EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

As I mentioned earlier, I had a GREAT session with the MC last night and wanted to share it here. I feel so much better and more confident in what I need to do now. I hope some of this helps others too! Advance warning it's long. I'll try paragraphs/bullets to help!

This was my solo session - she could tell that we needed to talk separately about the EA/OW so she could get the full story. H goes in tonight to tell his side.

I told the MC some of the OW's history - all male friends, all divorced, she was involved with most of the Ds. Also that H was the one who told me all this but seems to have forgotten the whole conversation. She works in a male dominated profession, uses flirting to get what she needs, etc. She asked why I let this woman be around and I said I don't really "let" her but can't control what H does, and I also don't feel like I can say things about H's contact w/her since they're doing things I can't do (i.e. she's his "ski buddy"). I told her about trying to be friends with her, trying to find the good qualities in her that H likes, etc.

I told her H has insisted all along that no PA has happened but that at this point it barely mattered and she said "That's exactly what I was thinking." Also told her I don't think she'd even be in a relationship with my H if he wanted to - she just enjoys the game, and the MC said "Well that's very good news!"

She was impressed with all the thinking I've done on it (thanks guys, lots of it's due to you!). Her first comment was "He's cake eating!" Yeah, we knew that! So I asked for help dealing with it, and here's some of what we talked about. Not all of it is very "DB" but it feels right, so I'm giving it a try.

- Have I considered talking to the OW since we do have contact? I said I was concerned she'd use anything I told her to manipulate H and me. She asked why I had that concern and I told her about the stepped up contact since last week, the tennis racquet, their talk about how to act around me, etc. and she agreed maybe it wouldn't be good to talk to her. We both feel like anything friendly she's doing towards me is pretty fake and that she probably doesn't have any respect for me. She laughed hard when I told her about their conversation about how to act around me and confirmed that I should not let that suck me in to their games further.

- My physical issues are NOT an excuse for him to do things with her and not a reason for me to accept it. There are thousands of male people in this city and even dozens of people he's friends/acquaintances with who enjoy skiing, running, hiking, biking, whatever. In the past I was too needy and too dependent on him for everything - so, I commit to backing off when he does things with MALE friends and will encourage it.

- Forget about the physical issues I have. Act as if I'm a normal strength woman and approach him that way. I have the right to insist on respect and good treatment. She asked what I'd say to him if I DIDN'T have the physical issues and I said "You know, I have no idea." So I will think about that.

- Continue to make H question her and don't be afraid to point out her manipulations. I'm his friend, he respects me and will think about what I say and it will help him see her for who she is. She liked my reply on the tennis racquet but thought it should've been even stronger - I should've added a laugh and said "You're kidding right?" Make it clear that the manipulation is 100% obvious to me and I'm surprised he doesn't see it.

- Be true to myself. If she's not my friend, don't act like she is. Don't be around her in ANY situation where I'm not comfortable, and quit being nice to her. Be authentic.

- What happened last week when I got so angry was not wrong in her mind. I was finally being true to myself and my feelings and she told me several times it's NOT wrong to be angry or express anger in a marriage. Sometimes it's the only way your spouse sees how you truly feel, especially if you're usually the "bottle it up inside" type. I told her I thought my blowout was a mistake because H was so depressed and acted so odd ever since and things had been going well before that. She said very matter of factly that I didn't blow it, HE blew it when he didn't honor his promise to come help with the groceries. He knew it, he knew I was right to be angry, that's why he was acting so "off," and it wasn't my responsibility to make him feel good when he blew it and acted like a jerk.

- Good people can do bad things. My H is a good person but he's being sucked in by a "seductress" (her word). I laughed at that one and said "Yeah, she's a professional!" I said it hurt to see such a good man sucked in by someone like her and the MC said "He can't see it, he's starstruck right now."

- It's OK to be angry at the actions of someone that you love, and still love them.

- Let go of my big fear that he's going to feel like he has a fun, carefree time with her and come home to me being angry and he's going to see me or our M as the source of his unhappiness. She said he's smarter than that and I should feel OK about standing up for myself and for our marriage.

- DO make sure we continue to do fun things together as much as possible. He needs to see my disapproval about the EA but also needs to see the good, fun me.

