Hi Sue, I'm sure you have heard it here before and now you see how it applies to your sitch -- the OP is not the source of the problems with the M but rather a consequence. I'm glad to hear that your H didn't take his R with OW to anything more than a just a friendship. Now that you know more of where she fits in, you can place less focus on her and more on yourself. This is a very delicate phase. Many here have been through this from (A)drian/Racheal to (Z)ebra and there are equally as many ways to approach it. In other words, it is unlikey that your sitch will run the same course as any of the others here. But there are some basic principles that if applied will give you the best chance at a positive outcome: - Don't try to discourage him from leaving. Any attempt will be interpretted as persuit and needy and will make them more determined to leave and push them further away. - Don't encourage them to leave either. Let them make all the arrangements. They will soon discover their perceptions about leaving are not the same as the reality of it. Some will adjust, others find out they don't want to. - Give them all the space they need. For the most part you will be able to read when they want your company and when they don't. You should have a personal agenda set for when they don't. Do for yourself. Find ways in which you can go your seperate way to enjoy doing something for yourself or seek other company you enjoy being with. Sorta like an in-house seperation. You share the same living arrangements but do your seperate things when desired. Despite my W's pleas that she needed to strike out on her own, she also complained that she was lonely. So each night when I came home, I stepped back and monitored her actions. I could usually tell when she wanted companionship from me or when she wanted to be alone. When the latter, then I would focus my attention on D9. If she would turn "cranky" and I didn't want to deal with it, I would leave. Sometimes I'd take D to the park. Other times I go out by myself, but I would remove myself from when she was on edge. They believe you are the source of their uncomfortablity. When you remove yourself from that, they still have to deal with it and they see that you can continue on trying to enjoy yourself without them, so how can you be the source of their unhappinness? Eventually, they start looking inward as to why they remain unhappy and they can not move away from that! They continue to watch day after day that you continue to lead a joyful life even if it does not include them and begin to wonder why they can not enjoy being with such a happy person. It shakes their preceptions to their roots and forces them to rethink the causes of their problems are no longer you. Their mindset gradually shifts and then they become drawn to you as they to reach for the happiness you have and are willing to share...
