Well… I’ve been stalling about coming over here because I don’t feel like my H and I are “Piecing our marriage back together” but maybe the operative word here is “PIECING” as in particle by particle.
Our rebuilding our marriage is not a conscious committed thing that is happening here. My H has done this, the way he does everything. He just does it. My story is in the MLC forum. It is called: “The LONG Road Home- an MLC journey”.:
It was in January of 1999 that my H dropped the bomb. I thought we were working it through. Later, much later, I found out that my H had an affair that started, I believe around August of 1999. Anyway, the story is over in that forum.
Here, I hope to share issues that I am dealing with now. These issues do not quite fit within the MLC forum.
We were scheduled to go to Retrouvaille next weekend but my H needed it postponed, until the November first weekend because of a time crunch problem.
Here is the situation, as I understand it today. We had to move in the beginning of August. At that time I told my H that I was NOT moving into another house with him if he didn’t stop seeing OW and start some kind of reconciliation, which included going to Retrouvaille and a counselor. If he wanted to be with her that was fine but I was done living with him if that was his choice. He replied that he wanted his family and that he wasn’t “having a relationship” with her, they were just friends.
Well, as you might imagine (especially those of you that have been through the whole MLC thing) his response wasn’t that reassuring but the changes in his behavior indicated that he was making an effort and he DID say he would go to Retrouvaille. So we bought a house.
I packed up all of our stuff and left with the children for a 3-week vacation in New England. H stayed behind, worked and supervised the move. When we returned all of our boxes and stuff were in our new house. H was difficult (though H has never handled our return from a trip very well) when we returned and I felt duped (so I was angry) because he was sleeping in his studio and not the master bedroom. We argued and he said he didn’t want to go to Retrouvaille and I blew up. Finally we worked through that and now he seems to be committed to going.
He has been pleasant and thoughtful for the most part. I too have been pleasant and thoughtful as well. But, underneath I am still dealing with resentment. Nothing has been really talked about and H basically has what he wants. A family life with no intimacy and commitment towards me. He is committed to supporting the family. He says he wants to attempt to be friends and to go very slowly.
I work on my resentment daily and give him the benefit of the doubt, basically biding my time until Retrouvaille to deal with anything of an OR nature.
If you read about my story you will see that H is doing REALLY well in comparison to how he behaved in the first 2+ years of his MLC. I believe I’ll just be one of those that just waited it out until MLC ran it’s full course and H decides he wants to share a bed.
I did this for my children. Really! They went through such hardship those first years of my H’s MLC. They still love their dad and I worked so hard to create stability for them in the midst of terrible chaos. I did achieve that. And now H does seem to be better and it would then be me that was tearing up the stable family because I wasn’t happy. It’s not horrible, just pleasant. No one to warm up with at night. No one to touch you all the way to your soul. I don't have anywhere near the kind of intimacy that I crave, but I wonder if even at our best will that ever happen? I think my H doesn’t want that kind of intimacy. He was the great love of my life. But, perhaps we never had true intimacy any way. What is true intimacy?
Well, I can go on (and do frequently). I’m feeling a little melancholic as I write this, perhaps you picked that up. I’d love to hear your thoughts, observations, jokes, or whatever. I have written a snap shot view of a very complex issue that is clouded by my current filter. It is skewed in a less then happy way right now. But, I am grateful to God for everything and do leave it in his hands and just try to do my best.
