On Wednesday, my xH called me to tell me he had gone to the courthouse to get the final papers. He said he would bring by my copy and a few other things of mine he found among his things. During that conversation, which was civil and somewhat friendly, I brought up that I could not afford to keep our dog any longer (feeding him has become a burden for me because of my financial problems). I asked if he would like to take him. He said he would and that he would pick him up on Friday.
My xH called on Thursday afternoon and said that he would be in my area that night and wanted to know if he could come by and get the dog then. I called him back and told him that would be fine.
He showed up Thursday night looking very handsome. New clothes, new hat, new coat, new boots...the works. He is also growing his facial hair out into a goatee, which is new. He smelled good, too. He never weared cologne when we were together, but he was wearing it that night. I felt myself getting angry when he first entered my apartment and I said something like, "How nice that you can get new clothes while our son goes without!" He gave me a dirty look and we bantered back and forth about it a bit and he agreed to buy S4 some clothes. S4 has been wearing clothing that is too small and all torn up...he really only has one pair of jeans that are decent and he doesn't have a winter coat at all. I've asked my xH to help me buy clothing for him, but he's always given me an excuse. So, to see him come here in new clothing really pissed me off. After a moment, I calmed down and apologized for my attitude toward him and told him that I'd had a rough week. He said he understood and didn't seem bothered too much by it.
Earlier in the evening, S4 said something about my xH taking him to church. I didn't know anything about it and we're supposed to discuss religious choices for S4 together, so I was upset. Considering my xH is an atheist, I found it amusing that he would be going to church now...but when I confronted the issue, he said that he didn't take S4 to church and would never do something like that without talking to me first. And then he added, "Believe me, I still have absolutely no faith in God." I told him I didn't really care what his religious choices were, but that I had a right to know what religion my son was being exposed to. Thankfully, he agreed. We talked to S4 about the situation and we both asked him not to make up stories, since that's apparently what happened. I don't know why he would do such a thing, but it really concerns me because now I won't know if what S4 tells me is the truth or not. And since I can't trust my xH's word, either...it puts me into a sticky situation.
He said, "I need to go get the papers from my jeep," and I said, "Oh, so it IS your jeep now," and I laughed a little. He said, "No, it's not. I wish it was mine, but it's not. I have a piece of sh-t truck that isn't running, remember?" I said something about how it must be nice to be living the "high life," driving a new jeep, getting new clothes, and living in a new house, having all of his debts being taken care of by his new girlfriend. He looked down at the ground and said, "None of it is really mine," or something like that.
When he left to get the papers, I broke down crying. I tried to get myself together before he came inside, but I couldn't. He gave me my copy and I put it on the table without looking at it. I turned away from him and cried a little bit more. He said, "What's wrong?" I said, "You know what's wrong." He didn't say anything to that. He busied himself with S4 for a bit while I tried to get myself together. At one point, he asked if I would be okay. I said, "Eventually, yes." He just nodded.
I asked for the key to my apartment back. He hesitated and started to protest, but before I could say anything he changed his mind about protesting and gave me the key. I said, "You won't even let me INSIDE of your new house, so I don't think it's really appropriate for you to have a key to my apartment." He said, "That might change," and I didn't know what he meant so I asked for clarification. He said, "There might come a day when you don't want me in your apartment." I said, "I doubt it, actually. I have nothing to hide and I don't have the intense sense of privacy that you have." He didn't say anything.
He said goodbye to S4 and walked out. And I broke down and cried for a good hour or so, and have been having a really hard time ever since.
In addition to all of that, OW's xH called me this week again. We talked for about 30 minutes. He said he isn't allowed to talk to me. He said that my xH threatened him with physical harm if he talks to me again. Also, when OW's xH came to pick up the kids for visitation, my xH was standing outside monitoring the exchange and wouldn't let OW's xH even see or talk to OW. I guess my xH said, "This is how things will be done from now on. You'll be dealing with me." I can't imagine why OW is letting my xH control so much of her life, but then again...I let it happen for many years, myself. It's just surprising that she doesn't see the control issues coming to the surface already.
I heard more about what my xH has been telling OW, too...which wasn't much fun. Of course, I'm being blamed for everything. It's all my fault that things fell apart. According to OW, my xH is just "misunderstood" and he's been the victim of an abusive, controlling relationship which he couldn't get out of because he felt obligated to stay. Hello? He left me time and time again and ALWAYS CAME BACK. I never forced him to come back. He just did. And now it's my fault he couldn't get out of our relationship for 12.5 years? Gah, the BS just gets piled higher and higher.
My xH also told OW that I'm the reason for all of his failures -- financial, criminal, and drug-related. I'm the reason he smoked pot. I'm the reason he could never hold down a job. He's going to change his whole life for her and become this better man to prove that it was all ME that did it. He told her that he would do anything it took to prove that he would love her forever. It breaks my heart to hear such things.
I think what hurts the most right now is that my xH is trying to become a better man. He's trying to "clean up his life". I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering why I was never good enough for that. Why couldn't he ever try to be a better man for me and our kids? Why couldn't he ever clean up his life for me? What does she have that I don't have? Why am I not worth that?
I know you'll all tell me that this R with OW is doomed to failure, but I'm just not seeing it. My xH is a changed man, at least on the outside. He looks and acts totally different. I barely even know him anymore. And it hurts so bad to think that I'm the one who made him into the person he was during our R...that there was this great man inside the whole time just waiting to be released by the "right woman".
Is that even possible? Come on, give it to me straight...because I really need to know. Is it possible that he will change that much for her? Is it possible that I'm the reason that he couldn't do any of those things to better himself? Can love between two people motivate you to really change your character?
I am so broken today. I thought I was on the road to healing, but lately I feel like I'm right back where I started.
