EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Oh my gosh... I had to come here and share.

I talked to H a bit ago. I called him to happily share how good I did on the treadmill tonight (.5 mile, doesn't sound like a lot but it's a milestone for me!). He likes hearing about my progress health and physical wise usually so I thought he'd want to know.

I was very surprised but he had just left the MC - he was there for TWO HOURS. The man rarely says 2 words about his feelings and he was there two hours. Can I just say I love this MC?? The fact that she'd talk to him a whole extra hour is just amazing. She acted like she almost felt bad taking my check yesterday when I paid her for November which I thought was strange too. I feel like giving her triple pay next time!!

Anyway - H sounded really, really horrible. After I shared my treadmill news he was trying hard to fake a happy tone and said "That's great." Then I asked if the MC went OK. He said "I guess." Then I said "Want to talk about it?" and he said "I feel like s**t."

Ugh.

So I said I was sorry he felt so bad, I had hoped the MC would be helpful, and did he want to talk about it. He said no but then immediately blurted out "I can't believe I ever became friends with [OW's name]. I knew better. Now I have to figure out how to push her out of my life."

WOW

WOW

WOW

I feel absolutely awful that H is feeling so bad and I wish I could fix it, but I can't. I know he wishes he could go back in time and un-do it too.

I asked him to tell me if there was anything I could do to help and he said he would. I promised to support him and told him I loved him and cared about him, and understood how hard this would be to do. He also said he hoped he'd be fired so he wouldn't have to quit (I guess they've been on a firing "spree" at his work lately). He's got open job offers at other shops that his friends own or work at - it's a bit less money and not quite so nice places, but a job loss wouldn't be a huge deal for him/us. He could be back working in less than a week easily.

I tried to talk about other things a bit because he seemed to want that.. didn't want to hang up but didn't want to talk too much about the MC. So we talked about some of his other friends, the crazy traffic accident I saw this morning, funny stuff that happened at work, how my sales were going good on eBay.. little things. Maybe it was a mistake but I asked, truly enthusiastically, if he was excited to ski on Sat. with B and N. I really want him to understand that I am encouraging him to do stuff he enjoys with his non-toxic friends whether I can do it or not. He said he was never skiing again and he wanted to return the pass. I asked if he had liked the skiing or just the time with OW and he said the skiing, so I said he should still go and I was sure he could find other friends to go with. He said maybe and even named a few people, but that he didn't want the pass to "her" ski place.

I didn't ask about the status of "us" or if he'll go to the next MC session with me - I felt like it would be pressure and rushing things big time. So, for all I know he still wants out of "us" but has just realized how toxic she is. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I am so thrilled that the MC got through to him that OW is not a good person for him to have in his life. I was very scared about her putting this pressure on him but it seems she could tell it was an OK time. At least I hope so.

Before we hung up I asked if he was on his way home or going to drive around a bit (he finds driving around therapeutic). He said he didn't know, probably drive around. But then he said out of nowhere "Don't worry I'm coming home. To you. Tonight, I mean. It won't be too late I just don't know exactly when, but I'll be home and it'll be tonight." I didn't ask for any of those reassurances, he just offered them. I told him I'd be here and call me if he needed me or just wanted to talk, even about nothing.

Of course now it's getting late and he's not here and my mind is racing... trying to use the ol' stop sign though. This was HUGE and will be tremendously hard for him and I know I need to give him time and space to deal with it. He's so dark sometimes that I'm terrified he's one of those people who's secretly suicidal, but in my heart I don't think so. And I HAVE to stop worrying. Maybe it's time for that bath and glass of wine.

We have a heckuva long way to go. There's still whatever action he decides to take to get away from her (I'm not dumb, I KNOW this will cause her to try and tighten her grip). And there's still a lot of work to fix the problems that allowed this to happen and figuring out how to find our connection and passion for life and each other again. No small tasks, for sure. But just the fact that he said it, to me, that he needs her out of his life - I am so glad for that. I have no idea how he's going to go to work tomorrow - his job involves seeing her over and over all day long (she runs the parts department and he's a mechanic.. can't really avoid her!), but I have to leave that to him.

I'm off to try and stop worrying and do something relaxing. I need to check in with all of you and promise I will tomorrow or this weekend. Tonight I need to get my mind off this for awhile.

Thanks for all your ongoing support, and please keep us in your thoughts. We may have turned a corner tonight. I sure hope so.