Andrea, thank you for your response, but I don't understand when you say that you don't' want to give me hope. I have much hope from what my h said. He talked to his mother last night and she said that she hoped we could work it out. I have not been sure if my h even wanted to work on it, but I now know that he must.
I just wish I knew how to start communicating with him, oh I can talk quite a bit, but that is not what I mean. I thought I was good at expressing my feelings, but I get a feeling from h that I am not responding back, yet I don't know what to say. Sue
Great...!!... While having hope doesnt hurt you, and doesnt stop you focusing on your life, maintain it...!!... I always maintain hope, even in the hardest moment, even when he was acting like an animal towards me... even each time he told me he will not get back to marriage...!!.. inside of me i know this was not the real man inside of him... we know them so much... we can know when they are saying really feelings or just trying to hurt or to justify their own turmoil...!!... I always knows he will turn back and say: Hey, im sorry, i dont know what i am doing, i dont feel well with this, i want to be back on familly... and this happens...!... so, maintain hopes, but at the same time work on your own life... for me was a big surprise and a big stop red signal when he ask for reconciliation... i wwas so decide to start a new proyect of life... so inside of myself... getting strong from elsewhere.. and here i am.. with him at home, still dealing a lot with his MLC, but trying to maintain my PMA and works on my own...
Quote: When you do, you must become that person he fell in love with all those years ago. You must remember WHAT you used to do/say/think back then.
To which Sue responded:
Quote: I don't know if I remember what attracted me to him.
People are attracted to people who enjoy life ... who are happy because they have fun ... upbeat because they look forward to doing something that they enjoy doing. Over the years, we tend to put aside more of what we enjoy doing in order to meet our obligations to work, family and household. The knocks of life shifts our attitudes a little at a time and we become, not as often, the happy-go-lucky people we once were around our S's and this slowly pushes them away from us.
It is not so much as to going back to what you were but doing what you as an individual would enjoy doing now! By striving to make each day from here on out as enjoyable to you as you possibly can, you will become a happier, more fun-loving person. This change will make him relect on how you seem to be more like when he first met you and stir up those feelings he had when you were first together.
Sue wrote:
Quote: Neither one of us really had been out with anyone, so maybe he grabbed the first one and now 24 yrs later regrets that he did not have more.
24 years ago, he obviously enjoyed being with you so much that he felt he did not need to search for anyone else. By being the Sue who is strong and confident ... happy with herself and making the most of each day and each friendship will remind him of that once again.
Doing things YOU enjoy also gives you things to talk about during those family suppers! . And if you enjoy talking about them, everyone around you will enjoy hearing about it and soon, all anxiety will be taken away and yo WILL begin to enjoy yourselves and hubby will look upon you as a figure of strength and interest and desire and love and compassion and so on and so on... At least that is sort of the way it went with me!
Cool responses you guys, I hope to be able to work on these things, but I was thinking the other day that I have been working too hard on changing things about me that are not me. I went shopping and looked at nice dresses, thinking maybe h will take me to his Christmas party, I tried a black lacy thing on and looked like a hooker! That is not me, but maybe it would turn him on. Do I do things to please me or what I think he might like? I asked him this morning if he wanted me to help him move or to just leave him alone he said kinda sad"I'm going to need someone to help me"My friend at work asked if I was going to do his laundry if he brought it back, I said no, but I bet if he asked I would. I should be strong enough to say, sorry you will have to do it yourself, but am afraid he will take that as not caring. I must be a pleaser, don't want anyone to get mad at me, so I do whatever. Sue
Quote: I must be a pleaser, don't want anyone to get mad at me, so I do whatever.
I tend to be that way... until my c told me about my personal account... we must do what is right and please us, trying not to do whatever, even if we doesnt want to do it, only bc we are trying to please everybody... thats include your familly, your h, your child... We tend to forgett our personal account... Yes there are some changes that can please them and us too... in the past i use to eat my nails, i had horrible hands... when my h left home, that was one of my changes... now i use long nails... i dont dress like a hooker, but now i use smaller baby dolls bc i feel great using it...!!... now i enjoy a lot staying in bath long time applying creams in my face , my body... now i share more time with my friends... now i can refuse doing a favor when i cant, now i know i can please everyone if that doesnt please me...!!... We need to growth a little our selfish behavior... like them...!!.. Dont do changes bc him, do that changes that please you... at first some of them will sound strange for you, but as time pass, you use to that... remember, is your personal account... he get in love with you the way you are right now... maintain all the beautifull things you have inside, and gain that things you will please to gain...
