I'm so sorry to hear of your unpleasant news and conversations. I discovered my W's PA through a journal in which she chronicled the events of the affair. It was a terrible thing to discover and the words written in her own hand cut through me like a knife.
Still, with a little time (hard to believe it's *already* been two months since she left...and hard to believe it's *only* been two months since she left) I've come to value the information I gained from that horrible revelation. I think you will find this to be the case as well (though it may take just a bit more time for you).
Like others have stated, your H's choice to abandon the marriage was *his* decision and not your fault. While I'm sure you shoulder some responsibility for the problems in the marriage (don't we all?), that's not the same as running away instead of facing the problems and dealing with them. You stayed...he didn't. You can take some comfort in that.
Likewise, getting more information helps you look at your WAS with more clarity and objectivity (I know it did for me). When the rose-colored glasses of love are finally off, you can make a clear and real evaluation of the other person. Once I did that, I realized that I don't want my WAW as she is now any more than she wants me the way I was.
I think you're beginning that process as well. That's good. It doesn't mean you don't want to fix things...but it does give you some freedom to begin moving on. And speaking of moving on, I hope you can redouble your efforts in that area. I know how hard it is, but the small victories are so sweet and they give you strength later when you look back on them.
Personally, I continue to walk the fine line between moving on and leaving the door open for reconciliation. It's a difficult thing to do, but it has been a worthy effort and the payoffs are still coming.
Hugs to you and may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
