This was on that page-- wanted everyone to see it--
Quote: Q: What are three things I should ask a surgeon before I agree to back surgery? -- Barbara Waring, Sandwich, Mass.
I'm afraid I can't limit it to just three! You first need to be clear about what your diagnosis is, which is the basis for any surgery you might be considering. A doctor bases your treatment plan on your diagnosis, so it's important to be thorough when explaining your pain to your doctor. If your doctor suggests surgery, ask these questions:
1. What will I likely experience if I don't have surgery?
2. If I do have surgery, what will I likely experience a) immediately afterwards; b) over the next few months; c) over the next couple of years?
3. Might I be likely to need further surgery in the future?
4. How many of these surgeries have you performed? (Don't be shy about this one, it's very important. How frequently your doctor has done a procedure is important to know.)
5. Do you have any statistics about outcomes, i.e. how have your patients done with my diagnosis and the treatment you are recommending?
6. Can I talk to one of your patients who had this procedure?
blackfoot, I agree conflict is part of relationships and leads to resolutions most of the time. What tires me out is BB's pinkness and her agreeing to a large concept but making the steps toward that goal are so limited/narrow in how they are accomplished.
Right now I feel like $500,000 limit insurance policy that has had $450,000 in claims and I don't see the patient/R having gotten that much better, or can live with out a large monthly drug bill.
Quote: Cobra has drama/passion in his R, and sex also
I can have the drama, I don't know about the passion from BB POV.. I truly think that part is severely broken. I don't think BB could ever get that back short of a near death or me leaving experience. Either one could also backfire big time.
I can have the sex if it is hurry up, don't go in all the way, don't fall asleep and snore afterwords. Don't let my CPAP make any whooshing sounds, Don't have any strangers faxing me something unsolicited in the middle of the night.
Quote: There are other R's here on the forum, with close to zero manifested conflict, and lots of couselorize type communication
I get your point. I do hold back, don't say everything for fear of causing damage. I do the polite with-holding so BB doesn't turn it around or into something I never intended it to be.
An example is I asked BB, "Last night when I went to bed w/o saying good-night, did it bother her?" I said she has done this many times in the last 20 years. She turned it around and asked "So now I (BB) have to get permission to go to bed? I said no, permission never entered my mind.
Tonight BB asked if she could go to bed (the female testing thing) and I went through the reason I brought up the subject yesterday. It didn't have anything to do with permission. I don't know where that came from. <head shake> and Pulling out hair
Quote: If you want to kill desire in someone, talk to them like you are their counselor or therapist.
I know the parent/child situations don't work. I am not trying to be her therapist but I am willing to help her. The help I offer gets twisted around sometimes and I wonder why I offer.
Quote: Its also a great way of hiding and not exposing yourself emotionally to the other person.
Well I am hiding, have my shields up for the flack that sometimes comes. I can see where a more secure person would not take the misinterpretations and sarcastic remarks w/o needing a shield to jump behind. But I won't be dumped on unnecessarily w/o some place to dodge the random flack or compulsive avoidance's BB plays out.
In general, tonight was a little better than yesterday and this afternoon. I still deal with Stage 4 of The Marriage Map I don't know if I can accept "that is the way my partner is."
What are three things I should ask a surgeon before I agree to back surgery? I think #4 is really important.
Well fortunately, I am a long way from needing surgery. I sit in one spot to long and lean forward too far. I need to keep up with preventive exercises. Those are my top concerns right now.
Re cobra
If you want her to change, then you are going to have to accept the idea that she will be upset for a while. I'm OK with that part or sometimes, but not most of the time.
I keep seeing thoughts where you seem to have a major issue with being blamed. You seem to avoid it like the plague and I think that is part of why you had this discussion with yourself over how much to ask or push. I was mostly encouraging Lil to ask for something minor, saying it is difficult for me to ask but also saying the physical touch sometimes gets a person in the right mind to sak for more. something like Lil's step one and step two proceass but with less dramatic topics.
You still set your sense of self based on what BB wants, not what you want. That is because what I want is in conflict with what BB wants or believes she has to offer.
... you accept her argument that you are being selfish. But that is just her talking to stay in her comfort zone. OK.
If you ask for something that is truly a part of you, a part of your morals or values, then is there such a thing as pushing too hard? Pushing too hard according to BB is abuse.
Why are her values and morals worth more than yours? They aren't worth more.
Why are you willing to tolerate discomfort so she won’t have to? Cobra, there isn't so she wont have to. I don't bend over backwards that far. According to BB, she is changing/improving more than I am.
I have been listening to the MWD "Keep Love Alive" KLA cd's and some other Schnarch MP3 files on my iPod like music device, mostly for things I need to brush up on. Its mostly positive reinforcement ideas. I am doing things the audio CD's suggest.
Not much confronting actions in the CD suggestions, just move to another behavior when one doesn't work.
I'm OK with that part or sometimes, but not most of the time.
Why?
I was mostly encouraging Lil to ask for something minor, saying it is difficult for me to ask but also saying the physical touch sometimes gets a person in the right mind to sak for more. something like Lil's step one and step two proceass but with less dramatic topics.
To me this sounds like you are putting all the responsibility on her, trying to get her to ask so you won’t have to. She might see that as you putting her on the spot to be vulnerable instead of you being vulnerable. In that way I can see why she might think you ask too much.
That is because what I want is in conflict with what BB wants or believes she has to offer.
That sounds like a deflection. I don’t see how BB’s wants or beliefs of what she can offer should have any bearing on your self esteem. I can understand how it might affect your sense of bonding or happiness, but again, from her perspective, I can see her feeling like she has to take the lead to make you feel good, which for her may be more than she can handle.
Pushing too hard according to BB is abuse.
But do you really think you are being abusive? If BB doesn’t like it, I suspect she will label it anything she can in order to get back to her comfort zone. If her labels are untrue, do not accept them. Your perspective is just as valid as hers. Don’t get caught up in her silly argument that if she feels abused, then she is abused and there is nothing you can say about it.
Cobra, there isn't so she wont have to. I don't bend over backwards that far. According to BB, she is changing/improving more than I am.
And according to you she is not. So what is she going to do about it to satisfy you?
I am doing things the audio CD's suggest.
Not much confronting actions in the CD suggestions, just move to another behavior when one doesn't work.
OK, I understand this is your way. I really don’t mean to have a quarrel with you over that. If there are more behaviors you can try that might yield results, then try them. I just think you allow too many loopholes for BB to escape and I don’t think you will ever find a method that she will like and voluntarily undertake. I don’t think change is her goal.
