Quote: Sherman333 wrote: So what's next for Lizemba?
Well, right now I'm still looking for work. My primary goal is to get financially independent and stable. During the conversation yesterday, my xH said to me that if I caused any more trouble he would stop paying child support. When I reminded him there was a court order, he said, "Well, I'll just quit my job, you know I can do that..." which is absolutely true. He's done it before to avoid child support garnishments for SS14 and he'd do it again. So, I'd really love to be able to take care of things completely on my own so that when he makes such threats, I don't have to worry about it so much.
In the short term, I'm just trying to take it day by day and keep my eyes open to the possibilities around me. I know I'll be okay and I know I'm surrounded by people who love me. I just need to keep moving forward and stop looking back.
I'm so sorry to hear of your unpleasant news and conversations. I discovered my W's PA through a journal in which she chronicled the events of the affair. It was a terrible thing to discover and the words written in her own hand cut through me like a knife.
Still, with a little time (hard to believe it's *already* been two months since she left...and hard to believe it's *only* been two months since she left) I've come to value the information I gained from that horrible revelation. I think you will find this to be the case as well (though it may take just a bit more time for you).
Like others have stated, your H's choice to abandon the marriage was *his* decision and not your fault. While I'm sure you shoulder some responsibility for the problems in the marriage (don't we all?), that's not the same as running away instead of facing the problems and dealing with them. You stayed...he didn't. You can take some comfort in that.
Likewise, getting more information helps you look at your WAS with more clarity and objectivity (I know it did for me). When the rose-colored glasses of love are finally off, you can make a clear and real evaluation of the other person. Once I did that, I realized that I don't want my WAW as she is now any more than she wants me the way I was.
I think you're beginning that process as well. That's good. It doesn't mean you don't want to fix things...but it does give you some freedom to begin moving on. And speaking of moving on, I hope you can redouble your efforts in that area. I know how hard it is, but the small victories are so sweet and they give you strength later when you look back on them.
Personally, I continue to walk the fine line between moving on and leaving the door open for reconciliation. It's a difficult thing to do, but it has been a worthy effort and the payoffs are still coming.
Hugs to you and may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
I guess I don't have much to say today other than what many other's have said.
Who knows what impact this had on XH or OW. I don't even think you really care at this point because you feel your XH is lost for now. I think you found this information out because you needed to hear it. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I think sometimes getting more of the truth - what really happened - helps us to deal with it rather than store those things away only to resurface later. Often denial or burying feelings come back to haunt you. I know first hand this happened to me.
Good luck! I'm interested in what is next for Liz too. Please keep us updated.
Hi Liz ~ Just stopping by with lots of hugs. You have already gotten so much great advice. We are here for you any time. You are doing just fine. You are a strong beautiful woman and there is something great out there for you I just know it.
Much love to you sweetie!
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
On Wednesday, my xH called me to tell me he had gone to the courthouse to get the final papers. He said he would bring by my copy and a few other things of mine he found among his things. During that conversation, which was civil and somewhat friendly, I brought up that I could not afford to keep our dog any longer (feeding him has become a burden for me because of my financial problems). I asked if he would like to take him. He said he would and that he would pick him up on Friday.
My xH called on Thursday afternoon and said that he would be in my area that night and wanted to know if he could come by and get the dog then. I called him back and told him that would be fine.
He showed up Thursday night looking very handsome. New clothes, new hat, new coat, new boots...the works. He is also growing his facial hair out into a goatee, which is new. He smelled good, too. He never weared cologne when we were together, but he was wearing it that night. I felt myself getting angry when he first entered my apartment and I said something like, "How nice that you can get new clothes while our son goes without!" He gave me a dirty look and we bantered back and forth about it a bit and he agreed to buy S4 some clothes. S4 has been wearing clothing that is too small and all torn up...he really only has one pair of jeans that are decent and he doesn't have a winter coat at all. I've asked my xH to help me buy clothing for him, but he's always given me an excuse. So, to see him come here in new clothing really pissed me off. After a moment, I calmed down and apologized for my attitude toward him and told him that I'd had a rough week. He said he understood and didn't seem bothered too much by it.
Earlier in the evening, S4 said something about my xH taking him to church. I didn't know anything about it and we're supposed to discuss religious choices for S4 together, so I was upset. Considering my xH is an atheist, I found it amusing that he would be going to church now...but when I confronted the issue, he said that he didn't take S4 to church and would never do something like that without talking to me first. And then he added, "Believe me, I still have absolutely no faith in God." I told him I didn't really care what his religious choices were, but that I had a right to know what religion my son was being exposed to. Thankfully, he agreed. We talked to S4 about the situation and we both asked him not to make up stories, since that's apparently what happened. I don't know why he would do such a thing, but it really concerns me because now I won't know if what S4 tells me is the truth or not. And since I can't trust my xH's word, either...it puts me into a sticky situation.
