EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Hi Maisey - thanks for posting! I know it doesn't sound like it but I completely agree with you. It doesn't work, is unacceptable, and I know I deserve better. The problem is... I can only control me, not what H does. He doesn't recognize his "friendship" for what it is. Actually he is starting to, I think, but he hasn't really worked through it in his head yet. He just thinks she's this great friend, and why can't I see what a great person she is.

So... I'm not really "letting" him continue with it - if I had that kind of power, believe me, it'd be stopped. I can ask him not to see her but that sets up a situation where he'll see her anyway and lie to me about it. At least as it stands he's open and honest with me (I think... it seems like it anyway). I can give him an ultimatem, but I'm not ready for the consequences - especially with the very fragile state of our marriage right now. About the best I can do is try to plan stuff for us to do together that she doesn't like, or with friends that he's uncomfortable having her around. I have put my foot down about her coming over to our house or going out "the 3 of us," but I don't know of much more I can do. H is on the fence about our marriage, barely willing to go to counseling, and was ready to separate 6 weeks ago - so saying "She goes or I go" isn't an option unless I want to push him out the door. He is just finally coming to terms with the fact that I don't like her and his vision of the 3 of us being best pals isn't gonna happen. I can tell he's thinking a lot about it, and I hope he decides to do the right thing.

The only other thing I can really work on is realize my role leading up to this and take steps to make myself better. What I really, really want is for us to work through this and repair our marriage together, but I'm also working on gathering strength so that I know I'll be OK no matter what happens.

H asked me this morning when his one on one visit with the MC was and said he is really anxious to talk to her. I hope it's a good sign.