Andrea-It was good you kept you R talk about YOU and your feelings. I'm afraid of bringing the OW into it because of my feelings towards her and that would NOT be a good thing. He is acting as if she is out of his life for good the way he is treating me so I should not put her int front of his face again. I want it to be HIM that decides when to have that conversation-HIM to tell me she is nothing to him anymore. WE DO need to talk but not about "her". He is the type that does not like heavy R talks-what guy does?? He is between withdrawal and exceptance-I don't want to say or do anything that will put him further into withdrawal. The VERY best thing I can do for him is give him unconditioal love, appreciation and exceptance. We went out to dinner last night. It hit me this morning that I did not thank him for dinner-I took it for granted. He came home for a few minutes to get something-I took that opportunity to tell him I forgot to thank him for dinner last night. This is a 180 for me-he felt so taken for granted before we separated. I will not make the same mistake again! He will be appreciated and valued in this house! That is what the OW do-they make them feel so special...so, we have to do that so they don't go looking elsewhere for appreciation. I thank him for giving me the money to pay the bills, and little things I overlooked before. He told me he would call me later and asked what I was doing today! I don't have much of a life right now since I'm on leave from work but I try to get out of the house everyday. My life will be hectic once again soon enough once I decide wether to go back to work or go back to school. I'm leaning towards school unless I can find a job I really like doing. You said you work Andrea, what do you do? It's important to like what you do and I did not like my job anymore at all so I have to leave it one way or another even if I have to be a waitress it would be better than being in that corporate invironment! If I go back to school it would be to get my nursing degree. Adrian would have to support me fully then. We have to talk about that one. I think he will be ok with it as long as the money is good-He is a contractor and is doing very well but you never know in that business. I hate putting all the financial burden on him but he basically pays for everything anyway except groceries and couceling and my presciptions and gas, oh and the extra life insurance I have on him. He has to buy me a new car too-we are working on that now. Alot on his shoulders! Rachael
It's almost funny the similarities in all of our sitches. My h had ea. But he sloooowly seems to be coming around. I am careful to watch for the little signs. It wasn't long ago that he couldn't even say ILY. He says it daily now, touches me more. Seems to like me. Teases me. Still he doesn't say "it's over with her, I'm yours forever" Man I want to hear that. Keep watching for the small signs. LaurieLu
Gosh Laurielu, I just wish I'd hear ILY! How long have you been M? What happened in your sit.? How long ws it before yout H said ILY again after (I presume) be dropped the "bomb"? Lisa
Thanks-we do have alot in common here, I bet we have all been m for a longer period of time, don't know why i say that, I just feel it.
Kaw, thanks for your encouragement, I ahd never asked myself each day what I could do better, I will now. I called h tonight at work and asked if he wanted to go to movie, he wanted to wait till tomorrow, i said ok see ya, bye. After he came home i got the feeling that he thought I was mad about it, as in the past I would be disappointed maybe, so I got the nerve and said was not mad about not going. He said he did not know for sure, as I seemed to kinda cut the conversation short.I sometimes don't think I know what to say anymore, as he is the one that was distance, I don't know how far to push anything. How much to talk, I guess yo could say that I am still on some eggshells, not wanting to say or do anything that might put the wall back up. I also would like to have r talk, but save that for c.So, we take each day.
Just checking in, had an interesting night last night, the friend asked h and I over to play cards!!! Do you think she is really trying to tell me something?? She does not make any moves or gestures that I can see, I told h that because they both smoke, that I can't be there very long( h does not smoke in our house), and I asked if he maybe would not smoke as much, and he said "if you noticed last time I did not smoke as much" I said" I did not notice, because any amount of smoking inside is unusual for me to see him, it did not seem like less" he was very considerate and did not smoke as much, but go figure, what is up?? I found out that her d is final oct 7. I keep fearing that they are waiting for that. We have not been to c for a couple weeks,as c suggested that maybe we have one session seperate with her, we said we would schedule later, and I have asked h 2 times, and his response is "I really haven't had time to think about that". Sounds like he does not want to go seperate, but he is not saying lets just keep as it was.
I just don't know what is up, if anything. Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Will check in later Sue
Just a check in, h was leaving last night, and I was just standing there, and he gave me a quick kiss, I could have fallen over. He just walked out with a smile. Nothing since, was hoping he would warm me up last night(has been sleeping downstairs on lr floor for 2yrs). So, I guess you could say it is a hugh step, since he has not touched me since April.
But, tonight I almost blew it, he was supposed to have been going to church to do finances, and I tried calling him to tell him his mom had called,and left message and sounded like something was wrong, and he did not answer there, so I called cell, he said he was there, but line was not good. Of course I thought maybe he was not there, he called back to say his moms line was busy, but would call me back when he talked to her. SO, (stupid, old snooper, ways)creeped in on me, and I did *69, well number was not the usual church num, so I called information for "her" number and it was not that one. He called later to tell me his Gramma is sick, and I did the *69m again, same number. I guess(hope) that is a outside line at church.
