love never fails

[kafira]

I_Still_Love_Him wrote: It's just so frustrating when the MLC is so obvious.

I know it's so obvious to everyone else, but I'm still not sure that's what this is. However, I do believe now that OW is going through MLC.

I_Still_Love_Him wrote: Is your H not responsible for providing for your S with the D agreement?

He pays child support but it's not very much. Once I am working, I'll be able to use his support for clothing and items specifically for S4 but right now I have to use it to pay the bills.

I_Still_Love_Him wrote: As for your H's new look, I honestly believe this will all be temporary. When the real H appears, let's see how long OW will be sticking around in both of our situations.

Yea, believe me...I'm anxiously awaiting the day OW sees my xH for the man he really is.

I_Still_Love_Him wrote: What is so ironic is that while your H and OW have both abandoned their M to be together, one of them will do the same to the other. When it will happen is unknown but it will.

I feel this is likely, but of course my xH and OW are convinced that their love is true and everlasting.

I_Still_Love_Him wrote: What happens when the feelings for OW start to change and he no longer is motivated to change his character? He will go back to being who he really is because his motivation was not for the right reason.

Well, that's assuming his feelings for her will change. What if this IS the real deal, what if she IS his soulmate or whatever? Sometimes I think he'll stick it out just to prove to everyone that it is real.

iluv2teach wrote: Just stop busting his chops, try to be a friend as much as possible, and take care of you, get a life, and as they keep telling me, go on as if you and H will not be reconciling. You might be surprised and his reaction when he feels he can't have the best of both worlds.

I've been pretty dark lately, but of course...so has he. When I do speak to him, I try to keep it friendly. It's hard, because I'm so hurt and angry. I don't think he sees me as even a second choice at this point, so I don't worry about the "best of both worlds" thing. He's simply not interested at all. His feelings for OW have completely overshadowed anything he had for me, including sexual attraction. He treats me like a stranger.

By the way, your post didn't offend me at all. I totally understand where you're coming from.

ConfusedMess wrote: Was your H different when you first met him than he was 2 or 3 years later? I bet he was.

Yes, but the person he showed me in the beginning was not drastically different from the person he really is. However, right now he's trying very hard to be different -- to the point that I actually find myself uncomfortable around him for the first time in 13 years. He just doesn't seem like he's the same person at all. Either he's good at faking or he really is changing for her.

ConfusedMess wrote: You cannot ever hold someone back from being someone they want to be. It's not possible. EVER.

Well, one example he uses is his marijuana smoking. He says that he was never able to quit when he was with me because I didn't encourage it enough. I didn't take a hard stance on it, which she apparently did. She basically told him that if he wanted to be with her, he had to stop smoking pot. That was enough for him to quit...and he's been sober for about a month or so now (according to him). However, I did encourage him to quit over the years and we had many conflicts over it. Did I take a hard stance? No. I didn't ever say that I would leave if he didn't quit. Maybe that was where I went wrong, but I was trying to love him without ultimatums and conditions.

He says that with OW he is motivated to start over fresh and be a better person. He says he feels like a "new man," and that he's not going to screw it up this time. It just hurts because I always wanted him to make these kinds of changes with me...and for our children. She must be one hell of a woman to make him want to do things he never did in the almost 13 years we spent together.

And now a very brief update:

OW's xH called last night and we talked a little bit. He said that when he picked up his kids on Friday night, he noticed that xH and OW seemed "on edge" and nervous. He said that when he talks to OW, she seems like she's stressed. I think they are just stressing about me and OW's xH talking. I don't know why that would matter, though.

My xH told OW's xH that he will have to deal with him when picking up the kids, which grew into a conflict. OW's xH said that he has contacted his attorney and will be drawing up new custody papers that state that no outside party will be involved in the exchange of the children and that the place of pickup/dropoff will be a neutral location. He's already told OW about it and she's pissed, as is my xH. Obviously, my xH wanted to be in control of that situation as much as possible (keeping OW and her xH from seeing each other during the exchange of children). I know none of this makes any difference in my situation, but it is a tiny victory in that my xH is seeing that he doesn't have the amount of power he thinks he has.