I guess I have not done anything special for me, I may go shopping this weekend, but i am trying to not spend money as before. H did call me again today and asked me to the James Bond movie, after he dropped me off and came in to say hi to d, he left and I said"I had a nice time" he just smiled and said"It was a good movie"I said "I mean with you I had a good time". He knew that's what I meant, as he smiled as he left. We do not talk about r. Will I know at what point to bring it up?? My friend at work said what am I going to do if 3-4 months from now, we are still at this same level. I said I don't know. She said she would need to know answers, intentions. I said I have learned that you can't force those or a time frame. Non Db don't really understand what we are doing. Anyway, tomorrow night we go to our video club. Oh. also the ff friend called me at work and asked me to go to craft show next weekend! I said I would, I have to make the effort to understand her, although since she has new mf, she doesn't rely on my h. I guess I don't think she does. H seems so relaxed and happier when we are together. I am glad I did not call him this week. Sue
hey sue regarding your friend who asks how long you'll go with out answers...oh if I could have a dollar for everytime I heard and am still hearing that question... I simply told them...what is a few months if it means I may save my marriage... you sound strong...but I would for now try to back off a bit...you can do things for you that don't require spending money....it's not all about new clothes or day spa's...it's about learning to relax and once again be you...spend time with friends..or make new ones...find a hobby or interest or get back to an old one...all the fun you missed out on in raising your kids...go out and make up for it...live for you and don't worry about h and what he's doing or when he'll call or come home or even when the r talks will come (btw wait for him to initate it's much better that way even if it's negative and even if it's negative that can change just look at my sit) nice that h asked you to the movie...next time at the end of the night just say thank you... (that in itself says you had a good time...no need to get into more as you see h didn't want to respond to your comment about having a good time with him...doesn't mean he didn't also have a good time with you but a simple thank you will make it easier on you both) I get the feeling the ff still lingers in your mind (what they were or are) I don't blame you one bit... I would be thinking the same way...hell I'd be thinking worse....but as you know it is not about her... be h's friend too if it is something that get's to you a bit...stop being his wife go back to being the sue you were with him before marriage, home and kids...stop the worry about him and know that he will be ok and you will be ok no matter what... You will get there sue...just have patience... have a nice day!! LL
LL, you always sooth my soul with your kind responses. I am going on with my life. I am going to decorate for Christmas as usual, shop, I also do crafts and cookies and sell them at my work.A month ago I thought I would not do any of that this yeaer, then I woke up. I am going to go on as usual. I love creating things that other people get to enjoy.I also took quilting this summer, but that might be a good Jan., Feb. project.So, I think I am doing things for me. Do I want to go out and party, not really it's not me.Have fun yes. I guess I won't bring up any talks with h. But why am I having such a hard time comprehending that if you don't make contact with each other much, you don't bring up r talks, don't spend time together. then how are you going to start mending the m?? I am not it very long, so I'm guessing it all starts to unfold one way or another.It's like I want to work on it a little each day or week. I will be patient.We talked a little about money and I told him I should cancel cell phone as I don't use it except emergency. He said he is paying for it. He also said he looked at the chking act balance(he works at the bank) and saw it was low, and was going to put $ in it, then saw I got paid .I thought that was kind of him. I am realizing more and more he really does care about me, kids. We just lost it along the way. HAve a good weekend Sue
Just neede to journal, as bad thoughts are flooding my heart. and pms.We went to our video club last night, had a good time as usual with our friends.H just left after doing laundry and watching football. I am crying my eys out, partly I am sad when he leaves the other is we did not have much to say, talked about church, football, that stuff. I asked him to scratch my back *he did do it under my shirt as last few months it was on the outside). Anyway after he left my mind starts to think that it will never be any different.I was not tense, I don't know if he felt that. I know it's on;y been two weeks that he is gone, but I want him to grab me and tell me that it might all work out in time. I hate when I start to doubt things, but the emotions take over. What if I am fooling myself into thinking he might want it to work, that his feelings might come back. He stopped by yesterday to get a tool to fix his Mothers garage door and did ask if I wanted to ride over with him, she and I were talking inside, and she said she had gotten an ad for special sale at furniture store and had asked him if he needed anything and wanted it, but she said he said he did not want to buy too much because he might not be there very long. Why won't he just let me know something one way or another. I guess these are the little steps that I am missing through my negative thoughts. I do well when he is not here, but when he comes and then leaves, I hurt for everything to be fixed.
I know I rambled, and bawled as I did, now I feel better, and am getting a grip on these crazy emotions/hormones! Thanks Sue
Hoping: Relax... you are doing great...!!... it is not easy even with them at home... Is a long way and try to enjoy each day hoping that the next day will be better and better...!!.. Try to be positive... i dont know, see the positive things you can enjoy bc he isnt at home (in a humurous way), like having your tv control only for you... a big big bed... and also a boydriend who pick you up to get out and date...
