New day, new week...H was quiet and distant yesterday, when we got home from church "she" called, needed to talk, so he went over, I asked if he was staying all day to watch football, he said no. So for a few minutes after he left I panicked, thought right, we'll see when you come home, then I found peace in my garden. Cleaned the weeds, etc..He was only gone an hour, I did not ask a thing, but he was quiet the rest of the night (of course he is not usually a talkative person anyway)but I would guess something she said had some affect on him. Today we are both off work, but he went out to do church finances, it is still pretty clear that he does not want to spend time with me, and is not ready to recommit to this m. But I will continue to be patient, and kind, I just question sometimes how long can I do this??? As long as I still see some improvements, if he starts withdraw and slip backwards, then I guess we have to the or talks. We have not been back to c for 6 weeks, and I don't ask him anymore why. Before he said he just didn't have time to think about it. I might go myself and touch base with c.
Hope everyone that is off work today, can enjoy!! Sue
Help, I am about to lose it, and I have not felt this way in a long time. H came home from church job, only home an hour and his friend calls, needs to borrow ladder, so of course he would not say, Maybe another time, no he loaded it up and off he went, I was cooking dinner, asked if he would be back to eat before going back to church, he said if he was hungry he would be. I guess I am fooling myself to think there is no A going on here. He has no problem saying no to me when I need something done, but I guess when you are with someone a long time it is easier to hurt them then the other person. I feel so angry towards her, yet he has made the choice to jump at her every call.I would like to call her up and reem her out, but what would that accomplish? Do I sound like I am trying to hold on to a M that maybe I should not be?? I am just looking for some kind of encouragement right now. Things had been going ok, until now, as I said earlier i feel like something has been said to put him in a down mood.Lord knows I have not been questioning or accusing, so I will not take responsibility for this one. I am going to go for a walk to clear my head, I am not ready to give it all up, yet that is how I feel right now. Bye Sue
There was a time in my life when I did the same thing to my wife that your husband is doing to you. For me my self esteam was really low. When I looked at my wife I saw a reflection of my own failures. It was nothing that she was doing she was just a reflection of my soul and my soul was not feeling very good at the time.
I would go and help other people because it helped me feel better about myself. I wrote a little example for another dber a couple of months ago I will piece a little of it here for you
As something to think about imagine......:
You stop at a neighbors house knock on the door and say " I would like to do your dishes" If they allowed you to do the dishes what would there reaction be.
Would they - Ignore the fact that you did them? Gripe that you dripped water on the floor? Shower you with thanks and praise for being such a good person?
I guess what I am trying to get at that your husband is in essance helping stranger. No matter what he does for them "for now" he receives huge amounts of praise and it feeds his need for admiration and helps his self esteam.
Anyway I hope this gives you another way of seeing your situation.
So how can you respond to your husnabd in new ways that might help fill his emotional needs?
How have you been responding. Do you compalin about what he is not doing? Do you gripe about what he did wronge or do you shower him with thanks and praise?
Eric, I have never thought of my h having a low self esteem.If anyone has been known to, it is me. I have greatly improved that the last 6 mos. I don't too much ask him to do any of the "honey do's" around house, as I have asked him several times, and he has "no time" to do them, so I don't ask. H came home from helping her and I asked if he was ok, he just mumbled yes, but something is very different from a few days ago. I will only vent here, as I will not ask him again. Sue
H came home from work and still seems so down, I was trying to think what i have said that would make feel so down, then I decided I have not done anything, I really think "she" might be putting pressure or whatever on him. He bowls with her tonight, and usually leaves around 5;45, but came home changed clothes and left just after 5. I almost got in my car to see if he went to her house this early, but didn't.I am not that stupid. I feel like he is trying to make me question him, or yell at him, then he will have an excuse for wanting out, because I am pressuring. So, advice, please...do i remain quiet, wait to see what's up, or do I confront and find out once and for all just what the h*** he wants to do about us!!! I think if our two kids were out on their own, it would be easier to leave, but I will hold on to the family as long as I can. Any words right now might help. Sue
I know you're going to think I am crazy, but I asked H this morning if he wanted to ask a few people over Sunday to watch football, including HER.. He said maybe. If I really had my choice, I would rather she disappear somewhere, but I feel like I have to try, as maybe there is no A, and seeing them together,I might get some clue as to what there is.
