I haven't heard from my xH since he left that last message. I guess that's par for the course. He feels I'm punishing him, so he'll punish me back by withdrawing more. It's all such a game.
I think the D was finalized today, but I don't know for sure. I am going to call the courthouse tomorrow and find out.
I found out that my landlady is the OW's very good (best?) friend. She has known her a long time. She said that OW is in love with my xH and that she left her H to be with him because he has qualities her H doesn't have. I guess I already sort of knew that to be true, but it goes against what my xH has been saying. He said that she left her H for reasons that had nothing to do with him and that romantic stuff came later.
I guess it just hurts to know that she's as much in love with my xH as he claims to be about her. And to know that she destroyed her M to be with my xH just makes me sick. So much damage done.
So many people say that it's "obvious" this R with the OW won't work out...but if they're both so into each other and were willing to break up families to be together, then maybe it is true love? I don't know. I'm having a hard time with it tonight. Knowing they have something special...and it's what I wanted from him...I guess I feel so rejected.
Try not to feel so bad (I know that's easier said than done and you probably get tired of hearing that!!!), but overall it really wasn't the greatest marriage. He had affairs and left in the past. I just don't think you're losing anything that special. If he comes back a changed man that's one thing, but at this point he's really not worth someone special like you.
Hang in there buddy! You're going to make it.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: found out that my landlady is the OW's very good (best?) friend.
One thing you have to remember is that your landlady is OW's friend. She is going to try to present her friend in the best light possible. Although, I can't see how breaking up two marriages can be presented in any kind of good light.
If H just left you a message saying he missed all of you. I don't think that the R is as good as you are imagining. Even if your divorce is final that doesn't mean there is no hope. Yes, you will have to live your life as if it is over. But that doesn't mean you can't work on your R if the opportunity arises. I do know of couples that have reconciled and remarried.
What bothers me the most is that even in my small community and areas near here there seems to be an epidemic of divorces between couples that have been married a long time. What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
I really miss my H during the holdays. Last year, he was not living with us but he had Thanksgiving dinner with us and spent Christmas with us, too.
This year our D will go to trial on the 19th of December. H will not be having dinner with us on Thanksgiving and since the D will probably be final by Christmas, I don't think he will be here for Christmas either.
Just take care of yourself as much as possible and know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us on this site.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
My heart is heavy for you. Funny...or perhaps I should say odd...how we all grow up and think of ourselves as adults and yet we can so easily feel just like we are back on that old school playgound being the last one picked. Rejection just hurts no matter who you are or how strong you may think you are.
However, that having been said, as you so correctly pointed out in an earlier post, when people are involved in an affair they are rarely thinking clearly. The fact the OW thinks she is "in love" doesn't really change the sitch, does it? Didn't you already figure both had succumbed to the "endless honeymoon" that is an affair? I doubt you'll see progress until both have been together long enough that this wears off and the expectations of an R start to kick in.
I have to agree with runningoutoftime that "If he comes back a changed man that's one thing, but at this point he's really not worth someone special like you." I've had to come to this point as well. I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to work to improve myself. If my WAW chooses to do so as well, then perhaps there is a future for us. If not, I do not want her back the way she is with all that baggage (just as she wouldn't want me back with mine).
I also agree with ilove2teach with regard to your landlady. She is a friend of the OW so that slants what she tells you. But even more important, she is only getting the version of things the OW chooses to tell her. Things may be different either because the OW doesn't know they are or because she cannot bring herself to tell anyone that things aren't so great after having nuked her own M.
Lately, I've been trying to keep this old proverb in my head: "If you love it let it go. If it returns to you cherish it, if not it was never truly yours." It doesn't make everything better, but at least for me, it makes dealing with my impending D a little easier.
Quote: iluv2teach wrote: If H just left you a message saying he missed all of you. I don't think that the R is as good as you are imagining.
He didn't leave a message saying that. Boy, don't I wish! He hasn't said he misses anyone but S4 in 6 months.
