I often asked myself the same questions when my h first left. yes I let him know I didn't want him to leave (even if it were just for him to deal with his "issues") but I did not cry (well except for when he first told me and then I went and saw my baby son sleeping) I was doing just fine, perhaps it sent him the message that I really didn't care, and sometimes I wondered if I did or if he was doing me a favor by leaving as I wasn't happy either.
you may be in shock and that is why you do not feel panic, could be that he has told you there may still be hope. just know that your feelings about it can and will change from day to day, when you are doing ok you are sure to question your feelings for him, that is normal. just take time for you and reflect on what you had vs what you want in a r with your h and go from there. time=growth if you allow LL
You are very understanding and supportive of your H. Doesn't that come from love? You are giving your H what he needs right now! ... the support of being his best friend. If you continue to be the kind of friend to him that he wants to be to his friends, he will come to realized the both of you do have a common bond.
Sue, you have seen on this board how falling apart is so counterproductive in achieving what you want. Consider yourself forutunate that you have the inner strength to avoid that. Act "as-if" your strength is a gift you are willing to lend to your H whenever he may need it,then he will not preceive it as you being disinterested.
Hope, LL... Maybe can help you sharing my experience when h left... I can remember my h first said maybe was better to tell children he was going to a conference out, just lie them avoiding them the suffer bc the real cause of his move... My c always advice me not to lie children, bc they will not fogrgive me that lie, although they are soo young... So, i ask my h to tell the truth, and not onlt that... as it was him who made the decission of moving, i let him the resposbility of talking to children... hewas hoping me to be with him when he talke with them, but i refuse and let him alone... After he talked, telling them he was going to an apartment because we were fighting too muchand we need a little time to think, i talked with my children only asking them how they feel...!!... but yes... he wait until the last minut to talk to them... and he didnt talked with the sincerity he had to... as time pass, my children get more and more anxious, asking me how much more time we need to think and be together again... They began asking him this too... So, i ask h to talk again with children, to be sincere with them... and you know what... he never was totally sincere... So, i had to deal with that anxious in my children, trying to show them live was beautifull although dad wasnt at home and telling them maybe Dad wont get back never at home, but always will be their dad and loves them so much... I feel the need of removing the photos of familly in my home, and explain them why i did that... Bc that photos hurt me and makes me suffer... i never hide them i love so much dad and that i was suffering... but that at the same time i can go on with life, with happiness and with them with a smile...!!... I think thats the best example i can give to my children... and i know they growth bc my behavior...!!... Another thing i want to tell you is that your H really knows you love them...!!... thay dont need to see you crying or needy to reinforce that...!!... My h always knows that, i never deny that... but i never cry or called him crying, asking to came back... i began doing my own life, getting out, sharing a lot with my children, and only comunicating with him because children issue or lawyers issue...!!... I let him alone with his responsabilities of what he had decided... i let him live the life with OW he wants to... At the first moment it seems he was enjoying a lot, and me was the one who was living a hard time... But as time pass, me was the one who was enjoying a familly, all the confort that means, children, christmass time, and he was alone, with a young stupid girl (ow) who had a familly that he didnt care about, without his children, his friends...!!... I was full of happiness, i still winning a lot... he was losing all...!!... So, remember that each time you think your strong behavior can give them the wrong signal... No... your strong behavior show them more and more the kind of woman they are losing, the kind of familly they are losing... Dont forget that... and think a lot of what you are wining while they are losing all although it seems they are happier and free about everything
just thought i'd add, though my children are young only 3 and 1, h never once told son the truth always said he was working and asked me to do the same and could not understand when i just wouldn't say anything but daddy couldn't come over tonight. so because h never told son, son now thinks that daddy lives at his office. you know what maybe my h should live at his office. I'm angry, sorry! getting tired of the up and down that has become my life, i knew i wasn't happily married but at least i knew i was married, now I don't know and it sucks!! LL
LL, When your children are young they cannot comprehend "all of the truth and nothing but the truth", and you cannot be sure of what/how they will understand.
