EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks Ellie for the support and suggestions.

I'm having trouble finding those posts by fixzzle but would really like to read them - do you know how to search by poster's name? I can see there's a huge hole that I will need to fill so H can see a new direction for us. I didn't realize it was a dopamine fix, that's good to know. I am really encouraging him to still go skiing with B and N tomorrow - I know the physical activity will help as will seeing that he can have fun doing things with people OTHER than OW. He seems to have almost forgotten that.

An update from last night... H did get home - late but not extremely late and he left his cell phone on, "So you could reach me and not worry." He wanted very much to talk when he got here. I told him I was sorry the MC made him feel so bad and he said I misunderstood - she didn't make him feel bad, just made him think. She convinced him that getting OW out of his life was the "honorable" thing to do and that he's an honorable man. I thought that was a little bit strange. Clearly, she's better at dealing with this stuff than I am but I just found it a surprising way to approach it. He said he talked to OW a little bit and told her "we need to stop hanging around together so much" and then told me, "I shouldn't have said 'so much,' it made her think we'll still be friends. She wants to find a happy medium but I know there isn't one, I need her out of my life."

He said "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this but I wanted you to know, I don't agree with you and the MC that she's manipulative. I really don't. It doesn't matter anymore but I just wanted you to know that." I said I knew he didn't think so. He also said "This wasn't our only problem, you know that right?" and I said absolutely yes, I knew we had a lot more to talk about. I told him I hoped the MC didn't give him the impression that I made it all about the OW and he said she didn't. They talked about other things - the only other one he mentioned to me was that she asked him how long he thought he'd live. I wonder if she's fishing to see if he might be in MLC? or suicidal thoughts? He told her "maybe late 70s, early 80s" so I took that as a good sign.

Then he said "We have so much more to talk about. I just don't want to hurt you, that's all." So it sounds like he's still on the fence but leaning towards getting out but trying not to hurt me in the process. I didn't push the issue AT ALL but hope my DB efforts before our next session can help.

He said the MC actually tried to cancel next week's appointment because she thought we didn't need her anymore. WHAT?!? I was really upset by that. He convinced her we should still meet. Is she just not seeing the deeper issues we have, or is she trying to get him on the side of fighting to save our M or something? I plan to ask her next week (if I can resist the urge to call today and ask).

The rest of what he said was so tremendously sad. He said "I just have to learn to accept that this is it - this is the best my life will ever get and this is the best person I will ever be." (but it was clear from his tone that this "best" was very bad). Then he said he wanted to call in sick today so he didn't have to see her. I said that was a good idea if he needed the time to himself and then he added "sick of living."

Man oh man... I stayed calm, I didn't freak out, I said I was sorry he was feeling so low. I asked him to believe in the power and potential of change. He grabbed my hand and said he'd try but he didn't think it was possible. I also told him he's a very good man, I know it, his friends and family know it, and he will see it again soon. He said thanks for that and sounded sincere.

Neither of us got much sleep at all but he did go to work after all.

Anyone have suggestions for what to do next?

I will definitely continue the 180s and surprises, those have been very positive.

Any other ideas? What action can I take to back up my words that he's a good man? Show him that we really can be something more and better? I feel it but I need to show it, too.