I'm grateful for this thread & topic -- ah, maybe this anxiety is "normal" and will run its course over time, as DB-ing becomes an integral part of my life?
I still get suspicious, some little reminder from "the bad times" triggers my fear and I feel my heart race and my hands tremble. Geez, it's only been a month since my H "moved home" (sleeps here every night) -- and he still maintains his other place. I get worried. Yes, I wonder what he's up to some days.
The thing is to NOT REACT.
My C made me list ways I can cope when this happens. Now to apply them:
-- first of all, be quiet (helps you avoid making nervous blunders, putting foot in mouth or revealing discomfort)
-- don't ask the question that's on your lips (who's she? where are you? what's going on?)
-- change something: get out of your chair, move to another room, grab the laundry basket, pick up a sketchbook and doodle, or open the paper to the comics page, or put on your shoes and grab a dog leash and the dogs will come running... just do something to get your mind off your FEAR
-- remind yourself of ONE GOOD THING that happened and COUNT that, see a positive sign and hang on for dear life to it (he called me "honey" today, he came over for lunch, he said "goodbye" before leaving, whatever)
-- Do not jump to conclusions! He is probably NOT (fill in the blank) ... shaving so he can look good for some O-chick ... dissing you to his chat buddies ... wishing he were somewhere else ... even though he used to. Things have changed. Trust this.
The last step requires a leap of faith, but in my case it is based on learning to see and COUNT small signs that the nightmare is ending. My H is on his way out of his depression. He's doing nice things for other people as well as for me. He is kind again. He is happy again. He calls me during the day. He tells me about his clients. He gets excited and laughs.
For MONTHS none of these things happened. They are miracles. Count them.
I'm not crazy to tremble. It's just that if I want to move forward, I have to bear it and not react. We are building up a bank of good times. I have to get control of my thinking. Hard to do. But I will do it.
Good work, hoping. Thanks for helping me think this through. Good luck to all of us in our progress!