Quote: running wrote: Try not to feel so bad (I know that's easier said than done and you probably get tired of hearing that!!!), but overall it really wasn't the greatest marriage. He had affairs and left in the past. I just don't think you're losing anything that special. If he comes back a changed man that's one thing, but at this point he's really not worth someone special like you.
I know you're right. When I look back, it wasn't great. There were lots of issues. But I still love him, and I felt like things were improving over the last 5 years. I guess I was wrong.
Anyhow, I do sometimes grab onto the fact that I know he's not this "great catch," but then again...he's already got someone and I certainly don't. And she left her H to be with him. She left a guy with a stable job and a good income to be with my xH, someone who hasn't held a steady job EVER and could never really provide for us. I just don't get it. I know why I love and want him, but what does she see? I guess I may never know.
What hurts a lot is this feeling that he's giving her everything that I wanted him to give to me -- loyalty, commitment, compassion, etc. He's said he is going to be a better man because of her and that just makes me feel like crap. Why couldn't he be a better man for me?
Quote: OldFool wrote: The fact the OW thinks she is "in love" doesn't really change the sitch, does it? Didn't you already figure both had succumbed to the "endless honeymoon" that is an affair?
I guess you're right. It doesn't change anything. But hearing it from the landlady just made me feel worse for some reason -- like it made it all seem more "real".
Quote: OldFool wrote: I doubt you'll see progress until both have been together long enough that this wears off and the expectations of an R start to kick in.
Yea, I know. They need to have a full-fledged R before reality can sink in for my xH. I just fear it will take a long, long time.
Quote: I think the D was finalized today, but I don't know for sure. I am going to call the courthouse tomorrow and find out.
I didn't go down to the court either. I saw it as an emotional event I didn't need to experience. MI makes the plaintiff say a script that isn't nice to hear. Reading the verbage in the paperwork was enough.
Everyone else has already touched on most of what I'd say.
But I'm a little philosophical today, so...
Quote: What hurts a lot is this feeling that he's giving her everything that I wanted him to give to me -- loyalty, commitment, compassion, etc. He's said he is going to be a better man because of her and that just makes me feel like crap.
Well you're not alone in this. But unless your H does the work on himself, it won't last. Promise.
The best analogy is that if you are walking a mile and holding your breath, sooner or later you have to take a breath. Your H and the OW will have to let their masks down sooner or later.
Quote: But hearing it from the landlady just made me feel worse for some reason -- like it made it all seem more "real".
Yes... I know and I'm sorry it's hitting you like this. I will tell you that there will be more "events" that bring it up. This grief process is a cyclical, so don't avoid the feelings, but let them come. This way you won't have to deal with them later (which is a very good thing).
Quote: Anyhow, I do sometimes grab onto the fact that I know he's not this "great catch," but then again...he's already got someone and I certainly don't.
But you have something much better!!! You have all of us!!!
All of us here on the boards have had glimpse into the person you are and Liz you are a good person and it's your husband's issue that he doesn't want to work on things with you. Personally I think he's missing out on a wonderful woman and a great opportunity at happiness. He's blind to what he has in front of him.
Quote: He had affairs and left in the past. I just don't think you're losing anything that special. If he comes back a changed man that's one thing, but at this point he's really not worth someone special like you...
I know you're right. When I look back, it wasn't great. There were lots of issues.
In a sense, he's done you a favor. He's saving you from having to continue to endure things as they were. Your eyes are opened to what a solid relationship should be. That true love is a choice and something given on PURPOSE. NOT a feeling.
Again, I'm sorry you're hurting.
((((((Lizemba))))))
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Quote: What bothers me the most is that even in my small community and areas near here there seems to be an epidemic of divorces between couples that have been married a long time. What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
OMG, this is SOooo true.. I can count at least at least 3 or 4 marriages of 20 years + that blew up among my coworkers... A (well known) neighbor of mine had her (THIRD) marriage of 20 years blow up a few years back... It was his third also... He's married again now to the OW, younger,(mid 40's) thinner, blonder, taller.... Classmate of S12's parents split about 3 years ago, WAW, in fact 6 months before the bomb we even saw her and commented on all the divorces..! Lady I know will have her div. final this month, last month would have been 20 years. But in her case it was multiple affairs (his), controlling behavior, and drinking. There are a few more I can think of... sucks.