He said, "I need to go get the papers from my jeep," and I said, "Oh, so it IS your jeep now," and I laughed a little. He said, "No, it's not. I wish it was mine, but it's not. I have a piece of sh-t truck that isn't running, remember?" I said something about how it must be nice to be living the "high life," driving a new jeep, getting new clothes, and living in a new house, having all of his debts being taken care of by his new girlfriend. He looked down at the ground and said, "None of it is really mine," or something like that.
When he left to get the papers, I broke down crying. I tried to get myself together before he came inside, but I couldn't. He gave me my copy and I put it on the table without looking at it. I turned away from him and cried a little bit more. He said, "What's wrong?" I said, "You know what's wrong." He didn't say anything to that. He busied himself with S4 for a bit while I tried to get myself together. At one point, he asked if I would be okay. I said, "Eventually, yes." He just nodded.
I asked for the key to my apartment back. He hesitated and started to protest, but before I could say anything he changed his mind about protesting and gave me the key. I said, "You won't even let me INSIDE of your new house, so I don't think it's really appropriate for you to have a key to my apartment." He said, "That might change," and I didn't know what he meant so I asked for clarification. He said, "There might come a day when you don't want me in your apartment." I said, "I doubt it, actually. I have nothing to hide and I don't have the intense sense of privacy that you have." He didn't say anything.
He said goodbye to S4 and walked out. And I broke down and cried for a good hour or so, and have been having a really hard time ever since.
In addition to all of that, OW's xH called me this week again. We talked for about 30 minutes. He said he isn't allowed to talk to me. He said that my xH threatened him with physical harm if he talks to me again. Also, when OW's xH came to pick up the kids for visitation, my xH was standing outside monitoring the exchange and wouldn't let OW's xH even see or talk to OW. I guess my xH said, "This is how things will be done from now on. You'll be dealing with me." I can't imagine why OW is letting my xH control so much of her life, but then again...I let it happen for many years, myself. It's just surprising that she doesn't see the control issues coming to the surface already.
I heard more about what my xH has been telling OW, too...which wasn't much fun. Of course, I'm being blamed for everything. It's all my fault that things fell apart. According to OW, my xH is just "misunderstood" and he's been the victim of an abusive, controlling relationship which he couldn't get out of because he felt obligated to stay. Hello? He left me time and time again and ALWAYS CAME BACK. I never forced him to come back. He just did. And now it's my fault he couldn't get out of our relationship for 12.5 years? Gah, the BS just gets piled higher and higher.
My xH also told OW that I'm the reason for all of his failures -- financial, criminal, and drug-related. I'm the reason he smoked pot. I'm the reason he could never hold down a job. He's going to change his whole life for her and become this better man to prove that it was all ME that did it. He told her that he would do anything it took to prove that he would love her forever. It breaks my heart to hear such things.
I think what hurts the most right now is that my xH is trying to become a better man. He's trying to "clean up his life". I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering why I was never good enough for that. Why couldn't he ever try to be a better man for me and our kids? Why couldn't he ever clean up his life for me? What does she have that I don't have? Why am I not worth that?
I know you'll all tell me that this R with OW is doomed to failure, but I'm just not seeing it. My xH is a changed man, at least on the outside. He looks and acts totally different. I barely even know him anymore. And it hurts so bad to think that I'm the one who made him into the person he was during our R...that there was this great man inside the whole time just waiting to be released by the "right woman".
Is that even possible? Come on, give it to me straight...because I really need to know. Is it possible that he will change that much for her? Is it possible that I'm the reason that he couldn't do any of those things to better himself? Can love between two people motivate you to really change your character?
I am so broken today. I thought I was on the road to healing, but lately I feel like I'm right back where I started.
By reading your post this morning, I can relate to almost everything you feel. I too am being blamed for everything miserable in H's life. But guess what, good or bad, I'm not taking the blame anymore. And you should not be doing it either. Love can inspire people to do lots of things, it's a question of "can they stick to being that way?" Just like us dbing and keeping the change.
During my early days on Newcomer, you have givin me great advice. And I'm trully thankful. Liz, you have been an inspiration to me. I admire your bravery and strength. Keep that up, I know it's not easy but we have to.
Liz...it's been a while since I've posted here and wanted to check in.
It's just so frustrating when the MLC is so obvious. Your H cares more about himself than for his own son proves how selfish he really is right now but he can't see it. Is your H not responsible for providing for your S with the D agreement?
