EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks Stilltryin! I agree, I think she had a pretty awful childhood from what I've heard. She hasn't seen her dad since she was in her early teens - her mom took off with her when her dad's friends started molesting her and her dad thought it was funny. Nice. I do hope she finds help somewhere, just not with me or my H.

The funny part about her getting defensive was that she actually ASKED my H to tell her what she was doing. She didn't understand why women seem to hate her instantly, so she asked him. He talked to me and a few other female friends to get our feedback and passed it on to her. When her response was that she didn't care and had no respect for women anyway my first thought was "Well geez, you had your answer all along. They can see you don't like or respect them and aren't as dumb as you thought."

Friday night was a surprise. I expected "mopey" and instead got defiant and angry. H got home kind of late and said "I'm going out tonight." We usually go out together Friday night but I knew this weekend would be different - I said OK and asked what his plans were - "Guys night out." I just said to have fun and he added almost like he WANTED me to get mad that they were going to a strip club. Umm..ok. I'm not one who's bothered by him going to those places once in awhile so I said "Cool, have fun." He acted like he really wanted me to get mad about it. Maybe I shouldn't have asked what his plans were - I'm not sure about that part. I know he needs space but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask in a calm and nice way if he has plans - I'm really just asking "Do we have plans together or are you doing something else tonight?" I think it's only fair to let each other know general plans so we can figure out what times we'll be doing stuff together or separately. Any thoughts on that??

After all that he ended up going to a friend's house instead - the same one I mentioned that I wanted to call because he's so good at getting H out of bad moods. Before he left, H made me a fire in the fireplace and chopped a bunch of extra wood - "so that you and the dog can be warm while you read or watched a movie or whatever." I have no idea what that was about but it was really nice!! I fell asleep on the couch - he ended up coming home fairly early and actually fell asleep on the floor near the fireplace.

In an episode of really bad timing, my mom and I went to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra last night. H thought his friend would be here late working on cars so he didn't make other plans, and the friend ended up leaving right when I did. Having fun and getting out with people is really really important to H on Friday and Saturday nights so here we are on the first Saturday without OW and he's suddenly alone with no plans and it's pretty late to call anyone. Ugh.

But I'm proud of him. The easy thing would've been to say "forget it, one last night with OW won't hurt" and he didn't. He called up our neighbor friends instead and they went out to dinner then rented a movie.

Oh, and the Trans Siberian Orchestra was AMAZING!!! It's the third year my Mom and I have gone to see them and I really like this new tradition. They are absolutely incredible. I managed to take my mind off all this for awhile. They make it "snow" inside the arena and I just love that part. I smiled and laughed like a little kid when the snow started to fall!! We keep trying to talk H into going because I think he'd love it but no luck so far. I nervously joked with Mom "Well, by this time next year things will probably either be a whole lot worse or a whole lot better.. if they're better maybe we'll all go!"

The ski trip got postponed to today (Sun) and H is out doing that. He was very excited to go and I'm really happy that he did (and OW isn't there).

So I just realized this whole darn update practically is about H and OW and all that... <sigh>. Must learn to detach!!! This is a little bit more about me - it's amazing, I don't even know if he's cut off contact with her yet or is in the process or what, but it is SUCH a relief not to feel that pressure anymore. I don't have to be nice to her, I don't have to pretend to like her, worry she's going to show up here or be invited out with us. I still feel the pressure to make myself a whole new woman, but now I feel like I have a shot at finding the new ME without this tremendous weight on my shoulders.

Today I had all these plans to get stuff done and when I got out of bed I realized something. It's a hair-in-a-ponytail, sweatpants and sweatshirt kind of day for me. If I weren't working so hard to lose weight it'd probably be a pint of Ben & Jerry's day, too. I have been working so hard to DB - to always look great, wear new stuff, do new things, etc. and as all of you know, it gets kind of exhausting. I feel like I never get to just RELAX - even during my "relaxing" time I'm trying so hard to relax in new ways. So I'm taking the opportunity to do absolutely nothing this morning and it feels really good.

I'm off to catch up on other posts - hope that your weekends are all going well!!