I did ask him if things were ok, as he has been so quiet, he just looked at me and said he had alot of things going on in his mind right now. I know he's busy at work, church, but the way he looked at me was strange. i just said ok, and will not ask again. till next time Sue
I just had to share the latest. If you just read th eprevious, I asked h if he wanted to invite people over Sunday, her too!! Well I casually asked him if she was coming, he said she was going away for weekend(yes!!) I did not ask anymore.Since we don't have many meals together with our kids, and they were free tonight, asked if they wanted to go out, h seemed hesitant, but went. As we all sat around table and talked of things going on, he seemed so like his old self, my heart ached for joy.
The best part was when we got home I asked where she was going, he said to a friends cottage, I said "by herself", h said "no with him"!!!(yes yes yes!!) I asked who he was , but h said he could not say right now(uh, is he married too??)Soooo needless to say I am on cloud nine, she has someone else, which makes me wonder if they did have a talk, and she wants to be with someone, and my h decides he wants is M, OR, maybe they really have just been friends all along and I have dreamed all this way too far out of proportion??? Any way, sorry to ramble on, but I am excited that she has someone else to hook into. I even asked him if he would trim trees tomorrow, he said yes.. I am going to go slow, and not blow anything. Sue
sounds good hoping, I am happy for you, I only wish my h's ow had a boyfriend too, then I could truly believe that all they did have before I pushed it was a friendship. trust is a very hard thing to give. good luck to you!! LL
Help, just when I thought things maybe were looking up, in reality they are not. H went to store with me this morning(which he usually does not)he is usually not home on Sat. morning. Anyway on the way he started talking, and told me that he was feeling tense about being at home again, just as he did last spring. He said he talked to our pastor this week, and one thing she told him wass that no matter what he did he had to do it because it is what he wants and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.He really has this thing about being on his own. We sat and talked, and for the first time since his Dad died, He had tears streaming down his face.We talked about the friend, and he said that I would understand the friendship better if I knew the whole story about her and her h, but that he promised her he would not tell. He said I have told you all along that there has never been anything between us, and last spring, when I accused him of something that it hurt him. he also said that in the past I have siad he is getting like his father, and that I don't want our marriage to be like his folks, and those things have hurt him also.Soo, what do I do???He said sometimes when he is home, he doesn't know what I am going to say or do, so he is on edge.I have not pursued any r talks, I thought I had backed off, left him alone to think through things these past months. He says whatever we are doing is not working, we have fun with friends and things like that but when we are alone, nothing. I told him that I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, so I don't do anything. I think he knows that i don't believe you can work on a marriage, when you are seperated, yet I have read many threads here where you are succeeding.Our c said it is better if you are together and work on things. He has alot of hurt and probably anger built up, so do I let him go. Silly question, I know I can't keep him here. I am so afraid for our kids, even though they are 20 and 22, they are at home, and I feel like it will crush them, yet they must sense things aren't right. I also worry that financially I will not be ok, which I won't, we can"t afford 2 households. Boy those are really reasons to stay together. But are concerns. I don't know where to start over from here.
sue, sorry thigs are sounding down, but know that things change, no separation is not the best way to work on a marriage but sometimes separation leads to people working on themselves and then realizing how much they really value the marriage.
my h moved out, against my wishes, when he did I said it wouldn't help us it would be the end of us. started to look that way for a while and he even asked for a d and expressed that he had fallen in love with his "friend" now for some reason six months after walking out the door and saying it is over with us, he is wanting to try, has not moved back home yet but is working toward it. so don't look at separation as a marital death sentance. don't however mention it to him, if he wants to go then let him. sometimes it is what people need. LL
LL