My name is Liz and I'm new to this section of the board. I've been over in Separated (and a little bit in MLC) for the last few months. At the bottom of this post will be a list of all of my threads, in case you ever want to go back and look at what I went through.
Basics: I"m 39, my xH is 32. We have three kids (SS14, D13, S4). My daughter is not his biologically but he raised her since she was an infant. We had been together 12 years, married for 9. He dropped the initial bomb on May 21. In June, he said he was "on the fence" and needed "space". We continued to sleep together throughout the entire separation. In September, he dropped the second bomb, but then proceeded to show a little bit of indecision later in the month. On November 4th, he dropped the final bomb and said that he's in love with OW and wanted the D for sure.
I signed the papers on November 14 and our D will be final by next week. New Mexico has no waiting period. I could have delayed it a bit by making him serve me and all of that, but I decided that it was a total 180 for me to just let him go. There's nothing I can do to stop the D, I realize that now.
So, here I am, divorced (essentially). Am I done DBing? I guess not. I love my xH and although I'm not waiting for him, I am keeping my heart open for the time being. We'll see what happens. The OW pushed him into the D (she left her H for my H), so I think this will blow up in his face eventually.
Here are my threads, beginning with the one in MLC. After that, they're all in Separated and are ordered from most recent to least recent.
I had to call xH yesterday to ask about medication for S4. I called twice (well, I left vmails via the service, I didn't actually call his #) and he didn't answer.
He called me back this morning and left me a vmail (I never answer his calls anymore). He said he did get my vmails, but that he was "having lots of problems" and the "sh-t was hitting the fan," stuff like that. He sounded sad and said he didn't have any money to help with medicine.
I didn't call him back.
He called me again tonight at around 6. I didn't answer, as usual. He didn't leave a message.
I'm not calling back, either. I'm about as dark as I can possibly be.
I find it amusing that he's having so much trouble. It may just be financial stuff, but still. The grass ain't so green over there.
Liz, I have been reading reading your posts from time to time even though I haven't posted in a while. Sorry about the D. I think you are being so brave and sooooo strong. You're being so good at not answering his calls - I am amazed. I salute you . Keep up th good work at staying dark and taking care of yourself. I am proud of you. ~PH
I don't know about bravery or strength -- I was thrown into this and did what any of you would do. You just pull yourself up out of the mire and get on with the business of living.
I still have bad days, bad moments...I'm sure I will for quite some time. They are not as painful as they were last week and that gives me hope.
My xH has been calling a lot more frequently. He's called about twice a day since Tuesday. He doesn't leave messages usually (I think he did once). I have not really called him back. I have called his voicemail service and left a message without calling him. We have not spoken directly since Tuesday when papers were filed.
I went over the papers today again and noticed something was not filled out properly. I think the judge may reject the papers. I sent a voicemail to my xH to let him know so that he could try to remedy the situation (if possible). He called me back a few hours later and I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message, so I won't be calling him back.
I guess it sounds like I'm playing games, but the truth is that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I would rather send messages or emails. I don't know why he insists on calling and not leaving messages. I think he must want to speak directly to me, but I can't imagine why. He probably wants to yell at me for something or other.
The way I see it is that he can leave a message with whatever he needs/wants. And I'll leave him a message to answer any questions he has. If he wants to speak to S4, he can say that and I will have S4 call him back without me being involved.
Anyhow, I just think it's kinda weird that he's called me more since filing the papers than he did for the last month or so.
Hi Liz ~ I just found your thread here and didn't realize you were almost divorced. I know you are doing what any of us would do but you are showing a lot of strength and you are doing well. You are a beautiful woman (and I must say you do not look old enough to have children of that age )
It sounds to me as if your xh is realizing the grass isn't as green as he thought over there! We all know they will realize this one day. Some sooner then later.
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
If I were in your boots I'd stay dark too. Considering all the crazy emotional stuff in your H's life right now, I believe that taking a break from him will be healther and more healing for you.
There were times during the divorce when I didn't want to talk with my husband either. I told him to please limit any communication with me to email or text messages, and also to let me know in advance when he was going to pick up and drop off kids so I could be away and avoid seeing him.
This wasn't a game. I just didn't want to see my H. I felt like I was mentally happier and healther without the contact.
You are entitled to your space. Also, now that he's an Ex he has absolutely no claims on your life, no say in what you do who you talk with etc... My husband would say this to me during the divorce and I made sure he realized the same held for me (and believe me that seemed to bother him a lot more than it bothered me!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hope all is well for you. Hope you are treating yourself to some hot baths, or whatever you need right now. Life will be better. I can feel it in the air. Glad you are feeling better this week. I will be thinking about you.
forever21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Quote: lovinghim wrote: You are a beautiful woman (and I must say you do not look old enough to have children of that age )
Thanks!
Quote: lovinghim wrote: It sounds to me as if your xh is realizing the grass isn't as green as he thought over there!
I think it is possible that is what is happening, but it's hard to say. Mostly, when he's talking about how things suck, he's referring to either finances or his job. He has not given me any indication that things have changed with him and OW.
But yes, I do know that they will. It may take a few months, but it will happen. I know it.
Quote: running wrote: If I were in your boots I'd stay dark too.
Yea, it's the only way I can cope right now. I just can't handle talking to him. It's bad enough hearing his voice on voicemail messages.
Quote: running wrote: There were times during the divorce when I didn't want to talk with my husband either. I told him to please limit any communication with me to email or text messages, and also to let me know in advance when he was going to pick up and drop off kids so I could be away and avoid seeing him.
I haven't actually told my xH anything about limiting communication, but he must be getting the hint by now. I guess if he asks, I will tell him how I feel about it.
I wish I could avoid seeing him, but that would be hard at this point. S4 is too small to be left here, of course, and with the way my xH treated D13, I do not want to put her in charge of the transfer of S4 just because I can't handle seeing my xH. So, I have to endure that every other weekend. My strategy will be to have everything ready and meet him outside the apartment with S4 and all of his stuff, say goodbye to S4, and then walk back inside so that my xH doesn't have any real opportunity to talk to me. We'll see if it works!
I'm doing mostly okay. I have my moments. This morning was tough, because I woke up after having a really hot sexual dream about my xH. UUUUUUGGGGGH.
. Keep up th good work at staying dark and taking care of yourself. I am proud of you. ~PH 
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