What you want, Sue, is something I worked hard and long for.
Like you said, you don't want him to ask permission to do things. You don't want him to feel like he can't make a move without telling you.
But you want some common courtesy. You live with him, and it's not unreasonable for you to be interested in his coming and goings. It's not unreasonable for you to want to know if his plans conflict with yours.
But when a person feels controlled, they start to perceive things in terms of controlling behavior. A simple "what'd you do today?" feels like a visit from the Spanish Inquisition.
Like I said, Sue, I worked long and hard to overcome this, and I have. Over a period of months (years?) I just asked the normal questions. At first, W was defensive, but after awhile, she came to realize that I was making conversation.
All I can say is rather than not asking questions, you should ask about his whereabouts, etc. Just don't stop there. Once he tells you, ask him for more. In other words, ask him where he's been as an opening to conversation.
Just act "normal" long enough, and you get it.
And something else. My W actually started asking me if it was OK for her to do such-and-such. My response was, "Of course." And when she got back, I'd ask her about it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that all you have to do is to act interested in what he's doing rather than suspicious.
And like everything else, eventually, he'll understand the difference.
