love never fails

[kafira]

want2bmarried wrote: I wondered why you would be with a guy like that? You clearly deserve someone so much better.

Well, that's a good question and one I wish I could answer. I ask myself that constantly. The truth is that there are many things I do love about him that haven't been detailed here. Does the good outweigh the bad? Not really, and that's why I know that he is not "right" for me at this moment in time. But I see his potential, I have experienced what it is like to be loved by him, I have felt like we were right for each other...and those things, along with our children and our history together (and my commitment to him) make me feel connected to him in a way that transcends the issues we face.

want2bmarried wrote: Does the OW have any money? Is she helping him? Guys that are users and manipulators will gravitate towards that kind of woman to help them.

Yes, she has money. When last my xH and I spoke about it, he said that "no one was helping him," so I take that to mean she isn't helping him financially right now. However, it appears he's driving her vehicle, so she's helping a bit.

It's interesting that this comes up, because it's true that my xH gravitates toward this kind of woman (with the exception of me). Previous affairs were with women who had money...and yet, he ended those relationships of his own volition after a short period of time. Maybe this time is different (he says it is). I guess we'll see.

Santhony wrote: He needs someone to be agitated with still. That person is you.

Yes, I think that's probably true. I just wonder when the OW will start to receive his agitation.

If the R with the OW falls apart, unless you hear from someone else - you will probably be the last to know. He doesn't want to be wrong and certainly doesn't want you to be right.

Yea, I figured this would be the case. He's clearly showing me that things aren't going well in his life in a financial way, but there's been no indication of how things are with the OW.

[OldFool]

I'm glad to hear you made it through the holiday OK. It was better for me than I expected...but the next day I paid the price. I was kind of down anyway and then read a story that had a surprise (and very endearing/sad) ending that set me off. I was a mess for about an hour. But I'm OK now.

You're right about the qualities of the WAS that never get mentioned. Because of the circumstances, we're all in a bad place and all that's talked about are the bad things that are occurring with our spouse. Of course, this is a one-sided view...understandable, but one-sided.

Right now my WAW is self-absorbed, unyielding, illogical, cruel, unforgiving, dishonest, unfaithful, demanding, selfish, and deceitful. But this has not always been the case. Over the years she has done many wonderful things, been a good wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law, was known far and wide as kind, considerate, responsible, loving, caring, hard-working, capable, smart, logical, and honest and was my best friend.

In the overwhelming pain and hurt, it is easy to lose sight of these traits once posessed by the ones we still love in spite of themselves. Yet it is why we are all here...the potential, the hope, the promise of having that again. The reality is that for many of us, it is not recoverable, yet it is a testament to the strength of true love that we remain in spite of the odds.

With regard to the R with the OW, I think it's still too soon. In fact, the failures in other aspects of your WAH's life are likely to drive him to her even more as he searches for the support he used to get from you. So in the short term, I don't think this will get better...at least from your perspective. If there is a silver lining, it is that such stresses also tend to bring out the "ugly" in people over time and that will ultimately put more stress on the new R.

[kafira]

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I just found out that my xH is now living with OW. I'll get to that in a minute.

My xH called me last night and told me that S4 was wanting to come home. He said, "He's being really difficult, I can't deal with this," and I told him I was sorry but that I was away from home and couldn't take S4 back. He got irritated and started to hang up. I reminded him that this is the situation HE wanted (divorce) and that he needed to be a single parent when he had S4, just like I had to be a single parent the rest of the time. He put S4 on the phone and we talked a bit. He was really upset and wanted to come home. I told him he needed to stay with his dad and that he would see me in the morning. He calmed down a little, but not much. My xH got back on the phone and said, "Just forget it, I'll take care of it," in a really snotty tone. I told him to call if S4 wanted to talk to me again and he said, "Whatever," or something like that and hung up.

I felt really guilty about my response, but I think I did the right thing. I just feel bad for S4.

Anyhow, so this morning I wake up and see that my xH called early and left a message: "S4 has an earache and wants to come home. I gave him Motrin and he feels better now, but he's still really irritable and wants to be with you, so I'm packing his bags and I want to bring him home soon. Call me when you wake up."

He called back an hour later and didn't leave a message. I waited a while and called him. I asked how S4 was and he said he was better, but still being cranky. I told him that I thought he should go ahead and keep him for the rest of the day and bring him home as planned (later in the afternoon/evening). He got mad and said something about how S4 misses me and he wants to come home. He was trying to make me feel guilty and it worked. I decided to agree because S4 has an earache and if he's not feeling well I know he'd rather be at home. So, I told my xH to bring him home in an hour or so.

