love never fails

[kafira]

Thanks for sharing your story with me, OldFool (not sure that's an appropriate name for you; you sound wise to me!).

Some people just go through life blissfully ignorant of the impact they have on others.

I think it's actually quite rare for people to remain that ignorant. I think what is more likely is that many people cannot come to terms with the damage they have done, so they never really express any regret outwardly. Inwardly, I do believe that most WAS experience regret. My xH is the type of person who does not experience regret outwardly most of the time. He's a very proud person. But he's humbled himself before to me (he's come back after separation), so I use him as an example to others that even the proudest of people will sometimes surprise you by showing humility.

In my personal sitch, I never had the chance to adjust to a separation as you did. My WAW and I were separated for only three weeks before she filed for D. So I almost went straight from "what's going on?!?" to "it's over" with barely enough time to breathe.

Wow, that's rough. I had almost 6 months of separation before the final bomb was dropped -- and for about 4 months of that, my xH was "on the fence" about us. So, yes, I did have some time to adjust and that did make it easier. I can't imagine how hard it is to find yourself in the D process so soon.

The only good news is that in Oregon, you have to wait 90 days before a divorce can be final. Perhaps this "cooling off" period will give her time to consider slowing things down a bit. Sadly, you don't have that advantage (not that it'll do me any good).

Well, think positive. You never know what might happen.

No, I don't have that advantage. My last hope is that the paperwork is rejected (it's a possibility; there was something filled out improperly -- long story -- and I think it could make the judge reluctant to sign). Even then, I don't think that will save my marriage. My xH is hellbent on being with this OW and there's not much I can do to stop it. It has to run its course.

The good thing is that if we're not talking, she can't hurt me any more or try to bait me into rash statements or an argument.

This is exactly why I avoid talking to my xH now. I just can't take another argument like the ones we've had in the last few weeks. And he knows just what to say to make me feel like sh-t, so I'm not interested in exposing myself any longer. Also, I've decided I don't want him to know anything about my feelings anymore. For years, I have been an open book to him. I have shown him unconditional love without fail. Although I still love him that way, I will no longer express it.

Interestingly, it seems many folk become jealous and unhappy when the WAS tries to turn the PA into an R. For me, the damage was already done with the PA. Moving to an R is a positive, at least from my perspective, because it leads right back to all the problems that my WAW never addressed in our R.

I know exactly what you mean here. I feel the same way. Although it hurts to think of my xH in a R with the OW, I know that it's the only way he will ever see that the grass IS NOT greener over there. Relationships take work...and he's taking a lot of baggage into that R with her that he isn't even thinking about right now. In addition, she's got her own issues, as she just left a marriage and broke up a family. Clearly, it isn't going to be paradise over there...but until it moves out of the purely physical (crush stage, basically) and into a full-fledged R, my H won't see the reality.

Perhaps you can use this thought to help you through the coming months as you wait, like me, for your WAS to find the grass tastes just the same "over there".

I remind myself every day that there is no such thing as a perfect R, that my xH is experiencing a lot of "new relationship energy" right now and it WILL wear off. The only reason my xH and I lasted as long as we did was primarily because of MY dedication to the R, not his. He was constantly cheating, lying, leaving...and I was always trying to keep our R together. Unless he's lucked out and found another woman just like me, I doubt seriously it will last beyond 6 months.

The saddest thing to me is that my xH (and apparently, your W) are not able to see the benefits of truly working on themselves. If you want to leave a R because you feel it isn't working, fine. Leave and work on making yourself better for the next R to come along. But to leave to throw yourself into yet another R that will probably NOT work (because you haven't even dealt with your issues!) is so pathetic. Nothing gets solved that way. And in my situation, two families have been ripped apart -- five children and two LBS have broken hearts so that two very selfish people can find "true love" together.

Anyhow, thanks for posting. I hope you continue to find inner peace and strength through your D process. I know it's tough to see it at times (I know, because I lose sight of it, too)...but it will all work out in the end.