What if I would have called him and jumped on him, it would have set everything back, how do we overcome these suspicians and/or prevent ourselves from following through with something stupid. I almost did the same thing a few months ago, but he did not answer his phone that day, and I later found out I was wrong. I never thought I would admit this and while it is a personal thing, I get like this when I am pmsing. At least i have gotten better at controling it, but it only takes one stupid move to ruin everything that I have worked hard at and thought I had solved. As it is, this board is the only one that knows what I did, and I am glad I have it to vent to. Sue
Sue-Its hard to think clearly when your obsessing. Ask anyone, I'm the Queen of it here, but for good reason. My H had an affair for over 2 yrs. I really beleive it is over now but it has taken me 5 months since I found out to stop TOTALLY obsessing about it. All we do is get ourselves all worked up over something we have NO control over, and hten act out making things worse. I have learned alot more control now, but I still get going every once in a while. I come herer to post ASAP to get some help and get my mind to at least a place where I won't go for his juggler. I have learned to keep quiet. You are right. We can screw everything up with just one slip up. We CAN'T let that happen. My H is watching me I know to see if I've really changed. I think he's finally starting to believe I have. I'M finally starting to believe I have! Good luck, Rachael
Hi Sue, You are doing just fine. You are doing what needs to be done at this time. By slowing down your reactions, giving a pause will allow you to act "as-if". What you will discover is over time this is how you break the old habits and form the new ones. The more you repeat act "as-if", the more it becomes habit and the less you need to think about doing it. Practice makes perfect. (yes...I'm just full of old cliche's, but they ring so true here... )
Try not to be worried about slipping. Everyone is human and makes mistakes. One time will not destroy your M. The important thing to remember is don't continue to do what doesn't work.
For example, one of my W's pet peeves was after dinner everyone would go their seperate ways and my W was left cleaning in the kitchen. For two months straight, I help her clean every nite. One evening, I just felt like relaxing after dinner and wanted to read a magizine that arrived in the mail. She journalled that nite how things were reverting back to the old ways ... ... but the next evening, I help her again in the kitchen ... and so on ... and so on ... and so on ... and she quickly came to realized the old ways were NOT back.
Also keep in mind this why there is no harm in experimenting with trying something new. If it doesn't work, just don't do it again and it is forgotten about, but if you find something that does work, the rewards can be bountiful.
Thanks (again) for the wise words. I know that dbing is now a lifetime thing.I think there should be some marriage 101 classes for all newly married people, we can learn everything else, but some wise tools at the beginning and learning how to deal with years into it, would be beneficial. I work in the court system, with divorces, and it is sooooo sad to see these m ending, when most of them have done nothing to try and save it. There is so much anger and hurt. Till late Sue
I'm grateful for this thread & topic -- ah, maybe this anxiety is "normal" and will run its course over time, as DB-ing becomes an integral part of my life?
I still get suspicious, some little reminder from "the bad times" triggers my fear and I feel my heart race and my hands tremble. Geez, it's only been a month since my H "moved home" (sleeps here every night) -- and he still maintains his other place. I get worried. Yes, I wonder what he's up to some days.
The thing is to NOT REACT.
My C made me list ways I can cope when this happens. Now to apply them:
-- first of all, be quiet (helps you avoid making nervous blunders, putting foot in mouth or revealing discomfort)
-- don't ask the question that's on your lips (who's she? where are you? what's going on?)
-- change something: get out of your chair, move to another room, grab the laundry basket, pick up a sketchbook and doodle, or open the paper to the comics page, or put on your shoes and grab a dog leash and the dogs will come running... just do something to get your mind off your FEAR
-- remind yourself of ONE GOOD THING that happened and COUNT that, see a positive sign and hang on for dear life to it (he called me "honey" today, he came over for lunch, he said "goodbye" before leaving, whatever)
-- Do not jump to conclusions! He is probably NOT (fill in the blank) ... shaving so he can look good for some O-chick ... dissing you to his chat buddies ... wishing he were somewhere else ... even though he used to. Things have changed. Trust this.
The last step requires a leap of faith, but in my case it is based on learning to see and COUNT small signs that the nightmare is ending. My H is on his way out of his depression. He's doing nice things for other people as well as for me. He is kind again. He is happy again. He calls me during the day. He tells me about his clients. He gets excited and laughs.
For MONTHS none of these things happened. They are miracles. Count them.
I'm not crazy to tremble. It's just that if I want to move forward, I have to bear it and not react. We are building up a bank of good times. I have to get control of my thinking. Hard to do. But I will do it.
Good work, hoping. Thanks for helping me think this through. Good luck to all of us in our progress!
)
... but the next evening, I help her again in the kitchen ... and so on ... and so on ... and so on ... and she quickly came to realized the old ways were NOT back.