He pulled up in his truck. I went out to get S4 and noticed his truck was working. He said "the elves" fixed it. I just laughed a little and nodded. I'm sure OW had it repaired. He came inside the apartment and sat down to tell me about S4's ear problem. We also discussed Christmas visitation. Then he said something about how he was irritated that I don't ever answer his calls and I said that if he needs something specific, he should leave a message and I will call him back. He rolled his eyes and just said, "Whatever."

After he left, S4 immediately said, "Daddy said I'm not supposed to talk about OW anymore," and I said, "Oh really?" I asked if my xH was mean to him (because I know that he can be pissy when S4 is being a terror) and he said, "Yes," and I asked if OW was around when that was happening and he said, "Yes," and then added, "Daddy lives with OW now. SS14 has his own room." He told me a few other details, but I changed the subject because it was too upsetting.

I thought about it a bit and then called my xH. I asked him if he was living with Joe. He said, "I'm not living anywhere. I'm homeless. I've just been bouncing around from friend to friend." I said, "David says you're living with OW now," and he said, "I'm not living with her; I'm just staying there temporarily. I can't afford my own place anymore." He said that he just keeps his stuff there at OW's place because he has nowhere else to put it. I said that it wasn't any of my business where he lives, but that I have a right to know where S4 is staying when he visits. I said, "You need to give me an address where you and S4 will be staying next visitation or I won't let you take him." He got a little irritated about it, but agreed and said, "I don't even know where I'll be in two weeks," or something like that. I just reiterated what I said and he said, "Fine!" and hung up on me.

I am feeling so hurt that he's already moved in with her. I can't believe it. We haven't even been divorced a week and he's already moving in with her? Is it that serious? Is it that special? I just feel sick to my stomach.

[lovingme]

Ahh Liz ~ That is tough. I know how you feel on so many different aspects of what you just posted. As for you xh living with ow it may be a positive thing for you in the end. They will be around each other more and driving each other nuts with all their little nusiances. (Is that spelled correctly?) Anyways it will show him even more that the grass isn't always greener. In fact it may turn out the grass is dead over there

My h and I aren't even divorced nor have we filed and he has been living with his ow for about 8 months now. Pretty sick.

As for him calling you when he had s4 I totally agree with you. This is what he wanted he needs to be prepared to deal with s4 whe he is cranky or sick. That is part of parenting regardless and he can't fall back on you anymore. It is so tough when the kids say they want to come home. I have dealt with that with my boys and I went to get them. I don't think I should have.

{{{HUGS}}}

[Sherman333]

I just found out that my xH is now living with OW.
...
I am feeling so hurt that he's already moved in with her. I can't believe it. We haven't even been divorced a week and he's already moving in with her? Is it that serious? Is it that special? I just feel sick to my stomach

Ah Liz, I know how much this must hurt. ((((Lizemba)))). I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you lived closer - We'd get you out with everyone.

The more time they spend with one another the faster things progress for them. So there might be some benefits yet out of this development.

I told him I was sorry but that I was away from home and couldn't take S4 back. He got irritated and started to hang up. I reminded him that this is the situation HE wanted (divorce) and that he needed to be a single parent when he had S4, just like I had to be a single parent the rest of the time.

Way to go. You did awesome on this. This is the situation your exH created, so he needs to deal with it and not just when it's convinient for him.

I felt really guilty about my response, but I think I did the right thing. I just feel bad for S4.

I think all you can do is just make sure S4 knows how much you love him and that none of this is his fault. From there its your exH's responsibility to do the same. If the ex chooses not to, then its out of your hands.

I said that it wasn't any of my business where he lives, but that I have a right to know where S4 is staying when he visits. I said, "You need to give me an address where you and S4 will be staying next visitation or I won't let you take him."

This is really good too. You let the ex know what's expected of him. That's he's still going to have responsibilities regardless of what he is doing.

I think you're doing really well in spite of the situation.

I know it's hard to deal with, but it does get better. I promise.

[Santhony]

Good Evening Liz,

I for one - think you did very well - magnificent even. You set the boundaries for your H. You reminded him of the reality that this is D and that he needs time with his S. You held your own and you appeared to do it with style and a sense of calmness about you. You did well.