sue, there are plenty of signs that say he has hope of things working out...he is not going to outright tell you so because that would be giving you false hope and he loves you to much to hurt you like that...it takes a long time (well longer than we like) for them to figure things out...just keep doing what you are doing and your h will be home before you know it. LL
LL, why is that I can't or won't see these same signs that you guys here always seem to point out? I really probably have a vvery different kind of r with my h then most that I have read.I see more and more the kindness in his heart that is what attracted me to him in the first place. I just don't know what is so heavy in his heart and mind. I think it is the fact that i thought he was having a. Of course he would be hurt, but he knows the way he handled the ff hurt me too.What if we really don't have anything in common, that worries me too. We might just have thought we were in love, first for each, married, had kids..now they are grown and low and behold we don't know each other. What if?????So many thoughts to sort out.I am trying real hard to hold on to the little things that I am seeing. Sue
Haoop Turkey Day I have been super busy the past few days, so did not get here. Things are going about the same. We are going to h family for dinner. They all seem to except me as usual, my family blames h for everything, and yet they don't know the story. I hope everyone has a blessed day, and even though we are going through one of the toughest times in our lives, we still have much to be thankful for if we just look inside our hearts. On the family counceling center's billboard it says "Feast on an attitude of gratitude" Bye Sue
Hoping-I know how it is to question wether things will work out or not. I made myself sick doing that for a very long time.As far as hoping things will turn out for the best-why not? The alternative is not very attravtive and may be a self fulfilled prophecy. Here's how it has gone for me. 4 yrs ago I noticed my H beign very distant and not as loving. I could not put my finger on it. Asked him twice if he was having an affair. Totally denied it. Things get worse.We have a blow-up one night while S is gone and he moves out. Gone for 6 months-all the while me pursuing him. I could see a glimmer of hope as he still wanted me sexually but was not himself-kept me at bay. I finally convince him to go to therapy with me. 2nd session and he fesses up to an affair-a 2 and a half yr one! I was livid. He called me crying, saying he was sorry.blah,blah, blah. I entice him to move back home with me. I know his heart is not 100% in it but I think that I can make this work.We continue C, H promises never to have contact with OW ever again. I am a nut case, having panic attacks 24/7, so bad I had to take a leave of absense from work. Panicing that he is still talking/seeing her. Things get better for a little while but it is strained, then he gets much worse. Treats me like crap-won't touch me, sleeps on the far side of the bed with his back against me. If I try to touch him he gets angry. I see it coming-he wants out again. He tells me he feels trapped. He tells me in the next C session that he is moving out, that he can't live this way anymore. I'm left wondering which way that is. I did EVERYTHING I knew how to make that man happy. He leaves. Within 2 weeks I feel a peace come over me. The tension is gone. Our S is happier. I decide now is finally the time to start working on me. I act as though he is dead. I decide I will not pursue him AT ALL. I decide to go out and have fun. I begin to get better. FINALLY, the anxiety gets better. People at work are saying the old Rachael is back! If I had to see him when he was picking up our S or for some reason I was nice but cool. Its been one month since he moved out. He is calling ME, asking me out. One night when he was here at the house he held me and cried and said that I was so much Happier with out him. I tell him its because I was lost in him-so mistrustful. Afraid he was lying to me about the OW. I tell him how I thought of him as dead in order to go on. He asks me if I really want to think of him that way=I say yes-it made me stop concetrating on you and start working on ME. He is telling me he still loves me asking me what are we going to do. I say I don't know but I have alot of work to do on me before I can do anything. He tells me to call him. I say no, you left me. You call me if you want to see me. So...he does. HE is trying to find his way back to me and I am not letting it happen too fast. It was not until I totally let go and he realized I was going on and would be ok that he started to worry. It hit him what he was losing. He thought I would be there always no matter what he did. Not any more. I told him I wanted to stay separated for a long time. I need this time for myself and to see if he is totally commited to me. Time will tell. It is wonderful being back in the drivers seat again. He knows I go out. I have been out dancing with a girlfriend but never have gotten interested in anyone. I still love my H. I will continue to go out and have fun and work on me. I will see him sometimes but let him know where I stand. He will have to win me back and that won't be easy. Not now. He's done so much to me. It's not that I can't forgive, its just that I NEVER want to go back there. I did not care if I lived or died. I told him that and he cried more. He is FINALLY seeing what he did to me and he FINALLY cares. My point is that you have to let go and take care of yourself and stop worrying about him. He has to do what he has to do. NOTHING you can do will change the process he has to go through. I do not ask about the OW. I know she is out of the picture completely or he would not be pursuing me or treating me like he is. He finds excuses to come over. He is so NOT like that. He has done a 180 because I have done a 180. I am enjoying my time alone with my S. No tension. I do alot with my family and friends. I don't worry wether we will get back together or not because I know either way I will be ok, and so will you. Try doing a total 180. See what happens. Michele knew what she was talking about in her book. It works. I thought there was no hope for my M. and now my H is pursuing me and worrying about wether I want him or not! IT may take some time-I was afraid for a very long time to let go, but when I did it did not take long for him to sit up and take notice. I hope my story somehow inspires some hope in you. I thought it was over. Its far from being over unless I want it to be. Don't beleive that the way things are now are the way they will be forever, Do your 180 and see what happens. It really does work. Rachael
H caleld today and asked if he could come over tonight and do laundry and watch a movie. I made meatloaf, and d had gone and gotten a movie, so we played a few games of parchssi with kids before they went to work, then watched movie. Before h left d gave him a hug and said "I love you", and h responded back. I stood there fighting tears, h said why are you crying, d sid as she left, "Oh she crys alot lately", h just looked at me, and I said I was ok.Again he just kinda smiles his smile and left.Should I have said I am sad when you leave, or I would like just a tiny hug?? From what I have learned and read I should not do that, but who knows if that is what he is waiting for. This is where my patience gets tested, how are we going to start to mend, if we don't talk about r stuff? I have read dr, but somewhere someone has to make the first move, and I know my h, and that is not his nature to initiate the first move. Otherwise night went ok. I wrapped a few Christmas presents, got tree up.I do feel a peace that I have not felt in along time, and I can see h is much more at ease. So I do know it is for the best, I just wish I could have a glimpse of the future. Night Sue
