EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Hi all, thanks so much for the posts and support! I need to catch up on everyone else's threads too. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

Julie - wish I wasn't posting due to things going well, it had more to do with getting ready for Thanksgiving and being really down this week (darn rollercoasters).

I found out Monday that the OW and her H had a really horrible weekend and that they've decided to finally file for D. She's been a wreck and hasn't been showing up to work, so H has been going over to "support" her every day after work. Her roommate's been there and they've been inviting me to dinner so I know nothing THAT bad is going on but it still upsets me.

I was doing pretty well earlier in the week, but I'm still letting things get to me too much. I took Tues-Fri off this week to prepare for the big Thanksgiving get together. Even though only 3 of us were "my" family and the other 16 were H's, I knew I'd be doing most of the work. ALL I asked H to do were the handful of things that were especially hard for me - pick up the turkeys, be home to help carry in the groceries, and pick up the rental chairs. Apparently that was too much to ask.

Tues afternoon I called to confirm what time he'd be home so I could plan the big grocery trip... he told me a time, I shopped. Got home, no H, no answer on the cell. I freaked out - I mean, lost it. I don't think I have ever been so angry in my life. It was the first time I have ever nearly punched a hole in the wall. I used most of the angry energy to bring the groceries into the house (luckily not much breakable stuff!). The stuff that was too heavy for me to carry I threw in a pile in the middle of the driveway. Then I did all H's normal chores - took the trash out etc. but I just couldn't shake the anger. I paced around for awhile then packed up a bag to take off... went in to go to the bathroom first, and heard H opening the front door. I locked myself in the bathroom until I could at least slap a smile on my face, but I couldn't talk to him or even look at him. It was very weird!!! I decided not to leave but kept cleaning the house with this fake smile on my face. H kept asking me to come sit and watch a movie with him and I just kept politely saying "No thanks." It took about an hour but he finally apologized - he helped me mop the floors and we did end up watching the movie but things were TENSE. He gave me some lame excuse about thinking the grocery store would be busy so he thought he had more time and I just said "Forget it, I don't want to hear it."

Wednesday night we went out to dinner and he started talking about OW and her Thanksgiving plans AGAIN. I absolutely lost it... told him they better not be planning on her "dropping by" behind my back unless he was hiring Jerry Springer's bodyguards. He said "Wow I didn't know you were still so mad from last night" and I told him why I had shut the door, that I had almost punched the wall. He told me "It doesn't help, you just end up breaking your hand." I told him I was angry that he cared more for her and her feelings than he did for me, and that he had so little respect for me he couldn't do the one thing I asked. I know I made him feel awful. Ugh. I am so angry at myself for ruining what could've been a really nice dinner out and build those positive memories.

Anyway... he apologized and promised me several times that there was no way she would drop by and that he had told her not to. H also told me to let him know right away if I saw her car out front and he'd take care of it. He also kept telling me that she cares about me, asks about me, considers me her friend, etc. I said that she's most definitely NOT my friend...forget what else I even said.

Thanksgiving morning I apologized for flipping out. I told H that what I will try my hardest not to respond or talk to him about her unless it's something I really need. In this case I really needed him to understand that I couldn't handle her showing up and that I should've been able to tell him that calmly. He agreed and I asked him to help me by telling me when he sees me starting to "flip" from calm to angry. He said "I wish I hadn't let her become my good friend" and also that he wished he could just disappear so no one would get hurt. I told him that would just hurt all of us even more. I asked him what more I could do to make this work better so we can stop having this same dumb fight and he said he didn't know. Awhile later he said "You just don't want me around her at all, do you?" I said the truth is I think he wants OW and I to be best pals and it won't happen, and I want her to just disappear without hurting him which also won't happen. Since neither of us can get what we want, I asked if he was willing to try and think of a middle ground we could agree on, and he said yes. We didn't talk more about it yet so I don't know what that'll be, but I think we'll probably talk about it with the MC this week.

After all that all the aunts and uncles and grandparents started arriving. I tried to act "as if" but I know I didn't do that great of a job. I kept a smile on my face and all that but I was pretty distant - I kept feeling the tears welling up and it was easier not to cry if I stayed "busy" cooking and cleaning, so I didn't do a lot of visiting. Everyone kept asking about next year's plans and I just didn't know what to say.

So I have no idea how things are going. I feel like H really is trying to work on things with me but it's like we're stuck, and at times I'm being really destructive to our M and I don't know why. We used to never talk about our problems, now we talk about it but it seems like we aren't moving forward very well. I keep trying to tell myself that there are lots of positives too. I mean, he still cares enough that he felt bad about what he did... he still wants to go out and do things with me and spend time with me... he is giving suggestions for ways we can do things better. And I'm able to act happy a lot of the time so we do have good interactions together. That's all positive, right?? But things still feel so dark right now. It's almost like I CAN'T let the good part stay good... I should have been able to this week and I messed it up. <sigh>

Saturday should be another adventure. H wants to bring OW along to a party we're invited to. The funny thing is that she's met these people and doesn't like them - in fact she threw a big fit to H about how they were rude and disrespectful to her after we all went boating one time last summer. It's the same friends we saw last weekend when I had that really great night. In fact at one point one of the guys (single) asked about her and H TOLD them about her little fit and that she probably wouldn't go out with him because of the boating trip. After that one of the guys' girlfriends came over to me and said "Wait, she's H's friend, not YOUR friend?" and I said "Yes" and she freaked out... "Honey I am so sorry, I didn't know that. I thought she was YOUR friend. I can't believe this.. I think I hate her now!" Pretty funny actually. I told H that I didn't really think it was a good idea for OW to go given that she already dislikes these people, they know it, and the host's girlfriend has decided she hates her, but that if he still wanted to bring her with us it was fine with me. I won't be surprised if H pulls his pouting "let's just not go anywhere" thing so I may end up going without him. If we do bring her I should have no problem looking good while she makes an idiot out of herself though!