Regarding S and his location. You have every right to know where your S is staying and with who. Again- you did well to establish this boundary.

Regarind H living with OW. I tend to agree with Sherman on this one. I think my own sitch would move faster - and I mean W would start having problems with OM - if she jumped right in. The only reason she isn't is because she thinks she is not doing anything wrong right now and doesn't want anyone to know about OM - she is embarrassed (I would be embarrassed to be with this OM too ). She wants her family to think that she didn't start anything with him until after our D was final. So for you, the fact that your D is final and a week later moves in - reality will smack him upside the head like a giant rock! Believe it. It is going to happen. It is just a matter of when.

Continue to detach from it as much as you can. You have to take care of your S and you are doing a great job of this. Your S is lucky to have a mom like you in his life. One that cares so much for him - someday he will thank you so much for what you did for him now.

((((((((((Lizemba)))))))))

Hang in there. I think you did well!!!

God Bless,

Santhony

[BluePoet]

I am feeling so hurt that he's already moved in with her.

Oh goodness - it's not that she is special. Remember these MLC'ers are hooked on the endorphins they are getting from the OPs. And in his case, she's sort of bought him out as well. I'd say it's doomed - he's going to start getting tired of being supported by a woman and feeling like he can't pull his own weight eventually.

You're lucky in a way. My H's OW is now "friends" with him while trying to work on her other relationship, plus she has no job. Which means he gets to feel sorry for her, but not seeing her enough to wear out the relationship. All this means is that his getting over it will take longer. To be honest, it wouldn't bother me if she became homeless and moved into the apartment he is sharing with another guy. heh I think he would get tired of all that pretty quick. But no, she's staying with her boyfriend and not my H. Shucks.

So consider yourself lucky - he just might get over her quicker the way things are.

BluePoet

[kafira]

Thanks, everyone.

What you are all saying is what everyone has said to me today -- that this is a blessing in disguise, that this will speed up the process of him realizing the grass isn't greener (or her seeing his true colors), etc. And intellectually, I can see the sense behind that. It's just that I see that my xH is so deeply entrenched in this R with her now that I can't imagine him getting out of it anytime soon -- and even if he does, I can't imagine him wanting to work things out with me. It seems to me that he's closed the door on any possibility of us. And while I do not want him as he currently is, I would welcome the opportunity for us to build a new, better R someday...and because I still have so much love for him, it's hard to imagine myself with anyone else.

I've dipped my toes in the dating world a little and I'm just not ready, I've realized. I am far too injured to be putting myself out there. So, when it comes to GAL, I guess I'm going to stick to platonic friendships, solo ventures, and things with the kids. I must admit, I'm having a really hard time doing any sort of GAL stuff. I may sound strong to so many of you, but in reality I'm really depressed. I find that I can barely eat, sleep, and that I cry quite a bit still. I just keep wondering when the pain will stop. I get brief moments of relief and then it all hits me again.

I am really lonely, that's the tough part. I'm lonely for companionship, but I am still so hurt and raw from the things my xH did to me that I can't imagine being ready to find a companion anytime soon. So, it seems like such a vicious circle to me...and it makes me feel hopeless.

[Santhony]

Hey Liz,

Your post had tears welling up in my eyes...

(((((((((((Lizemba)))))))))

I'll pray for you tonight. Sweet dreams...

God Bless,

Santhony

[forever21]

Hi my friend,

Liz, you were my main support when I joined this BB. You will forever hold that place with me. I am so sorry things are feeling bad for you. You are such a strong gal. Wish we lived close. You are very fortunate to have the wonderful support you do here, you have received such great advice and feedback.

I understand not wanting to quit, and your love for your xH. Knowing that the bad outweighs the good right now, but still holding out hope. I know this all too well. I've found alot of help in the book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. It's one I've had for years, but have had a hard time facing full force (no pun intended, lol).

You have handled everything so perfectly. I understand finding it hard to GAL. I realize that I am somewhat avoiding putting myself out there too. Especially when I've had a strong PMA. It seems to give me a good excuse not to, or something. Sometimes, I think I must still hope to be "rescued" by someone in a way, and that is really tough to admit. At the same time, I don't want that, as I know how strong and independent I am. So, maybe we've been the rescuers.

Anything you've dreamed about? How would you like your life to be? What would you be doing? Would you have a man in your life? If so, what would he be like? Let us know what Liz's life is really like right now. What are your goals for the next 2-3 weeks?

Hugs liz f21