Hey Liz. I haven't heard from you and finally found your new post. I am sorry your D is final soon. Maybe it will put an end to all of the heartache or at least some of it and you can go on. I live in hope until that is final (not till March or April) but almost think it would be easier to get it overwith.
Any fun plans for Thanksgiving? It will be a hard day for alot of us on this board. I know I am not really looking forward to it, but am going to make it thru somehow and so will you.
Take care
Me: 41
WAH: 32
Married 11 months
5 kids between us
WAH left: 7/1/06
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB40&Number=1279331&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
WAH filed: 8/31/06
Quote: Quote: iluv2teach wrote: If H just left you a message saying he missed all of you. I don't think that the R is as good as you are imagining.
I am sorry, I read so many posts I must have gotten you mixed up with someone else. As for the crap he says about his OW. It is just new R crap. He probably said the same about you when your R was new.
Quote: I know you're right. When I look back, it wasn't great. There were lots of issues. But I still love him, and I felt like things were improving over the last 5 years. I guess I was wrong.
Anyhow, I do sometimes grab onto the fact that I know he's not this "great catch," but then again...he's already got someone and I certainly don't. And she left her H to be with him. She left a guy with a stable job and a good income to be with my xH, someone who hasn't held a steady job EVER and could never really provide for us. I just don't get it. I know why I love and want him, but what does she see? I guess I may never know.
What hurts a lot is this feeling that he's giving her everything that I wanted him to give to me -- loyalty, commitment, compassion, etc. He's said he is going to be a better man because of her and that just makes me feel like crap. Why couldn't he be a better man for m
It sounds like H is a bit of a bad boy and many of us have gotten involved in R that we know wouldn't lead to anything substantial. It sounds like OW is going through a bit of a crisis herself. When she awakes from her fog, she is going to have given up a truly good man for one that she will never be able to trust and she doesn't have the history or a child with him. Hold onto that and when the wonderful loving man comes by that will hold you in the high esteem that you deserve. He will be living in the shambles of his life he deserves. It is Karma. People who hurt people cannot go one forever and not get some of it in return.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Quote: I do sometimes grab onto the fact that I know he's not this "great catch," but then again...he's already got someone and I certainly don't. And she left her H to be with him. She left a guy with a stable job and a good income to be with my xH, someone who hasn't held a steady job EVER and could never really provide for us. I just don't get it. I know why I love and want him, but what does she see?
I know this is hard to see right now, but they are in the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship. Everything seems great and she's probably being overly nice to the kids to be on his good side.
What does she see in your husband? This is a woman with PROBLEMS and she's trying to fix them with your husband. They are probably building each others egos right now and it's making them feel really special. It will be interesting to see just how long that lasts. I have doubts that your husband will miraculously change into a different person overnight with this woman. I think over time his negative qualities will creep in.
Even though your husband "has someone" and you don't that doesn't detract one but from you being worthwhile. You are soooo much more worthwhile!!!!! Heck, he has a woman who has left at least one husband, give her time and she will probably leave the next one too.
You don't "have someone" right now--- and may not for awhile-- because you're going to find the "right" guy (also YOU don't have affairs while you're married!!!). Someone with quality (good morals, steady job, great parent or parent potential, attractive, etc...).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: iluv2teach wrote: It sounds like H is a bit of a bad boy
Yes, he is...and maybe that's what attracted the OW to him initially. It is what attracted me in the beginning, too. However, that same "bad boy" image is what kept him running around with other women, being dishonest, not keeping a steady income, etc. He claims that this OW brings out the "good man" in him, that he feels inspired to change and become faithful, compassionate, honest, etc. I know it's possible for my xH to change, but I don't think it's possible for him to change FOR someone else -- at least not permanently.
Quote: iluv2teach wrote: It is Karma. People who hurt people cannot go one forever and not get some of it in return.
I hope so. This is what I can't get out of my head throughout the day...this sense of things just being so damn unfair (and not just for me, but for the OW's xH, for all of the children involved). That these two people are willing to wreck so many other lives just to be together...and are not suffering the consequences of that action makes me angry. But I know that I am not in charge of karma in this world, so I guess I must just be patient. I know that they will reap what they have sown.
Quote: running wrote: I know this is hard to see right now, but they are in the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship. Everything seems great and she's probably being overly nice to the kids to be on his good side.
I know you're right. I am sure the intrigue will wear off eventually. I hope it's sooner rather than later.
I had a fairly nice Thanksgiving, though I had some rough points. My xH never called, not even to talk to S4. I left him a voicemail in the late evening, asking him (again) what time he would be coming by to get S4. He called back this morning and I didn't answer. He left a message, giving me a vague idea of when he would be over and then added, "If we could just talk directly to each other, this would be much easier. But whatever, bye." He was clearly irritated. So, I waited a while and called him back directly. He answered the phone and seemed surprised that I called. I immediately told him that he had a small window of opportunity to pick up S4 and he needed to make sure he was here during that time. He was a little irritable about it, but I stood my ground. He said something about how I was always flexible before and I said that I can't always be flexible and reminded him that I had asked him as early as Sunday what time he would be coming by and he didn't get back to me until Friday (the day he picks S4 up). He gave in reluctantly and agreed to be here between 4 and 5.
