EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Hi Stilltryin,

You make some great points about the “B”/ “bad vibes” thing with OW. I’d love to never mention her but I’m kind of forced into it by my H. He talks about her constantly and tries to bring her places with us. But you’re right that it’s very out of character, and not in a good way, for me to act nasty to her. I can’t talk to her about it – she would almost certainly twist anything I said and use it against me or to draw H closer. She’s done this so many times to so many couples, I don’t think she finds anything wrong with it so convincing her it’s wrong would be nearly impossible.

The more I think about it, I will ‘compete’ and definitely take the suggestion from the MC to really be physically close to my H when she’s around. Flirt with him, compliment him, be right there instead of hanging back watching the two of them act like infatuated high schoolers. I won’t act like she’s my friend because she’s not, BUT I’ll be civil and don’t think I’ll do the nasty looks thing. I just don’t know that I have it in me and you’re right, it lessens my character. I’m better than that.

I hope I’ll have a firmer grasp on where H’s mind is after his MC tonight, although I don’t know if I will. I can’t seem to find the DR book locally so I ordered it from Amazon today and look forward to reading it.

Excellent reminder to journal what works and doesn’t, too.

I don’t know if this counts as an “it worked” – any thoughts? H called to ask me to get online and see if the ski resort was open yet. My heart sank and I felt sick that after our talk he was asking me to help plan his day with her - but I looked and said that opening day’s tomorrow. And he said “I want to go on Saturday with N and B, is that cool?” (a couple, the former friends of OW’s). I said “Yes” but in a kind of unhappy tone, and then he said “If it’s any consolation to you, [OW’s name] isn’t going, just me, N, B, and maybe another guy from work.” I barely knew how to respond but I said “That is great news for me and for us, thank you for doing that and for telling me. I’m excited that it’s opening day and you finally get to go!” He seemed unhappy that she’s not going but happy that he is going and that I’m excited for him. At the very least it’s positive because it’s one less day that they’re hanging out together, but I have a shred of hope that maybe he’s also doing it out of respect for me and my feelings. And of course, a shred of doubt that the lies are starting…. <sigh>… but I’m trying to have faith in him.