I am so sad right now b/c XW chose to not work out issues; issues that SHE repressed/ignored for years. And now wants to blame me for.
Hey Liz... I put in a req. to be on your MS friends... Cute pic!
Hang in there. H/OW will blow up eventually. And if it doesn't, trust me, you wouldn't want him back! Just remember that when it's hurtful we all say not to believe everything the WAS says... but when it's what we want to hear we're too quick to jump on the bandwagon. Don't let him suck you in w/ something he says that is no more than a throwaway line.
I lost count of how many times XW said "who knows what the future will bring" and "we can always date/get married again"
Quote: I think the D was finalized today, but I don't know for sure. I am going to call the courthouse tomorrow and find out.
Sucks huh? hang in there..
It's been 6 months since my D was final... I still get bummed out. Meanwhile XW is in yet another R; moved into the basement apt of the newest BF; she met him in July! Still not addressing her crap.
Quote: Sherman wrote: Well you're not alone in this. But unless your H does the work on himself, it won't last. Promise. Your H and the OW will have to let their masks down sooner or later.
I know this in my brain, but my heart can't seem to let it really sink in.
Quote: Sherman wrote: I will tell you that there will be more "events" that bring it up. This grief process is a cyclical, so don't avoid the feelings, but let them come. This way you won't have to deal with them later (which is a very good thing).
Yea, I know more stuff is bound to happen that will upset me. I dread hearing that they are moving in together, getting married, stuff like that. Even just hearing from my S4 that he really likes OW is painful for me.
I do tend to feel things pretty strongly -- and right at the moment that something happens. So, no worries about me not dealing with my emotions! That's one of the things my xH hated about me. He said that I was "too emotional" and that I couldn't keep things in check. He said that I let my emotions run my life, that I used them as weapons. Of course, that was never my intention. I do look back and see that my emotional state often influenced bad decisions and reactions, but I never purposefully used my emotions to hurt him or make him feel bad. If he did something to hurt me and I cried about it, that was seen as manipulation. He could never see that my emotions were a normal reaction to being hurt. His mom is very unemotional, detached...not warm at all. His father is mostly just angry or judgmental. So, I'm positive that my xH's attitude about emotion comes from his parents and I wonder if that's something he can ever change.
Quote: Your eyes are opened to what a solid relationship should be. That true love is a choice and something given on PURPOSE. NOT a feeling.
Yea, now if only my xH could realize that. He's in search of that "warm, fuzzy feeling" that we all get when we first fall in love with someone. This is why he's always been unfaithful -- he could never just be happy with our R, he always wanted to find something better. I guess he thinks he finally found it.
He's never been in a long-term R with anyone other than me. He was involved with SS14's mom for a couple of years, but they did not live together and they were very young (in high school). During the 12.5 years we were together, he had a few affairs and even lived with one OW for about 3 weeks (before coming crawling back to me), but he's never been THIS SERIOUS about an OW ever. I guess that's why I'm thinking this might be the "real deal" for him. Only time will tell, I suppose.
Quote: Sherman wrote: Why don't you consider joining the DB group in Vegas for Dec 15, 16, & 17th?
I really can't afford something like that, plus I have a prior commitment I have to honor on the 16th. But I hope you guys have fun!
Quote: DavidM wrote: I lost count of how many times XW said "who knows what the future will bring" and "we can always date/get married again"
My xH hasn't said anything of the sort. The closest he came to something like that was when I asked him what he would do if his feelings for me returned and he replied, "...then divorce papers won't make a difference."
Quote: DavidM wrote: It's been 6 months since my D was final... I still get bummed out. Meanwhile XW is in yet another R; moved into the basement apt of the newest BF; she met him in July! Still not addressing her crap.
Sorry to hear of your D. It sounds like your xW is going through some real drama! Already in another R? Wow. See, if that was happening to my xH, I think I might be able to sit back with amusement. But right now, my fears and insecurities kick in and I obsess about him being with this OW forever, giving her the love he never really could give to me.
