Quoting hoping: I know "she" is one of them,possibly the only one... Kinda windy here tonight.
Oh! It's windy here too!
The fact that she may be "possbly the only one" is of very little importance..first of all, she may NOT be the only one and second, he DID call to tell you.
I had the same feelings as you (and stil do). I am a teacher and at my school, very few (none) people go out for a drink after work...even on Friday's. But my wife is a designer, and it seems she COULD go out every second day. When she does...it eats at me like you wouldn't believe and my imagination runs wild. But then she decides to turn down invitations and spend time with me and I feel like all my worries were unfounded! This could very well be the case here!
H got home about 10;30, and I asked him how his night was, where they went, and of course who went, it was just the 2 of them, then they went to her place for a couple more beers. Soooo... someone help me out, could they really be making a fool of me?? He seems so so like it is his buddy that he's been with.he does not seem guilty,or evasive when I ask him.. then why does this tear me up.Why won't he ask me to go out for a beer, and spend 5 hrs with, talking. He ahs never talked in 24 yrs, what does she do for him.
I am really losing it here, and I have to get a grip. I feel better already. Thanks Steph, for your reassurance.It may be nothing and very well could be that they are just buddies( is that really possible between oppososite sexes???)
I all most blew it, I woke up very early and was re thinking h outing last night, and decided I nedded to let him know how I feel about this one on one time with her. I had it all planned what i was going to say (or should I say how I was going to "attack" him) I finally got a grip and calmed down, fell back to sleep and woke up ok. I am not going to say anything.That is partly why we are in this sitch. I would just dive in and let him have it, in all the wrong ways. But can I say anything at all on how I feel???He never seems to want to hear that either, evwn when I have tried to calmly let him know. I don't mind him going out, but not just with her and for 5 hrs drinking when she already has an alchohol problem, really bothers me.I just don't want to set us back to the old ways of talking or should I say not talking. Sue
H asked me if ok that she come over and watch football on Sunday, I said ok. She came, already had too much to drink, had more here, but we were all ok. Sometimes I think they are really good at hiding something, or I have really been CRAZY all these months for thinking that this is more then the friendship that he has told me all along. I did tell him nicely later that his going out after work does not bother me, but that it was with just her did, and for 5 hrs drinking. I said How can you contribute to her problem? He said he can't make her quit, she has to want to do it on her own. He did not seem mad about the talk, so I did not push for anymore. I do feel like I deserve to know where he stands on the commitment to our M, but I am holding back and not going to start throwing questions left and right.
I still don't understand why he lost all his affection for me, and as he said in c , he wasn't sure either. In my mind that spells affair, guilt, but I have read others posts, and it does not always mean that. He did start a blood pressure medication in the spring, and I have read that sometimes they can affect the sex drive, but it all stopped before he started those.I have never suggested that to him, I continue to be happy for myself, and it is showing slowly with him. We laugh together more, he seems to come home alittle earlier from evening church job. He is on bowling league with her, and they stay out till at least midnight or later each week, last night he was home at 10:30!! I did not say a word, except "HI" Before I would have drilled him why he was home early, etc... We refinanced our home last week, is that a sign that he is staying in the M????Or for a split second I thought maybe he is setting it up so if we do sep, he will be able to afford house alone, (we paid off car, credit cards) As I have learned here, if that is his plan, and I have no reason right now to believe that, I have to survive. Sue
Quote: ... I do feel like I deserve to know where he stands on the commitment to our M, ...
Right now he is not sure where he stands, so how is he going to tell you? But keep in mind that he is still living with you. So long as you don't add fuel to those doubts, they will extinguish themselves.
Quote: I still don't understand why he lost all his affection for me, and as he said in c , he wasn't sure either.
At the right oppurtunity, such as an quiet moment when you are snuggled next to him, try posing a question like, "When you think of us as happily married, what would I be like?" and just listen. Don't respond to anything he states other than to validate that you heard what he said. Just absorb it and thank him for being open. Then ponder what he said in your mind over the next couple of days and try not to criticize it. Somewhere in what he says will be how he would like to feel about you. From this you should be able to make some goals that will bring you closer together and come up with some 180's to strive for those goals.
Quoting hoping: I still don't understand why he lost all his affection for me, and as he said in c , he wasn't sure either.
Sue, Just an Idea, I read some where in a book to list activities that we did with our spouces when we were dating. Then try to do some of those activities again or something similar.
