LL, thank you so much for some words,any words that help me see that this is not the end. We had another talk and he told me that it does not mean the end, he just needs some of his own space. He said we could still do things with our friends together, even said if we went out to a movie and he decided to stay the night, that it did not mean everything was ok, and if he decided that he needed to go back to his own place it would not mean that things were bad. I asked him if he thought he was depressed, but he did nothink so. A close friend at church asked him if he was ok, as you can tell he is stressed, he told her some of the sitch. I am so glad he finally has other people to talk to, other than "her". Boy I sure went from Fri to Sun all mixed up, I thought for sure the friend going away was the answer to my prayer, but as we talked i see that things were changing and she did not help, but that was not the only problem. Funny thing is I feel a peace that he will get the space and time to heal, and hopefully decide that we are worth the work of putting it back. We still have not said anything to our kids,I think He will have to do it, I talk more with them, but I am not going to do this for him. I also mentioned how we could aford this, and I can't pay for the house, taxes, etc.. on my money, and since the kids are still at home, we do more or less still support them, and since they are both over 18, my sister told me he really could just not pay anything. i said that to him, and he said he would not do that, and that I was talking too far in the future, that again, this does not mean it will be permanent. told him that made me feel better that he is not thinking that it is over over. Again, thank you so much for the encouragement. I am so greatful for this place to "talk". Sue
Quoting hoping: We had another talk and he told me that it does not mean the end, he just needs some of his own space. He said we could still do things with our friends together, even said if we went out to a movie and he decided to stay the night, that it did not mean everything was ok, and if he decided that he needed to go back to his own place it would not mean that things were bad.
There is much good in this! I know (you've been over to my thread so you know I know) sometimes it seems really bad. But look at the positives and concentrate on those! Baby steps. He has closed no doors! He actually keeps them all open a bit! There IS room for improvement here!
Hi Sue, I'm sure you have heard it here before and now you see how it applies to your sitch -- the OP is not the source of the problems with the M but rather a consequence. I'm glad to hear that your H didn't take his R with OW to anything more than a just a friendship. Now that you know more of where she fits in, you can place less focus on her and more on yourself. This is a very delicate phase. Many here have been through this from (A)drian/Racheal to (Z)ebra and there are equally as many ways to approach it. In other words, it is unlikey that your sitch will run the same course as any of the others here. But there are some basic principles that if applied will give you the best chance at a positive outcome: - Don't try to discourage him from leaving. Any attempt will be interpretted as persuit and needy and will make them more determined to leave and push them further away. - Don't encourage them to leave either. Let them make all the arrangements. They will soon discover their perceptions about leaving are not the same as the reality of it. Some will adjust, others find out they don't want to. - Give them all the space they need. For the most part you will be able to read when they want your company and when they don't. You should have a personal agenda set for when they don't. Do for yourself. Find ways in which you can go your seperate way to enjoy doing something for yourself or seek other company you enjoy being with. Sorta like an in-house seperation. You share the same living arrangements but do your seperate things when desired. Despite my W's pleas that she needed to strike out on her own, she also complained that she was lonely. So each night when I came home, I stepped back and monitored her actions. I could usually tell when she wanted companionship from me or when she wanted to be alone. When the latter, then I would focus my attention on D9. If she would turn "cranky" and I didn't want to deal with it, I would leave. Sometimes I'd take D to the park. Other times I go out by myself, but I would remove myself from when she was on edge. They believe you are the source of their uncomfortablity. When you remove yourself from that, they still have to deal with it and they see that you can continue on trying to enjoy yourself without them, so how can you be the source of their unhappinness? Eventually, they start looking inward as to why they remain unhappy and they can not move away from that! They continue to watch day after day that you continue to lead a joyful life even if it does not include them and begin to wonder why they can not enjoy being with such a happy person. It shakes their preceptions to their roots and forces them to rethink the causes of their problems are no longer you. Their mindset gradually shifts and then they become drawn to you as they to reach for the happiness you have and are willing to share...
Kaw and Steph, your thoughts and encouragement lifted me up at the end of the long day. I feel good at times, that this could be the beginning of the healing, and then my "pms" mind(sorry, but it is true!!)says he is just trying to walk away slowly to her arms, fooling me along the way to make it less painful. How do I get these feelings out of my heart??? She called him last night, and from what I can tell she asks if he can talk, so he said just a minute, and goes outside for cigerette-3 times!!.She had to tell him about her weekend, and afterwards I asked him if she had a good time.He said she asked him if he had told me, and will be mad if I tell anyone. She tells him far too many things that he can't repeat.He honors people when asked not to tell, but she is using him. I would love to call her husband and tell him. Don't worry I'm not going to. Anyway, I hope that he is sincere in what he is saying. The old husband is like that, the changed one I don't know... Time will tell. Funny all these months as I read and read about the hurt and fear, I never really could feel it like I do now that it is hitting closer home.This is almost unbearable not knowing what the next week, month or year will bring, yet I keep telling myself that I am stronger and WILL handle whatever comes my way. Night all Sue
Good morning Sue, That is why it is important it live in the moment. If the moment is good, but a smile on your face. If now is not so good, think "what can I do to change it?" Maybe it is some different you can try or maybe its a matter of walking away from the bad for a little while. The past can not be changed and the future is beyond your control ... you can only affect the present and the way you move through it. If you make the best out of what is going on now, then the future will take care of itself. Down the road you will not have any regrets in regards to knowing that you attempted to make best out of the current sitch and that is what will make you FEEL stronger.