I would tell them that Daddy did not come home from work. Your son's thinking that Dad lives at the office says it all from a 3 yr old's world. This is what your son can process and he is already questioning his importance to his father.
Do not protect your H - ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR BABIES - and yours are truly babies. As children get older (hopefully this will be behind you) in a few years you can tell them that Daddy is/was (depending on the outcome) having a difficult time and he needs us to be his friends, love him and pray for him.
Of course, in a few years you may well be a mended family, but H will still have to answer to his son. Kids don't forget. They do forgive. You are doing a wonderful job in leading your children by example.
Thank you,everyone. H called me at work this a.m., he talked and told me he felt like his life was crashing down on him, seems the ff does not have the time to be the supportive friend that he has been to her,as she has new m friend, my h said that he's happy for her, but that they would play cards with others after bowling and now new f comes out and that leaves my h out.Maybe he will see that she is not the friend he thought...anyway h kept talking about the move and he said he wanted me to be sure that I know that he was only leaving for the reason of needing the space alone and for NO other reason. I said what other reason would I think he said to be with R*****, the ff.He was falling apart on the phone said he felt like he was losing his home and family, I said you are not losing it, we'll still be there.He is worried about how kids are families, families, coworkers, freinds are all going to respond.I said it does not matter, we know people are cruel with rumors, we know in our hearts what is really going on. He wanted to tell kids today. He called me about 2:30, asked if I could leave, wanted to show me the apartment, then come home and talk to kids.I went to see it, it is a simple place about 4 blocks from our house.Then we came home to tell kids. Remember they are son-22, d-20. We sat down in lr, and h started by saying that they probably realized that things were not right, he always rushed home from work, then out to church. He explained that he got apartment and needed space to think, sort things out. That we needed to learn to communicate better and rekindle what has been lost. he also said "that it does not mean in any way that we are getting a divorce", but that he feels too much tension here, and that we have gone to c for 2 years.D sat there with tears streaming and son no expression or feelings showing. H broke down into sobs about how we don't always tell them but that we both loved them and will always be here for both of them. he also said that he would do anything inthe world for all 3 of us.The whole time I sat there and let him talk, he turned to me and said "are you going say anything"I said I did not know what to say, I said I understand and support you. I don't think I said what he wanted, but that's part of our problem, I don't know what to say anymore around him, I am afraid if I spill out anger, hurt, it will drive him away, yet does he want me to tell it all.I wanted to hug him as he talked and cried, or just toouch his arm to say I know it hurts but I am here. I was afraid to do it.I did get up and hug d, she responded with a little hug, I then went to s and he just sat there, I gave him a little hug.H asked if any questions, none.He told them that he wants to go to family holidays together, out to supper together, he and I still go out with friends, he said "I need to be able to do those things still".I have not seen him so upset and torn apart since his Dad died. After he left, I talked alittle more to kids, asked what they might be feeling, d said I don't know what I feel, son had nothing to say. I decided on my own, and I will not tell h, that they had to know about the true feelings that I have had for the ff.I said that I had doubts the last few years about the relationship, but that I now am at peace and totaly trust their Dad that it has been nothing more than a friendship for a very troubled person. I said all along I felt deep in my heart that he would never do that to me, but I questioned it at times.I said that I am of course sad that he is moving, but that we need the time to hoopefully rebuild our m. D then left for work, son cooked some supper before he had to work, and I asked him if he wanted to play Scrabble(we have always played games with the kids) he did. He was beating me and h came home, asked who was winning, I said I was! I am soooo worried for all 3 of them, I have tried so hard over the years to protect from any hurt, which i now know is not the thing to always do.I asked the kids to please try not to have anger for their Dad, as I don't at this time. Thanks KAW, I have to credit this board and all of you for the strenth, I have always leaned on h, now it's his turn.