There is a good chance that those original activities will hold a clue's that may help.
hoping, I have not read through your whole thread but see a bit of similarity, at least with the ow "friend" thing, diff being h had to be seen by a family friend of mine taking her to a doctors apt (cancer) before he let me know of "friendship" she is a customer so same as co-worker. I did not believe it to be just a friendship and h felt sorry for not letting me know of the friendship, alot of alienation of affection had been going on and not spending time together etc, so I assumed affair. he tried to work on m, was spending time with me being physical etc, i continued to badger him about ow made him end the friendship called ow (she called me first to appologize for having him drive her to appt) eventually three month of this and h moved out,, two month later says he wants d, loves me isn't in love with me. i tell a friend of his who talks to him and h tells friend of how he "connects" with this woman, can be himself etc. h still claiming ow to just be friend. i find db... get a life and accept that h is leaving.. learn that ow plans to d her h. my h tells me he fell in love with ow. well eventually six months after walking out the door, h wants to come home. still claims they were just friends a friend he had feelings for, still claims no pa (he couldn't?? whatever that means) don't know why I am rambling on your thread but wanted to relate to the "friend" bit. yes it is possible for them to be just friends as I still assume my h was with this woman however friends like these seem more like a ea to me and something to watch. I made the poss mistake of pushing it too far but it was worth it for me cause h now knows she has to go (knows but will he be able?) anyway I feel for you in your sit. LL
KAW your words always lift my spirits, except we don't snuggle. I won't make any moves towards anything, as I am afraid it will push him backwards. I did ask him the other night if I could give him a kiss, he said ok. Whoopi-I wanted him to grab me closer and just hold me, but no. I know I sound like this is the most important thing that I am missing, and in some ways it is. He was the touchy one, and I do miss it. Eric,that is one thing we don't do enough, spend time doing things we used to do, time is so short, I think I will suggest something.
LL, boy does it all sound familiar-I won't ask him to give up this relationship with her, or I know that it would send him out the door. That sounds weak on my part. He has actually included me in stopping by her house to watch football on Sundays, asked if she and her mom could come along to the movies. They never act as if they are into some hot A, just as friends.She has had many problems, alchohol the main one, and she is very close to her own D, which scares me to thinking that is what they are waiting for, I sometimes plot it all out, she gets D, he deiceds to leave home, lives with her, divorces me, m her!!!Then I wake up to what I hope is just a foolish nightmare on my part.My h is a very generous person, and he likes to help other people, so when she calls and needs his help his is willing, and if it were anyone else, I would not have such a problem. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Sue
sit sound sim but in reverse, I did not know of my h's friendship with this woman until he was seen with her, when i discovered the friendship, (using my moms advice) I asked h to invite her and her h here, he said ok, I didn't follow through with that though. ow's h knew of the friendship, my h even apparently picked her up for lunch once while her h was at home (laid off) with the kids. they were just friends, my h was being a support to her (she has cancer boo hoo to her, sorry I know that's not very christian of me) because for some reason her h wasn't. well well well the story goes. I doubted it because of the way my h is with his other friends and even family, he is caring and giving, but not there for them in the way he was/is for this woman. I questioned it and made h question it. the ow claimed they were just friends, even when my h had moved out, wasn't until months after my h said the d word that she decided to d her h and proffess "feelings" for my h. in my sit, the ow, was nice to my h, did something nice to help him out (called other customers when they were ready to drop him over billing issues) it is possible that your h and this woman are just friends, but if it is a friendship that you are uncomfortable with, then i would keep a close eye on it, accept all the opportunities you can when you are invited to spend time with them, but know that people are very good actors and can hide more from you than you'd think. never trust a woman especially a drunk woman on the verge of d who's spending way too much time with your h. LL sorry to be so neg just being realistic, look at h's other friendships, is he there for them in such a manner? LL
Yes, h is that way with anyone who asks. We have a single, 40ish, new Pastor at our church,shes great, have done some social things with her. She has asked my h for favors, they have gone out to lunch. I have no problem with that. He would do anything for anyone. It's just that I don't trust this other chick. But is that my problem or his? How can I demand that she is off limits? If I reversed the sitch and it was me, first I hope I would respect his feelings and cut some of the ties, he does not think it should be a problem.If it were me and om friend, and my h continuelly nagged or implied more, I would be angry and resentful. It is so hard to know. If by including me more is his way of showing me reassurance, then I have to trust him. Most of the posts that I've read are pretty cut and dry with the affairs, and that is where I don't fit in. I don't have hard proof,or confessions, so what do I continue to do? Start to follow him, accuse, assume, or trust until I have reason not to.It can drive you crazy at times. Have a great weekend, all!! Sue
