Re cobra
I'm OK with that part or sometimes, but not most of the time. WHY? I am the one keeping things stirred up, BB is the resistant one. It gets old and I run out of motivation.
She might see that as you putting her on the spot to be vulnerable instead of you being vulnerable. OK is BB is testing me as BF suggest, then I need to talk and deal with the answers.
But do you really think you are being abusive? Not really and the word abusive is too strong. Change it to inconsiderate.
I just think you allow too many loopholes for BB to escape and I don’t think you will ever find a method that she will like and voluntarily undertake. I don’t think change is her goal. Sounds about right if it is work or takes her out of her comfort zone.
Loopholes or maybe an additional word is picky about choices.
For the third night BB is asking if she can go to bed and for the third time I said, asking never entered my mind or was part of any plan I had. I restated, "saying good night seemed like something we should do when we go to bed, especially when sleeping in different rooms.
I think the different bedrooms situation is not called for. I don't think I make that much noise sleeping, especially because BB has the radio on most of night.
I see BB as a person with some forms of age/or situational medical-related problems and a person in a minor power struggle. I guess I have to make believe I am sparing with Judge Judy (black or white issues, has to have all the I's dotted and the T's crossed) sometimes.
The radio is habit and a aid when not sleeping. BB was a light sleeper and wakes up at night more often than she did 5 or 10 years ago. I always thought people who sleep with the radio on did it for soothing, or the radio was like company.
It is quiet where we live so drowning out back ground noise doesn't apply. BB also has, but doesn't use sound discs of waves, water flowing, and forest sounds.
We might be resolving a few minor issues about the Thanksgiving invitation process. BB is only just beginning to see it is not about the food, if the RSVP method is the only way to invite someone, and beginning to see I have a good time talking with the in-laws. BB does too once she gets there.
midnight Lou
The comment about the hard drive being heavier, not really.
I also downloaded just about every podcast on that page, Lou. That whole site is terrific. Thanks again, Martelo.
It's interesting that BB thinks your breathing apparatus makes too much noise but she keeps the radio on.
I remember a year or so ago, some of us <ahem> suggested that you respond with "Oh?" to most of her comments and not get into it with her.
You keep trying to make sense out of her behavior and your premise is that if you can make sense out of it, you will be able to relate to her on a peer level. And that does raise an interesting question: what would it look like if you related to her strictly as a peer, as a complete and total equal. What if you acted toward her as you would toward someone with whom you had no history, no hurt feelings, no expectations...? What if you took all her absurd and asinine comments purely at face value without analysis and just treated her as a sane, logical, emotionally healthy, grownup? What if you acted on the assumption that her comments and actions make perfect sense TO HER, are consistent within her universe, then STOPPED trying to figure out her universe-- stopped trying to crack the code or look for the magic button? Would your behavior be any different from moment to moment?
Edited to add: There is a subtext in many of your posts (well, most of them) about how She is this and She is that, and She doesn't respond, and She makes unreasonable demands, or resists, etc. All of this is absolutely true and would make any sane man pull his hair out (as you showed us). But what good is this attitude doing YOU? Is it helping to point out over and over again how impossible she is being? I'M SURE she's impossible in many ways... *I'M* the one who wants you to run off and have a wild sexual adventure on a cruise ship. But maybe taking a vacation from "BB Is Crazy" thinking would give YOU some relief. When you start to slide into an analysis of how difficult she is, just stop those thoughts and distract yourself. It's worth a try...
Lil asked What if you acted toward her as you would toward someone with whom you had no history, no hurt feelings, no expectations...? I would find other people to be involved with.
What if you took all her absurd and asinine comments purely at face value without analysis and just treated her as a sane, logical, emotionally healthy, grownup? (a) I would have very low expectations that the R would be very satisfying and determine we are in different spheres of operation. (b) I would have to limit contact with her. (c) I would choose to let her do more things for and by her self and move towards what some people consider traits of an un-supportive husband.
What if you acted on the assumption that her comments and actions make perfect sense TO HER, are consistent within her universe I am there already on a intellectual level. I know her world makes perfect sense to her and some of her friends.
That mode is room mate material.
then STOPPED trying to figure out her universe-- stopped trying to crack the code or look for the magic button? Would your behavior be any different from moment to moment? The first thing that comes to mind is a book title "Don't Let Other People Rent space in Your Head", which is some what like say let them go.
There is a subtext in many of your posts ... She makes unreasonable demands, or resists, etc.....But what good is this attitude doing YOU? Posting that I read book "A" and tried to implement a concept and talking about the outcome and how the situation influenced my feelings is a general idea I have in mind, when I post.
taking a vacation from "BB Is Crazy" thinking I had to read this twice and here is what I hear you saying By taking a vacation from "BB Is Crazy" (has different wants/goals than Lou) would give YOU some relief.
I know taking a break will help in one way. I also know taking a break will lead me to other independent interests and being more independent will look like I don't care about the R or don't care about BB's universe, don't really like her, always wanted someone else for the last 15 years. on the drastic end of looking at the M.
Ok - dumb question. I have an ipod shuffle. When I click the link it downloads and plays immediately. How do I save it to my library???? I understand how to get songs on my ipod and all but I'm not sure about this.
What I do is download stuff into the iTunes library before I ever plug the iPod into the computer. Then when I connect the iPod to the computer, the stuff that I choose in iTunes (i.e. the stuff that is "checked") automatically loads into the iPod. I have the 1g nano, so there's TONS more stuff in the library (on the computer) than will fit in the iPod. When I've listened to something I move it off the iPod and by unchecking it in the library before I connect the iPod to the computer. The updating process removed unchecked things from the iPod so that they are now only on the library in the computer.