As for your H's new look, I honestly believe this will all be temporary. My H went on a crash diet to attract OW back in the Spring and when I saw him this past week after not seeing him for over a month, I noticed he had put weight back on. They are so shallow in thinking that how they look can hide who they really are inside. When the real H appears, let's see how long OW will be sticking around in both of our situations.
What is so ironic is that while your H and OW have both abandoned their M to be together, one of them will do the same to the other. When it will happen is unknown but it will.
Don't believe for one minute that your H's issues are because of you. He doesn't want to own any responsibility and of course it is easier to blame you. How did YOU cause him to have a criminal record? How did YOU make him smoke pot? Let him believe what he wants right now because moving forward he will only be able to either take responsibility for any future mistakes or blame OW. At some point, one of them will be very unhappy and want out of the relationship.
Quote: I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering why I was never good enough for that. Why couldn't he ever try to be a better man for me and our kids? Why couldn't he ever clean up his life for me? What does she have that I don't have? Why am I not worth that?
He is only trying to prove to OW that he is a different person than who is really is. He's trying to prove that it was your fault for the person he had become. She should take this as a sign that he will one day transfer blame from you to her. This is not permanent. You did not make him into the man he was, he did.
Quote: I know you'll all tell me that this R with OW is doomed to failure, but I'm just not seeing it. My xH is a changed man, at least on the outside. He looks and acts totally different. I barely even know him anymore.
Everyone tells me the same thing about my H and I too feel that H might actually be happier with OW but you and I don't know that and based on research and statistics, divorce rates increase with each M. Even if your H will try to appear to be happier with OW, it may not actually appear to be so. Do not beat yourself up. Yes, we made mistakes and so did our H's but we are the better ones for not ever walking out on them. I know in my heart, they will come to realize their mistake some day and only we will have the control to decide to take them back or not.
Quote: Can love between two people motivate you to really change your character?
You have to want to change your character because you know it needs fixing. Changing for the sake of someone else is usually temporary. What happens when the feelings for OW start to change and he no longer is motivated to change his character? He will go back to being who he really is because his motivation was not for the right reason.
Quote: I am so broken today. I thought I was on the road to healing, but lately I feel like I'm right back where I started.
I know how you feel. I started off the same way this morning and as you know we will have ups and downs until we decide we want to get off the rollercoaster ride. Hang in there. You've got a lot of support here so come whenever you feel the need to.
Better days are on their way. 2007 is a new year and a new beginning. (((((((((LIZ))))))))
MLC, deluxe!!!!! He is putting on an act and how long do you think that will last. All of his BS is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. And it is coming from the *itch that got involved in an inappropriate R with your H and lost her family as well. Don't you think she is trying to convince her X that what she did was justified and what a wonderful catch she has.
OW has to delude into thinking that is all true because otherwise she looks like a big fat fool for supporting a man that has no desire to work and help her out.
You don't want him like that....he is acting....when the curtain comes down he is still the screwed up mess he was with you.
IF he ever becomes that better man that I don't doubt he would like to become (just because no one wants to be a loser), he will drop her like a hot rock because she has NO morals and no backbone. She is so desparate that she has to pay someone to stay with her.
Your H sounds like he is trying to mask depression with new clothes, cologne, and other material things. It won't work for long. Just stop busting his chops, try to be a friend as much as possible, and take care of you, get a life, and as they keep telling me, go on as if you and H will not be reconciling. You might be surprised and his reaction when he feels he can't have the best of both worlds....He still has a long way to go to get through his problems.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I wanna keep this short and to the poing b/c I could go on for hours about what you have just posted.
Is it possible that he will change that much for her? Is it possible that I'm the reason that he couldn't do any of those things to better himself?
Was your H different when you first met him than he was 2 or 3 years later? I bet he was. When guys find someone they want to be with no matter how damaged that man may be. He will make changes to try and make himself be the person that his new interest wants him to be. Those changes won't stick b/c we as men don't make a concious effort to make them stick. We don't make those changes until we realize that those changes need to be made and even then it takes practice.
You cannot ever hold someone back from being someone they want to be. It's not possible. EVER. Don't place any blame on yourself for his actions. If it is possible for you to be responsible for his actions, then I'll start blaming you for mine also!
Liz you are a wonderful person and a great mother. Don't ever forget that.
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
I just reread my post and I have to apologize for being a little harsh. Apparantly something in your post hit a nerve. It just makes me angry when someone acts inappropriately and then tries to justify it by making the person who was most loyal to them feel like it was their fault. If anything I said upset, I apologize. That was not my intention.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
At some point, one of them will be very unhappy and want out of the relationship. 
