Hoping-I know how it is to question wether things will work out or not. I made myself sick doing that for a very long time.As far as hoping things will turn out for the best-why not? The alternative is not very attravtive and may be a self fulfilled prophecy. Here's how it has gone for me. 4 yrs ago I noticed my H beign very distant and not as loving. I could not put my finger on it. Asked him twice if he was having an affair. Totally denied it. Things get worse.We have a blow-up one night while S is gone and he moves out. Gone for 6 months-all the while me pursuing him. I could see a glimmer of hope as he still wanted me sexually but was not himself-kept me at bay. I finally convince him to go to therapy with me. 2nd session and he fesses up to an affair-a 2 and a half yr one! I was livid. He called me crying, saying he was sorry.blah,blah, blah. I entice him to move back home with me. I know his heart is not 100% in it but I think that I can make this work.We continue C, H promises never to have contact with OW ever again. I am a nut case, having panic attacks 24/7, so bad I had to take a leave of absense from work. Panicing that he is still talking/seeing her. Things get better for a little while but it is strained, then he gets much worse. Treats me like crap-won't touch me, sleeps on the far side of the bed with his back against me. If I try to touch him he gets angry. I see it coming-he wants out again. He tells me he feels trapped. He tells me in the next C session that he is moving out, that he can't live this way anymore. I'm left wondering which way that is. I did EVERYTHING I knew how to make that man happy. He leaves. Within 2 weeks I feel a peace come over me. The tension is gone. Our S is happier. I decide now is finally the time to start working on me. I act as though he is dead. I decide I will not pursue him AT ALL. I decide to go out and have fun. I begin to get better. FINALLY, the anxiety gets better. People at work are saying the old Rachael is back! If I had to see him when he was picking up our S or for some reason I was nice but cool. Its been one month since he moved out. He is calling ME, asking me out. One night when he was here at the house he held me and cried and said that I was so much Happier with out him. I tell him its because I was lost in him-so mistrustful. Afraid he was lying to me about the OW. I tell him how I thought of him as dead in order to go on. He asks me if I really want to think of him that way=I say yes-it made me stop concetrating on you and start working on ME. He is telling me he still loves me asking me what are we going to do. I say I don't know but I have alot of work to do on me before I can do anything. He tells me to call him. I say no, you left me. You call me if you want to see me. So...he does. HE is trying to find his way back to me and I am not letting it happen too fast. It was not until I totally let go and he realized I was going on and would be ok that he started to worry. It hit him what he was losing. He thought I would be there always no matter what he did. Not any more. I told him I wanted to stay separated for a long time. I need this time for myself and to see if he is totally commited to me. Time will tell. It is wonderful being back in the drivers seat again. He knows I go out. I have been out dancing with a girlfriend but never have gotten interested in anyone. I still love my H. I will continue to go out and have fun and work on me. I will see him sometimes but let him know where I stand. He will have to win me back and that won't be easy. Not now. He's done so much to me. It's not that I can't forgive, its just that I NEVER want to go back there. I did not care if I lived or died. I told him that and he cried more. He is FINALLY seeing what he did to me and he FINALLY cares. My point is that you have to let go and take care of yourself and stop worrying about him. He has to do what he has to do. NOTHING you can do will change the process he has to go through. I do not ask about the OW. I know she is out of the picture completely or he would not be pursuing me or treating me like he is. He finds excuses to come over. He is so NOT like that. He has done a 180 because I have done a 180. I am enjoying my time alone with my S. No tension. I do alot with my family and friends. I don't worry wether we will get back together or not because I know either way I will be ok, and so will you. Try doing a total 180. See what happens. Michele knew what she was talking about in her book. It works. I thought there was no hope for my M. and now my H is pursuing me and worrying about wether I want him or not! IT may take some time-I was afraid for a very long time to let go, but when I did it did not take long for him to sit up and take notice. I hope my story somehow inspires some hope in you. I thought it was over. Its far from being over unless I want it to be. Don't beleive that the way things are now are the way they will be forever, Do your 180 and see what happens. It really does work. Rachael
