EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks for stopping by Julie!

I was just reading through some of the threads over on MLC and it scared the heck out of me. I wonder if this is what he's going through.

Interestingly enough I came home last night and H was here - he fell asleep on the couch instead of going running with OW. She called later on to ask if he'd go running today instead but he didn't commit one way or the other. I think she's looking for things to do with him every day instead of just the skiing every so often (also explains the tennis racquet). She makes sure everything she suggests is something I can't do but pretends it's not intentional. He is constantly emphasizing how they're friends and nothing more. Somehow he seems to think their little talk the other day has re-opened the possibility of us all hanging out or something - maybe because she's promised to act less sleazy when I'm around. He wants me to go to dinner at her house this week (with the roommate, roommate's girlfriend, and OW's H).

This morning H looked all distant and weird again, and I finally figured out what it is. It's the look when he wants to make plans w/her but knows it's wrong. He finally spit it out - "Do we usually do something on the anniversary of our engagaement? I saw it was on the calendar." I said "Why, trying to make plans w/OW?" (in retrospect this was probably not a good question to ask) He said yes that they were thinking about going skiing. He thought I'd appreciate them going on a Friday instead of the weekend so that he'd be home with me for the weekend. It's just so weird - like he cares about me but doesn't. I reminded him what we usually do (go out to dinner at the restaurant where we got engaged) but said to do whatever he wants. If we don't go out I will make sure I find something fun to do so I'm not just sitting home feeling sorry for myself.

The positives: he's contacting old friends; he's going out with me more and not trying to invite her all the time; he's talking about future plans sometimes; we're sleeping in the same bed and he's even re-started snuggling most mornings before he leaves for work; he's participating in MC; our sex life is better than it's been in years; he's talking to me and he's pretty open and honest about his contact w/her (I think, not putting TOO much faith in that though). He's even saying lots of positive things to his friends and family about me. And for me - I'm feeling stronger, losing weight, eating better, and finding more GAL things to do. This week I decluttered the office and sold a bunch of stuff on eBay.

But the negatives are so overwhelming and hard to deal with. I'm truly lost and don't know what to do.

Half of me feels like I need to give him some kind of ultimatem - the other half feels like I need to lay low, try to ignore the OW as much as possible, and let the counselor help us sort this stuff out. She's talking to him alone this week and the main topic will be the EA. I'm hoping she'll help him see it for what it is and further hoping he'll make the choice to step back from OW, but I don't know... he is so easily manipulated by this woman (and she's darn good at the manipulation). I have regained some sanity by not letting her come over here and hang out with us anymore, but I'm not happy at all with all the other contact they're having. I don't even know what the ultimatem would be if I did give him one. Cutting off all contact isn't realistic since they work together and have a lot of friends in common. I think I'd be OK with only seeing her at work or doing things where they're in a group of people, but even if he agreed to that, am I just setting myself up to be lied to?

Baby steps... baby steps... but I wish I knew what direction to even take those steps in.