what an emotional day you've had. stay strong and this may just be what you and your h need. you r h was looking for you to say more???? there are so many things i want to say and then i don't want to say to you. I feel for you tonight. LL
Well, you seemed to have handled a very difficult situation rather well. I know you would like me, us, to tell you all will be right, but we just dont know. Now is the time for you not only to give your husband the space he needs, but to take some for yourself as well. Playing scrabble with your son is good. Keep doing these things. Your sons silence worries me, but I dont know him and trust you to be able to judge his emotional state. Just try to keep an eye out! Its not a game...although it sometimes FEELS like one. You see te trick is (and again I'll use my situation as an example, since it is the only one in which I have ANY expertise...if any at all ) to first of all "act" a certain way, even if you dont feel that way! You see the brain is an easy machine to trick. If you "act" happy...the brain will tell the bady to produce endomorphines that actually make you "feel" happy! This is a hard trick to pull off in the begining! You see your husband and your kids. You see the pain in all their eyes...and you FEEL your own pain. It is very hard to just "be"...let alone to be happy in such circumstances. But that is what you need to do!
So your husband has moved out. Big deal...in my case, I believe it was the right decision, the ONLY way we could possibly have a chance to get where we are now. You have kept up to date with my situation...so you know where I am. Still seperated, but getting bette all the time! Give him his space. He says he still wants to do things with you and the kids. GREAT. When you do, you must become that person he fell in love with all those years ago. You must remember WHAT you used to do/say/think back then.
Quote: The whole time I sat there and let him talk, he turned to me and said "are you going say anything"I said I did not know what to say, I said I understand and support you. I don't think I said what he wanted, but that's part of our problem, I don't know what to say anymore around him
In this instance, I believe you did the right thing. It WAS up to him to talk and explain and say what and how he felt. He has taken a decision and must now bear the full load! You can be there for him, but only as a sympathetic ear. You can not fix him, his feelings, his...anything. And DO NOT TRY to fix anything...sim,ply give him the time and space to fix himself. You must only become that person that attracted him in the first place. You must work on you, and he on himslef.
Quote: I don't think I said what he wanted, but that's part of our problem, I don't know what to say anymore around him, I am afraid if I spill out anger, hurt, it will drive him away, yet does he want me to tell it all.
When you do not know what to say...it is best to say nothing! DO NOT express you rage, anger, sadness! Those are things HE can not help with. It is COMPLETELY up to you to deal with those issues. Just as it is completely up to HIM to deal with his! So tread lightly and when in doubt, say nothing and remove yourself from the situation.
Enjoy your time together...this IS important. The door is still open and with a little luck and MUCH work...you will pull through...one way or the other!
Steph, I don't know if I remember what attracted me to him. Neither one of us really had been out with anyone, so maybe he grabbed the first one and now 24 yrs later regrets that he did not have more. Who knows, son came home from work seems ok, I am not going to start asking them every day if they are ok, as they all see that as nagging. D is not home yet, though I know she is done with work, I am sure she went to friends house.I got a great book tonight at Borders, "The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work" )I think)by John Gottman, looks very good. Tomorrow is a new day. Sue
Sue: I hope you are feeling better today after that terrible moment that i had lived too a year ago...!!.. The difference is that my children are smaller (2,9, and 10) and they felt terrible and began to have crisis, sadnes and we all had to lived very anxious and sad moments together... But you know what, even that moments, even that suffer, we now are together as a familly... i really think i forgive my h about all that... about all that suffering my children had to live... i think i forgive his child and selfish actitude not helping me at all with my oldest D crisis... Bc i know whats the real man inside of him... bc i know he did many things just to hurt me, not realizing he was hurting his child... and that this actions were part of his teenager crisis and not to know how to resolve it...!!... Stay strong... give your child support and love... they will give you company and happiness...!!... my heart is with you and i feel your h so confuse about whats he is doing... i dont want to give you hopes.. but this is what i see by your post
) to first of all "act" a certain way, even if you dont feel that way! You see the brain is an easy machine to trick. 
If you "act" happy...the brain will tell the bady to produce endomorphines that actually make you "feel" happy! This is a hard trick to pull off in the begining! You see your husband and your kids. You see the pain in all their eyes...and you FEEL your own pain. It is very hard to just "be"...let alone to be happy in such circumstances. But that is what you need to do!