Thanks for dropping by my thread. I had a scan of yours, and I have to say…
Your H = my W.
So let me give you my take on your sit.
Firstly, there is no PA. There is no EA.
I know that personally, I can often relate better to women than men. I also know that my W can relate better to men than women. I think the reason for this is that men just don’t feel comfortable talking about intimate stuff with other men. My W has told me that she relates better to men because women tend to be “catty.”
I guess there’s just something about same-sex relationships that prevents us from being open. This means it’s easier to be close friends with people of the opposite sex.
So right now you’re thinking, “But he has me! He doesn’t need her!” But you have to remember that his friendship with her, and his friendship with you are not mutually exclusive. Both friendships are possible, and can thrive at the same time.
But as long as his friendship with her is a sticking point between you, one of them has to go.
He doesn’t see anything wrong with his friendship. There is nothing you can do to change his mind on this, so it will be a wedge between you and your H as long as you view her as a threat.
But she isn’t a threat, Hoping. Your H is not sneaking around with her. He’s inviting you along to some of the activities he shares with her. That’s good!
So don’t let his friendship with her distract you from your real problems.
The way I see it, your H feels like you’re always looking over his shoulder. He can’t talk to you about his problems, because he feels you’re judging him. And in fact, since his R with you is one of his problems, he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about that. He may even be seeking advice from “her” as to why you feel so “insecure.”
I’ve been all through that, Hoping. It’s a vicious circle. You want to be his best friend, but feel like you’re being displaced by her. He can’t treat you like a best friend because you’re (in his view), trying to interfere with his other friendship(s) and activit(ies).
My best advice to you is to forget about her in terms of being a threat. Don’t even think of her in terms of being in competition for his friendship. You have to concentrate on being the best friend you can be. Once you’ve established yourself as his best friend, then the level of friendship he has with her is totally irrelevant.
You H considers his friendship with her as irrelevant to his R with you. It’s up to you to turn this perception into reality.
Andy, thank you, you really pointed some good things out to me, except where you said I feel like I am be displaced by hre, I feel like I am going to be replaced by her. When my thoughts wander to the negative of him leaving, I feel like he will rely on her more, see her more, and she will take every chance she can to get him. You know I was thinking that he remembers these things I ahve said about being like his dad etc..well years ago when we were first married and had I was talking with his Mom and sister-in-laws, we were talking about affairs and his Mom said most all men have them, I did not agree with her, and said that i hope that a man or woman would end the marriage first, before having an affair. I think somewhere along the way i told h about that conversation, so now i think, is this his way out, push me away slowly, move out, get d, then carry on with her? I can't help these feelings, tell me I am not totaly crazy for having them. Yet he seems so sincere in what he said about it not meaning m is over . What has happened to my trust for him? If I can't rebuild that, then there won't be a m.I feel like I have d'b'd so hard these 5 months, for what?He has put no effort in it.What else can I do?
I also have a problem that he has not talked to our kids, I don't want him springing something on them a few days ahead of time. I have a closer relationship with them, so i thought i would tell them, but thought nope, he has to. They know she calls here and he goes over there alot, so are they going to assume what everyone else is going to??? We live in a smaller town, knwo lots of people and I am so afraid people are going to whisper, and we know they do. I am quick to judge, but have learned that it is not fair to assume things that you really don't know the facts about. I will continue to build my pma, and go on as if. Sue
I had to come here and journal, it is 3a.m. and h is not home.Tues. are bowling with her. How could he do this?? I almost picked up the phone and called, but I contained myself.I believe her wedding anniv. is somewhere around this week, so I suppose he has to comfort her.
I so want to trust him after our talk last weekend, but why would he go and spend the night out???I feel better now. Sue
sue, I know how you feel and what you think of ow, my h had ow friend for a long time before I even knew about her, he claimed to not tell me because i would be jelouse (well doesn't that count for somehting then, if i'd be jelouse then your not giving me what your giving her, otherwise I wouldn't care! ok sorry for that) we tried to work on things, didn't work because I didn't trust him about ow being friend and wanted him to no longer see or talk to her, (he lied) eventually he moved out, wasn't happy with me, had gotten to a point where he just didn't want to be home, couldn't be comfortable at home etc,... Ok i have to just stop ranting out my saga to you.... point is, if h wants to go whether there is interest in ow or not you have to just let him go, things have to change and maybe the change will come from him leaving, now that is not to say you should tell him to leave but don't worry to much if he does. my h left, fell in love with his friend, got her to leave her h (or at least ask for a d) but now is wanting to come home to me and work on our r, and is no longer talking to her (his idea this time) LL
LL, I know I can't stop him, he finally came home this a.m. at 6, I went down to ask if he was ok, and what happened. he said he had too much to drink at bowling and when he took her home, he got sick and passed out on sofa and woke up at 6!!!!Now, I want soooo much to believe him, but does this sound a little fishy to you guys? If he did not seem so genuine in his openess about her calls and going to"help" her all the time, I would not have a doubt that he's lieing, but that is what confuses me so. he has had many chances the past year to just tell it all to me, and I would have gladly sent him on his way then. He has gotta be in mlc. This is not the same person I married. Sue
