Thanks Andy, you are always here with encouraging comments.I am going about life as usual, my good friend at work who knows the whole story can't understand how I can be so patient(she knows I am not the most patient person)I said if I fall apart and drive him away, then I will lose him for sure, and I don't want to do that right now. I said if it all turns out in the end that he moves out and is with ff, then I was right for the feelings that I have. I hope I will not hate him, as we have had 24 yrs and 2 kids.That is why I am calm knowing that it could go either way and preparing my-negative-self for the worse and hoping it will turn out the best. I really wish he would decide one way or another, but am going to make the most of the time he is still here.(the impatient side of me is creeping out). Bob, thanks too for your reply. True when we stop and foccus on what we have, how can we not find the strength to fight as long as we can. The trip would be great, I have never flown, and if it was closer to home I might consider it.Suppose anyone could start a get a way trip... See ya Sue
The fact that he's sitting on the fence is a good sign that you're not driving him out. From what I've seen around the boards, he could sit on the fence for quite some time.
I guess it takes time for him to straighten out his feelings in his own head. But the longer he stays, the longer he has to get used to the idea of staying.
Even if he isn't conciously doing this, he's comfortable enough to stay put, and he'll just continue to get more and more comfortable.
Guess that is true, at this point we are not the typical"can't stand to be around you couple" who is having problems. Last night was his bowling night, and after last weeks "drank too much, fell asleep on her couch" week, I was wondering if he would come home. Well he did, at 9;45! I di not ask why, asked how they did, he said they won all the games. i was still working in the kitchen about an hour later and he came out to bathroom, well, guess he had maybe mixed a few too many, as he was sick. I might have said in the past, "had too much to drink" but I said nothing. He knows I worry about achohol as his father had a problem, but my h does not at this point. He drinks beer occas., only since hooking up with her though, and I resent that sometimes, but he's an adult and made the choice. He's a pretty biig guy, and I've been with him ehrn he can have 5-6 beers and not get sick, so he must have mixed something else in there. Oh well, it's his head and stomach! At least he did not stay at her place and get sick! Have a good day all Sue
This reminds me of Bill Cosby's routine about getting drunk to the point of being sick and how they make a point of doing this weekly "to have a good time".
H and I chatted a little tonight before he went to church. I have not been seeing smallll steps, but the last few weeks he has rushed in from day job to get out to church job. Tonight he lingered for a little longer, told me about the day, had our minister call him to vent a few things,he asked if he should put on his minister robe!! I wasn't going to say anything about the night before, but I did, said"So did you drink something different: he said no that he had not eaten anything, and was fine till after he got home. At first I thought he came home early because he was sick, but turns out maybe he justed wanted to come home early for a change. I have to be positive that these are good signs, but will not allow myself to hope too far. See ya Sue
Just an update, h has been calling me at work last few days, has things to ask me, not just for hello's. Asked if I would go to football game tomorrow night with ff, as her son is playing and she did not want to go alone and see soon to be ex there. H also said that she was not ready for her son to see her with the new mf.So,she does have someone else.hmmm...it may just prove to be that I have been entirely wrong on what I think has been going on. H has been coming home early all this week, talks more, jokes more.How do I not blow it??I don't want to push anything on him. I was going to ask him for a hug, but I feel like that might signal to him that i am getting too close, yet what if he is waiting for me to make the first little move. It is too confusing, yet exciting in some ways. He was telling me that he would like to go with our church youth group into Chicago in a few weeks, and I would have used to sound sad, or let down that he would want to leave me on a Saturday, but instead I said that would be great. So small steps. Sue
Morning, went to football game with ff and it was fine, went out to eat after, and of course h and her smoke, but h is very respectful not to blow it in my face, but she does not even think about that. They talked about stuff at work and I felt kinda left out, but then h would kinda explain who they were talking about. She asked him to come over today and fix a light for her and he had told me earlier that he was going to, and that is ok with me,I am happy that he thought to tell me , yet I can't expect him to tell me every time she calls and needs him to come by or every time she calls him to talk. That is where the controlling comes in, and that it what he is bitter about. Me always having to know. I have not worded it right. When he is a home and she calls of course I know, when she needs him to come over I know, it's when he's not home, I should not expect him to call and say I am going over there, orshe called me on my cell.He wants the freedom to do these things without approval or whatever, and he should be able to, it's just that in 23 yrs he never did any of that, I alwys knew where he was, so that is what I am trying to improve. Now that I have rambled about nothing!! See ya Sue
rambling here is never about "nothing" it's about what your thinking and how your feeling. things sound really good for you right now, whatever you are doing is working and getting a diff reaction from h, he is calling more and wanting to do more, I bet your going to the football game with ff reasured you and h about her position in your m, none right, she's just a friend.