- If I feel up to it, continue to go to social things where she will be but learn to bring out my inner b!tch (yes she used this word!). Don't be nice to her, and instead of hanging back, be right there next to him. If it means he has one of us on each arm, so be it. While I'm at it - smile, have fun, flirt, prop up his ego, and get this - shoot her dirty looks so that it's very clear to everyone around that I don't like her, am NOT ok with her being around. This "bad vibe" thing will be hard for me but I'm kind of looking forward to trying it. She said that even "their" friends won't like what's going on and since he's pretty sensitive to his friends' feelings, she thinks it will pressure him further to cut things off. Yep, you got that right, even though it sounds like "high school drama" to me. I like the idea.

- She thought it was GREAT that I told our mutual friend what was going on and that she supported me. She asked if I feel like people think I'm stupid or a doormat when "the 3 of us" go along to social things and I said absolutely yes, and she said if I'm true to myself and try the other things she suggested that will stop. It will be clear I KNOW what's going on, that I know it's wrong and I'm not stupid.

- Keep on planning stuff with our "old" mutual friends, and if she comes along don't be afraid to tell them I don't like OW and I'm not OK with her spending time with my H. It's not being disloyal to H - it's being loyal to our M.

- Look at everyone and everything in our lives as either a friend to our marriage or an enemy to it. She's an enemy to our marriage. I'm the only one willing to stand up and defend it right now but that's OK. FIGHT.

- H's moods are not my fault, even if something I say triggers it. It's not my responsibility to keep him in a good mood. If he's in a bad mood due to HIS actions then it's HIS problem, even if I was the one to point out the actions.

- He isn't going to get his wish of not hurting anyone, so both of us need to stop thinking that can happen.

- It's not possible to get mentally strong enough for a D, so stop thinking I can. She said it would be devastating for us both and I should stop focusing on gaining mental strength "just in case." Use that energy fighting to improve our marriage instead.

- Tell him what I really think and feel, and tell him I'm standing up for our marriage. Be very clear. She suggested for example telling him about the skiing - "I know I can't control what you do, but it's not acceptable to me for you to go skiing with her unless you are with a group of friends. It hurts me, and it hurts our marriage. I don't like it and I will not support it." Don't even say "Do what you want to do" because that sounds like permission - say "I know I can't control what you do" to put the responsibility on him. Oh my gosh.. can I really say that? Especially when he's not necessarily wanting to be married right now? She thinks yes.

- She asked how I thought this would all turn out. I burst into tears and said I didn't know, I wished I could turn to the last page of the book and find out. She said she normally wouldn't say this so soon but that she thinks that he may pull closer to her for awhile, she's going to burn him, and he's going to come back to his REAL friend in life, and pointed at me. Wow.

- Absolutely DO NOT support anything he says or actions he takes in regards to divorce. Another thing she said she normally wouldn't say so early on but she feels very strongly that we are two very good people who are good for each other.

She said she won't keep any secrets between us and will tell him all this today, although I asked her to be cautious because he is very scared of her thinking he's a jerk and taking sides with me. She said "I don't side with either one of you, I side with your marriage because I think it's worth it."

Wow wow wow...

So I told H some of what she said - that it was possible to be angry with someone you love deeply, that I should be true to myself and stop being nice to OW if that's not how I feel. Told him half joking "the fight's on now - if you're gonna make me compete I'll fight and fight hard!" It's the second time I've said it and meant it and he gets a pained look on his face every time, but it didn't bother me this time. I also told him that the MC agrees with me that H is a very good person, that she really likes him, and she sees that we care deeply for each other. He looked very worried and I said "Don't be scared about your appointment tomorrow - she really likes you and respects you." He said he knew but that he didn't deserve it... gave me this huge hug, then nearly ran out the door to go for a drive. I had no idea where he was going or for how long, but he was back 15 minutes later (no time to go all that far!) and it was like my old H was back - really romantic, made us a fire, complimented the dinner I made us, snuggled on the couch, etc.

I have no idea what to expect tonight. I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty pivotal MC session and may even determine if he'll keep going. I hope that she can make him feel as awesome and empowered as I felt when I walked out of there but I'm not sure if it's realistic... we shall see.

Whew, I warned you it'd be long. Hope some of those little nuggets are useful though!