When I first got the iPod I went to a bunch of sites and just read and read to get familiar with the way the thing works. This is a good site http://www.ipodgarage.com/phpBB2/
Also the online manual for your iPod can be pretty informative.
I am not an iPod owner, just a clone Rio-Carbon 5GB and a SanDisk 1GB.
I download things to a file in Windows XP. Once in my music file on the hard drive, I plug in my MP3 player to the USB port. Windows recognizes the MP3 player and I start dragging copies of the files on my hard drive to the MP3 player.
To drag and drop, Right click the start icon, left click explore, open up the list or tree as it was called in DOS and you can see what storage units and files, etc are on your computer.
On the tree, my MP3 player looks like a removable drive in the Windows explore tree.
This is when I drag and drop or delete items on my MP3 player. You can move files or individual items.
Macintosh ????????? no idea but it might be similar.
I am a computer user since Commodore Vic-20, then a Commodore 64, then switched to PC's and used Microsoft DOS 3.1 and almost all the upgrades since. I have 2 old Macs to test Mac printers.
Ok - dumb question. Only thing dumb is thinking it was a dumb question, OK. Girl, if you don't know just ask. You know we like to help so maybe you are doing us a favor.
Lil's advice might work better for you. I like my way because I use several brands of equipment and don't have time to learn each manufacturer's instructions. With my method, I might not be getting all the benefits of a device, but it works with the MP3 players I have used. People bring things to me and I usually can get things working w/o reading the instructions for basic functions. I need the book for anything more than basic functions on many items, especially fax machines.
Lou, you might look into iTunes. It's free to download. All it is is a player like RealPlayer or the Windows Media Player with the added feature of being able to sort and save your music. There's a section of it called "Music Store" which is where you go to find songs and podcasts. It's a misnomer because you can also find all the free stuff in the Music Store. What the Music Store is is really a portal to all downloadable music/podcast files on the internet. You can use iTunes with other devices besides iPods and Mac hardware. I have a regular PC.
iTunes will do automatically what you are currently doing manually.
iTunes. It's free to download. All it is is a player like RealPlayer or the Windows Media Player
I thought itunes was just for iPods and never investigated that option. I got MusicMatch for my computer a long time ago and have gotten some free upgrades. Windows Media player works well so I use that too. RealPlayer is frequently checking for up-dates so I dumped that program. One of my lessons was, don't go for all of the up dates. Some updates screw up your computer. BTDT many times.
You can use iTunes with other devices besides iPods and Mac hardware. I have a regular PC. I will check out the iTunes. Thanks for the information Lil.
PC here since about 1988 when the XT's 8088 2 floppy drives were out and under $1,000. I think that was when we were using candles to light the house at night.
Without that first PC, a wordprocessor with spell checker, I don't think I would have been on the honor role/deans list when I went to college. I could type using 4 fingers, but my spelling needed lots of help.
I only have the Mac's to test printers from one school and for students that use Mac's. Less than 5% of my commercial customers use Mac's
How well I know that! But, HARKEN! H volunteered to rub my back! (not as if putting on car wax, not sexual but very tender with feelings )
When it comes to abuse, the withholder is/can be the abuser. I don't imagine you have cried yourself to sleep, but maybe "hoisted one extra" a few times to try to get past the torment the feeling of rejection, even tho you have learned on an intellectual level that its not of your doing but a problem your SO has, you still are wondering why they can't 'feel your pain' and 'from the goodness of their hearts preform for you--beit closeness, sex, intimacy, truth, vulnerability...whatever you lable that nakid bliss we all describe differently.
Having your SO deny you THAT is in itself abuse. Allowing it to happen, is tollerence, carring, respect, empathy and understanding masochistic behavior--possibly the definition of Love. For an individual in the 4 catagory, who's self esteem is bruised this is the most unhealthy situation to be in.
Ergo, go along with the BB, and my H style living hoping for a crumb trying to make a big deal out of it, BUT A MUST is to work on yourself to contermand the villification you get at home.
(PS I do believe that the various medicines that assist the circulatory system and reduce plaque (or assist its breakdown), may have significant effect on mental function and benifit the quality of a persons character/daily interaction with those close to them)
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Lou, It is quiet where we live so drowning out back ground noise doesn't apply. BB also has, but doesn't use sound discs of waves, water flowing, and forest sounds. I too, like "white noise". I have teinus?(ringing of the ears) and stark quiet makes me hear EVERYTHING! The dog shifting on the floor, the wind on the siding, a slight difference in breathing pattern, EVERYTHING! Heck I think I could hear the grass grow given half a chance! There is a CD in TARGET that is wonderful, possibly as a peace offering, its called SLEEP and has D waves, (ok who's got an oscilliscope or whatever) its very pleasant, perfect back rubbing noise!
Maybe that might give you some insite to why the radio/tv is on. When we were traveling to D's wedding, the TV was off, H's closeness was like a wolf standing guard and 'allowed' me, my guard, to drop and I could sleep soundly even tho in a motel environment. To compound that illogical presentation, H can't be woken with a bomb. He's the most sound sleeper in the world. I know this; ergo the above letting dn of the guard makes no sense.
Maybe to stress the I'll watch over you trust thing, with no expectations of ambush is what she is looking for. Possibly disarm her by playing some whitenoise, and a short backrub, cuz I think you get benefit from them too as a giving of yourself, and leaving to your own room. With LUCK, she may come visit you. It may work...*hugs*
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
That whole site is terrific. Thanks again, Martelo.