I know it is hard to not have the touch of your spouse, and having to much touch is something that i have been complaining about now, thing is my h before he left was not touching me, when i would try to sit on the couch with him it would be "what are you doing" so why it bothers me some is that it just seems odd to me that now suddenly when ow "friend" r has been ended is he now like this with me. I just think to much about things is all, h is giving me what i wanted so why am i complaining, because i am scared. why am i rambling here, i don't know, just wanted to say hello to you, and let you know that from what I'm reading on your thread things sound very good for you. LL
What you want, Sue, is something I worked hard and long for.
Like you said, you don't want him to ask permission to do things. You don't want him to feel like he can't make a move without telling you.
But you want some common courtesy. You live with him, and it's not unreasonable for you to be interested in his coming and goings. It's not unreasonable for you to want to know if his plans conflict with yours.
But when a person feels controlled, they start to perceive things in terms of controlling behavior. A simple "what'd you do today?" feels like a visit from the Spanish Inquisition.
Like I said, Sue, I worked long and hard to overcome this, and I have. Over a period of months (years?) I just asked the normal questions. At first, W was defensive, but after awhile, she came to realize that I was making conversation.
All I can say is rather than not asking questions, you should ask about his whereabouts, etc. Just don't stop there. Once he tells you, ask him for more. In other words, ask him where he's been as an opening to conversation.
Just act "normal" long enough, and you get it.
And something else. My W actually started asking me if it was OK for her to do such-and-such. My response was, "Of course." And when she got back, I'd ask her about it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that all you have to do is to act interested in what he's doing rather than suspicious.
And like everything else, eventually, he'll understand the difference.
Thanks LL,I know it's ok to come here and vent. Yes the football game did help with the ff. H and I just had a talk, I asked him if he has looked at anymore apt., he said they called him about the one he looked at and he needs to call them MOn. to let them know if he wants it. He is going to take it, he said he feels so good here some of the time, but we don't talk as much during the week and the sleeping seperate thing, that things aren't ok, and he still think he needs his own place to be alone and sort things out.We talked alittle more about his ff, and she thinks it is ironic that I want to get to know her better now that he's thinking of leaving.(I don't get that one), she even asked me to go shopping.They both don't understand why their friendship was ever an issue for anyone. She even mentioned it to her atty, who knows my H, and she said, why would anyone think there was something going on. Well from my view of things that is what I thought.I asked him to try and see what I saw and felt, but he does not seem to be able to.Also, ff is seeing someone else now, does that reaffirm that nothing was going on, I think it helps me.I only hope that it is not too late for me. I sked h about getting sep. chking acct just for me, he said why, he does not write any from our joint act. and he has his own from a few years ago that he got for work. He said he would put all of his paycheck in it except for what he needs for his appartment. I asked if there was a lease to sign and he said that it can be broken, you have to pay till they rent it again. I also told him that we have misc. stuff around to use or did he want to buy all new, he said he did not because what would we do with it "if we are able to work it out between us".
So I am trying to be positive, I can't imagine what the rest of my family and friends are going to think, I have a problem with what people think, and of course rumors that float. I guess he and I are the ones that really know what is happening and to h*** with the rest of them. It's times like this you learn who your true friends are.I asked him again to tell our kids, i don't want him moving out a few days after he tells them. They are 20 and 22, and still at home, so it is not like they don't know something is up, but I still worry about their reaction. The thing is how do I work on me now?? I know there are issues we need to work on, how do you do it when one is gone? I believe he feels very hurt for my assuming he was having an A, yet I feel hurt for being made to feel like I was second when ff needed him. I asked him today if he feels in his heart that he wants to work this out, and he did not answer. Do I take that as no, but afraid to tell me now or I don't know what I am feeling right now. Why couldn't he just say I don't know???Why why why, I want him to just open up and spill it all out, but I know that is not him. I feel a peace of some sort, yet scared. Sue