Sue,
Remember the old cliche, "You can't please all the people, all the time." If you try based on guessing what others would like, you are going to act upon assumptions you make that will turn out not to be true and will eventally create resentment.
Be true to yourself first and foremost! You must do what feels right to you. Later in life, you want to be able to reflect back with satisfaction of knowing you did your best and with the least amount of regret.
It seems like you are trying to guess at what changes your H would like to see you make. Concentrate first on what is right for you first, instead of trying to read his mind. If down the road he tells you what he likes that is different, then it is your right of choice to change if it something you would like too. Please yourself first , then if he tells something that would please him and it would please you too, then do it! Open communication is the key here. This is where my focus has been lately ... to communicate what each of us want. Because we didn't talk much to each other about our feelings over the years, we guessed with good intention of doing what the we thought
the other wanted, when we were wrong with our assumptions, it resulted in ill-gotten preceptions that would take on a life of their own unbeknownst to the other.
How true KAW, the past few days we have talked more, as over the years we have never talked about what we want and feel. We have just been going along, not unhappy, but now with the changes the past few years realizing there is more to life and marraige then what we had. H asked me tonight what I was doing tomorrow, i said I was helping his mother at church but why, he said he needed to go to staor and get some things for the apartment and would I like to go with. Please tell me you guys, is this strange, should i go, I want to help him in any way, but this is not the usual for a couple who is seperating. This is where I feel confused and where Dbing does not come into play. I have been trying to detach, take pressure off of him by not saying too much, not being around, yet he seems to want me to help him. Again, as I have said before I know we have to do what feels right for us, not what a book or well meaning people here say we should do.H asked son if he could help him move sofa, son kinda said ok. Last night d said she had a test, but did not care right now if she failed it. I talked to her tonight and I said please understand that your feelings are ok, but that our lives will go on. H has really seemed to be concerned about how the kids are doing, and he should be, but I never realized it because he has never been real close to s, but d yes and over the years he never worried about them, knew they did ok in school, knew they were good kids not into any trouble, and I was always here, took care of most everything they were involved in. Yet now I see a side of him that he has not let out, the emotional caring. I think this move is harder on him then on me. Sue
Just an update, worked with MIL at church, she walked me out after and said she hoped we could work it out as she doesn't want to lose me as a member of family, said h told her we were still going to "Date", and if I will let him he will stay over occasionally!!She said if you both love each other then you can work it out, I said(hoping she would tell me more of what he said) that I did want to work it out, but was not sure of his feelings. She did not say anything either way. Went wth him to store to get a few things, he did not get too much, looked at tv's. I said we don't have any extra lamps, he knows I have wanted new one, so said he would take old ones and I could get new ones. I sked if I could take his explorer and run to mall or would he like to go(He has not been to a mall with me for along time), he put his shoes on and went.We did not find any, none of the chain stores seem to sell them anymore. It was kinda strange riding that far, I tried to make small talk, wondering if he was going to open up to any r talks. None, and I did not either.
He sure does not seem to be in any hurry to move.I had sked him a long time ago to let our kids know far enough in advance, and I really did not know if that would matter to him, but maybe it does. ALso d b-day this week and I told hom I had read that moving out at a special time in your kids life, that they would remember that the rest of their life, so maybe he is holding back till after that.I don't know what to think. I am going about my life as if. Sue
Husband is moving out today, son is going to help. D has still been very quiet, which I know is to be expected. They have to sort through their feelings. SIL called and asked if I want to go shopping, so guess I will, this is harder then I thought, I was going though some pictures last night of kids when they were smaller, would it be stupid to ask h if he would like some of them to put on his refrig.? I have continued to read the book by John Gottman "Seven Principles og MAking Marriage Work", and am going to ask h if he would take it and read it when he feels ready to. It has a little different approach then DB,I highly recommend it.He sayd the myth of communication is important, but you have to be friends with spouse and honor and respect them.Just learning how to talk to each other is not the answer.He also encourages talking and thinking about the past, all the good things that brought you together as a couple. Well worth it.I hope I don't get shunned on this board for saying all that, but sometimes looking at another approach is not all bad. More later, just neede to vent. Sue
By being the Sue who is strong and confident ... happy with herself and making the most of each day and each friendship will remind him of that once again. 
. And if you enjoy talking about them, everyone around you will enjoy hearing about it and soon, all anxiety will be taken away and yo WILL begin to enjoy yourselves and hubby will look upon you as a figure of strength and interest and desire and love and compassion and so on and so on... At least that is sort of the way it went with me!