We talked about storage stuff and out of the blue he says, "My truck is dead. I have no vehicle...and I can't afford to fix it." I asked how he was getting over here to pick up S4 and he said he was borrowing a friend's truck. I said, "Okay," and changed the subject right as he was starting to go on about it some more. Honestly, I don't see why I should have to listen to him complain about his truck being dead, or his financial problems. He doesn't listen to any of MY problems, that's for sure.
When he arrived, he came inside the house and asked me how I was. I told him I was good and didn't ask how he was. He engaged me in conversation about UFC and we talked about the Hughes-St. Pierre fight and shared a few laughs. It was nice and it made me feel good that we could have a brief moment of friendliness. As we were talking, he noticed some flowers a friend sent to me a few days ago...but he didn't say anything. He looked at them, then looked down and away.
I helped him get S4 out to the jeep he was borrowing, which I am assuming is OW's. There were no license plates on it, so either he took them off because he thought I might try to figure out who she is that way (yes, I probably would) or whoever owns the vehicle doesn't have it registered. My xH doesn't have a license, so that's quite a risk that this "friend" is taking, no matter how you look at it.
He didn't hug me at all, but I did keep myself sort of far away from him most of the time...and I crossed my arms across my chest. So, I guess I wasn't very "welcoming" with my body language. Still, I guess I was hoping he would initiate a hug.
As he was getting ready to leave, he pulled up his shirt and pointed to his cell phone and said, "I'm back to normal now," or something like that. I looked closer and realized he's using his old cell phone. He looked bummed as he told me that he had to sell the old cell phone (a PocketPC) because he needed the money. I remember when he got the PocketPC, he was so jazzed about it...like it was some sort of status symbol or something. He bragged to friends and family. That was during the time when he was really trying to get his "business" off the ground (which never happened). So, now that's four things that have not worked out as planned for him: his attempt to run his own business failed, he has to move back into Joe's soon so his attempt to live on his own failed...and he lost his fancy cell phone and his truck took a dump.
I guess karma does work, but I'd sure like to see his R with the OW start to fall apart soon. It seems like the universe is telling him something. Is he listening? Somehow, I doubt it.
Liz as I was reading your post and listening to all the clear signals that WAH does not have his life together and sounds like he never did, I wondered why you would be with a guy like that? You clearly deserve someone so much better. Then I chuckled to myself. My WAH is the same way. He is debt up to his eyeballs, has a job that is going nowhere and he is a rx drug addict. And most of the time he is cruel and mean. Why do I want him? I actually got asked out on a date with someone who is successful (that doesn't matter too much), nice, sweet, and that would treat a lady great. No substance or anger issues. I told him I wasn't ready. My friends are about to shoot me. Here I am waiting in hopes of a man that can barely tie his shoes lately.
Does the OW have any money? Is she helping him? Guys that are users and manipulators will gravitate towards that kind of woman to help them. They may not want to, but surviving is more important that thier M at this point.
I haevn't seen your posts for awhile and hoped you were ok. I have been yoyoing again and its doesn't feel good. But I made the choice, and I have to own it.
Me: 41
WAH: 32
Married 11 months
5 kids between us
WAH left: 7/1/06
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB40&Number=1279331&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
WAH filed: 8/31/06
I'm glad your holiday was nice. It seems that we can manage to get through them and have a good time despite the speed bumps we hit (like your H's inability to answer phone and/or arrange to pick up your S).
His comments about the phone and getting agitated....I think it all has to do with the things you mention below about things that haven't gone right with him. He needs someone to be agitated with still. That person is you. My sister's XH I found out on Thanksgiving has spewed on her recently. Their D was final in June and she got spewed on last week because Sis changed the house locks (wanted to change from brass door handles to silver - convenient to do it then) and informed XH that she wasn't giving him a key. But he blew a nut over all sorts of stuff that had nothing to do with the key. It happens and continues to show that your STBX still has feelings for you.
Quote: So, now that's four things that have not worked out as planned for him: his attempt to run his own business failed, he has to move back into Joe's soon so his attempt to live on his own failed...and he lost his fancy cell phone and his truck took a dump.
I guess karma does work, but I'd sure like to see his R with the OW start to fall apart soon. It seems like the universe is telling him something. Is he listening? Somehow, I doubt it.
These 4 things I am sure he has taken notice of. Whether he "gets it" or not or figures out the direction his life is headed, only time will tell. If the R with the OW falls apart, unless you hear from someone else - you will probably be the last to know. He doesn't want to be wrong and certainly doesn't want you to be right. At some point, perhaps OW will become target for blame of the things that didn't go right in his life. You said before that he was "pressured" by OW to get the D. It will happen sooner or later...
Oh, and you listed 4 things that have happened badly in his life. There are really 5. He has lost a very special person - an awesome wife, mother, and friend in you. That affects him as well big time - he just won't admit it. His look at those flowers and look away probably reminded him of the beautiful flower - you - that he has walked away from.
God bless...