EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

[NikB]

Thanks Stilltryin! I am still on the fence a bit about the meds.. at first when she suggested it I really wanted to give them a try but now I'm wavering a bit. H really wants me to try them for at least a month just to see if there's a big difference. You're right that I do hide it well! I have to be feeling pretty awful before anyone seems to see it.

The rest of the weekend was very strange compared to Friday night. Sat. was pretty good and my H seemed happy most of the day, but Sat. night he got very distant and started talking incessantly about EA/OW again. He apparently ran into her former best friend earlier in the day and they had a long talk about her. I say former best friend because the OW moved in with this friend after leaving her H - they got into a big fight not long after, and haven't spoken since. I think it was her only female friend but they'd been friends for over 10 years. The big fight was because the friend didn't know OW had been cheating on her H and figured it out, and I guess had a lot of strong words to say about it. Oh, and apparently the friend felt that OW was "hitting on" her new boyfriend all the time (sound familiar?? I swear she cannot be around a man and NOT hang all over him).

So my H caught the OW in a lie and was REALLY upset about it. She always told H that the friend threw her out of the house and did the "poor me" thing. I actually knew that she hadn't been kicked out but apparently H didn't know that, and was all shocked that she would lie to him. I think he wouldn't have believed the best friend either except that I confirmed her story. I had pushed OW herself on it back when I was attempting to be friends with her and she admitted that she had chosen to move because she didn't like the way her friend talked to her about the affair (guess she didn't want the truth). I finally said to H "I know I look down on her, but do you see that you put her on a pedastal? I mean it's like she can do no wrong. She cheated on her H, she's in an R with a married man - please just think about it." He agreed he puts her on a pedastal but he had the weirdest reply and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. He said "She didn't start dating [boyfriend] until she had decided to leave her H. So it's not really like she cheated on him." I said "But she hadn't told him yet and hadn't made any move to leave yet right?" and H said "No, but she had already decided to leave." I didn't say what I wanted to say, but all I can think is - does that mean because H is considering leaving that he also considers himself "single" now? Or am I totally projecting and he doesn't even see the parallels between her situation and ours?? I think I'll put this on my list of stuff to talk to the MC about privately. Oh and get this... H thinks the boyfriend is cheating on OW already. sheesh. I should write a book or soap opera script or something.

He also talked about getting his ski pass for the season and I had to say something. Well I guess I didn't HAVE to and maybe I shouldn't have, but I felt like I really needed to stand up for myself a bit. I'm trying to give him space but still express the most important of my own needs (similar to what I had to do for Thanksgiving, putting my foot down about her being here). I said "I know you love skiing and I want you to go, but can I ask you for one thing? Can I ask that you not go alone, just the two of you, until we figure out what's going on with us?" He got really upset at first but then said "Yeah I know it's wrong to go alone with her." I named off a whole bunch of his friends who like to ski and he said some other people from work are talking about going too - and I said again "I'm not asking you not to go and I'm not asking you to sacrifice an activity you like just because I can't do it with you - I know I've made that mistake in the past. All I'm asking for is that you don't go alone with her." He said that she's the only one who will consistently go - but then commented that will probably change if she starts spending more time with her boyfriend so he will hold off on getting the ski pass. I suggested he go with her H - they actually get along and he could probably use a friend right now!

I'm not sure what to make of it all.. nothing I guess, but it's so hard not to overanalyze everything!! Part of why he says he regrets getting married is not being "free" to do whatever he wants. I know I need to give him space but I mean... yes, that IS part of being married is not being 100% free to do whatever you want. I am giving him a lot more space and realize that if I don't he'll make sure he has all the space he needs by leaving, but for now I don't think it's totally unreasonable to ask for this. I dunno.. I hope that wasn't a mistake. Any thoughts??