have that aren't through him are our neighbors, too. He started talking about the yard and pool being so much to care for. My only really bad non-DB statement, besides the crying, was I said "I get it, you want our life, just not me. Just stop talking please." I couldn't take anymore.

Tomorrow I will see about refinancing and if there's any way I could afford to stay on my own. I think so but it might be too tight to be worth it. He says if I insist on staying here he'd help make the house payment in trade for using the garage and driveway. He suggested I could get a roommate - not that we have a room for one.

Any thoughts? Do I make this as hard for him as possible right now or do I bow out and leave? What I WANT is to stay here but I don't know what to do.

He told me he cares about me, I'll always be in his life no matter what. He said maybe it's all him, maybe it's an MLC. I can't remember half of what he said. I said sort of jokingly "Damn, nice time you picked right before your birthday and Christmas." And he said we'd fake it for now and wait til after the holidays. Half of me thinks why bother, half thinks it gives me a few weeks to DB like crazy.

Oh apparently why he was so mean last night is he was drunk off his butt from skiing all day. He's been so moody lately I didn't see it. Wish I had realized that BEFORE he drove us to and from dinner!!!!!

Ugh ugh ugh.

This hurts.