Fair warning, this will be long and probably a bit disjointed.
So, I talked to OW's xH yesterday. We talked for about 2 hours and then he called me back later in the afternoon and we talked for another 30 minutes or so. I contacted him first.
Basically, I wanted to get some things straight about what happened. I wanted to hear his perspective and tell him mine. We shared stories and I was not very surprised to find that his W was having an A with my H as far back as August.
The details about her were interesting to me. She's older than me by two years (which makes her 9 years older than my H). She's on ADs and has a history of anxiety and depression. I guess she's fairly insecure and somewhat needy. The reason she left her H for my H was because he didn't spend enough time with her and express love to her enough. He was hard at work, keeping a business going...and meanwhile, she started an A with the first guy to give her that much-desired attention (my H). Her xH told me that he suspected an A a few times, but he kept telling himself, "That guy's a loser, she'd never go there." Ha.
She got a huge settlement, which she's already spent -- inside of a month. She bought a house that my xH is now going to "fix up" for her and she also bought my xH the jeep he was driving the other day. In addition, she cleared up some of his old debts and helped him get his license back. And then she went to her xH and asked for more money, because she needs food for the kids. The nerve! I told her xH that he should be careful about whatever he gives to her, because it will likely be spent on my xH.
Remember back in October, when my H was being all distant and grumpy with me after coming closer? He ignored me for more than a week and then sent me a few snarky text messages. Well, I found out that he was in Wisconsin with OW, visiting her family during that time. No wonder he didn't want to hear from me.
She went to his parents' house for Thanksgiving, too. So, they've met each other's families. Ugh.
OW's xH read me a love letter he found that my xH wrote to OW. It was painful to hear, but amusing in a way. It said something about how he couldn't bear to be away from her for even a minute, that he was more in love with her than he had ever been with anyone, that he would do anything to prove his love to her and would love her forever. It was pretty standard love letter fare, I suppose. In fact, it was a lot like the letters he wrote to me in the early months of our relationship. Still, it hurt to hear it.
OW's xH was surprised to find out that my xH has a criminal past, including domestic violence. He was shocked to hear about the drug use, too...and I think even more surprised to hear that my xH hasn't held a job for more than 8 months at a time throughout the entire time we were together. He said, "I guess she'll get all of that attention she wants so badly now, since he will be at home to dote on her." I laughed and told him it would be that way for a while, but that the affection and attention levels would decrease over time and she'd find herself wanting more attention than my xH would be willing to give. Sure, right now he's all about her -- but I'm sure that will wear off and he'll grow tired of reassuring her, giving her constant attention, etc.
Anyhow, I called my xH right away and talked to him about the whole thing. Of course, he blew up. He called me every name in the book and told me he hates me. He said that me calling OW's xH was the "worst, lowest thing a human could do". I laughed at that. He said that it proved I was a "meddler" and that I was just trying to ruin his life and keep him from being happy, which (in his mind) has always been my goal.
I told him that wasn't true, that I was calling for my own reasons...for closure, for my own need for information, etc. I said that I wanted him to know that I knew the truth now (or as much of it as I'm likely to ever know) and I feel better having heard her xH's side of the story. He didn't care about what I needed, he only saw his own turmoil.
We talked on and off all day, sometimes civil and sometimes not. He seemed to want to showcase his anger with me while OW was witnessing it. She was in the background later in the day, coaching him and telling me off through him. She said she didn't want to know me, that she didn't believe my lies, that I was just jealous, etc. She talked to her xH and heard about how I was sleeping with my H all through the separation and she doesn't believe it. She told her xH that I'm just trying to stir up trouble. Oh well, if she doesn't want to believe it, it's not really my problem. I've planted a little seed of doubt in her mind...whether she knows it or not...and someday, when she least expects it, my xH will show his true colors and she will remember the things I said.
Later in the evening, I called and left a voicemail for my xH, telling him that I was sorry for the way things played out. I didn't apologize for calling OW's xH, but I did say that I probably could have handled the resulting conversations better and more maturely. I said that I was sad that he found himself "hating" me now after this, but that I understood...and that I hoped someday, he'd understand why I did what I did. I wished them well and told him to pass on my apology to OW and to tell her that I wouldn't involve myself in their private lives any longer. I said that I just wanted us to all be civil with each other for S4's sake.
My xH called me back later and he was nice. He thanked me for the apology, though he didn't offer one of his own. He said that OW made him call (he let her listen to my message). We talked a little more about things and I told my xH that I was battling feelings of rejection, insecurity, and jealousy. I figured honesty was the best policy at that point. I told him that it was difficult for me to let go, but that I was going to do it. He said he just wants me to be happy and that he knows I will find someone who will treat me better than he did. That was the closest he came to admitting he had any responsibility for our relationship problems. All day long, he was saying things about how it was all my fault and how I was a difficult person to live with and that I deserved everything I got from him. I told him I knew I deserved better, but that I wasn't interested in a R with anyone...that I wanted to be alone for a while and get to know me again. I guess when I was saying that, I was sort of making a point to him that he didn't do that -- he jumped right into this R from our M...and she did the same. He told me just a few weeks ago that he wasn't going to get too serious with anyone, because he knew that he could not handle a commitment. Now he's moving in with her? I guess like so many have said...it will probably be the beginning of the end, so I'll just watch from the sidelines and enjoy the show when the time comes for it all to fall apart.
