not waving, but drowning

[notwaving]

Well, I think I’ve got a grip – for the time being at any rate. Thank you to everyone who posted to me on this site. It was so helpful.

I have very recently found the 40/60 forum, through this one.

One of the first posts I came across was from someone, just like me, who questioned the whole ‘authenticity’ of her M. Reading that, and the replies, has helped enormously with getting perspective back with regard to my personal judgment. I am not delusional, but my H is. No question.

At the minute, I am content that H is not here. I have decided that I don’t want to live with him in his current state of mind. I did try it for a couple of months in early summer and it was impossible. So I do have some test of my resolve and this is not just sour grapes on my part.

He is still phoning me daily (except when w/ow) phoned twice last night, which was quite an achievement considering my phone was tied up for most of the evening with other calls & i/net use.

He has volunteered, out of the blue, to come and do some house repairs. Phoned again this morning to confirm arrangements.

I expect nothing.

[notwaving]

Surprisingly H turned up this AM to do those small repairs.

Was ok. I gave him a kiss and thanked him. He seemed ok with that, didn’t give me ‘plague victim’ treatment like I sometimes get.

I had to phone him later about a work issue. He sounded really surprised and pleased to get my call – I really try not to phone him unless necessary, apart from the odd breakdown like I logged b4

It’s very hard to focus on me when I've seen him and things have been good. He’s living a horrible life, and surely will run off totally any time now.

[notwaving]

I do try very hard not to focus on my H.

I have however set myself up to fail in this respect in many ways.

All through our M I have managed the h/hold finances. I’m usually pretty good at this – I work on a simple principle; if I haven’t got it, I can’t spend it. Foolproof.

Since separation, we have separated our finances. My H wished to keep our joint a/c open although only his money went into it. This suited me as some of the h/hold bills went directly out of this a/c and he said to leave them be. He is happy with the idea that I will ‘manage’ his a/c for him. He hasn’t grasped that managing your a/c has more to do with good timing and prudence than just looking at the rapidly falling balance every now and then.

Over the last couple of days or so he has been expressing concern about ‘where all his money has gone’. His concern peaked today – but he says he hasn’t spent much.

I can see how he has reached this conclusion, since he has no ‘dues and demands’ of his own, lives on the road, at his parents or at ows

Having had a look at his expenses, I can see he has overlooked one or two minor details of his expenditure; several large purchases at a jewellers. He is now the proud owner of two vehicles whilst only able to drive one at a time, dirty weekend away hotel bill, restaurant bills for two etc etc etc

I have prepared a copy statement for him and am preparing myself to tell him to close this account with my name on if he is unable to control himself.

I did, in a very unDB way ask him whether he had managed to buy happiness yet. He looked a little p!ssed off.

hmmmn

[keepingthefaithbb7]

notwaving,

I just finished reading your thread. I can't believe how similar our sitches are. I feel that H and I also stopped turning to one another and each tried to fix things in our own way.

H's father passed away and H started dressing younger, working out 5 days a week, losing weight, wanting a tatoo, going out with old friends.

H moved out 17 mo. ago and I too used to console myself that H's A would be over by now, but it isn't. Also seems to be flourishing! I know Ow was and is just a bandaid for H, but A is still going on inspite of what everyone hear says about A's usually ending within 6 months to 1 year.

KTF7

Summary:

Me: 43
H: 40
Kids: d7 (ours), d18,d14 (mine), s14,d16 (his)
Blended family
M: 10 years
Bomb: 9/04
Moved out: 6/05

[angelica]

Sorry to be depressing, but I believe the timeframe for an affair is minimum 6 months to around two years, but sometiems longer in MLC. If it ends as quickly as six months there is usually a lot of desire to return to the affair, which a MLC man finds dificult [read virtually impossible] to resist, or they move on to another one. Replay is said to last around the same period, but I have never heard of someone coming fully out of Replay in 6 months.

This is a long slow process!!
Angelica

[luvdizaster]

Waving~
I tried to post here the other day, but heard the board was locked up...so i will try again today.

I think you are right in wanting him to take control of his finances. I am so sorry you had to find those recent purchases, I can only imagine the pain and rejection you had to have felt. You should not at this point feel bad about your comment to him, because I would've said the same thing. I get diarrhea of the mouth when I am upset or hurt....

Take care and take care of youself!!!!

[notwaving]

Hi luvd,

Nice to see u over here. The finance thing is a bit of a dilemma for me – I don’t actually ‘do’ anything re organising his bank stuff, but I do have access to it if I need it and he pays some of my bills automatically from it, so in one sense I’d be cutting my nose off if I insist its closed. Of course, if he starts to overdraw, I’ll have no option.

If yesterday was bad, H phoned about six times – detached? We’re joined at the hip, today has been difficult. Had to work with H for about 2/3 hrs. He was very ‘ratty’, kept being interrupted by phone, he was shouting/arguing with others. I asked him nicely to stop shouting and he did apologise quite sincerely.

I was doing ok till I had to speak to someone on his cell. When I ended the call to give it back to him, ow’s picture popped up on screen. God did my heart lurch, thought I was going to be sick. She looked quite ordinary for a bloodsucking, home wrecker. Had a nasty smirk on her self satisfied face.

[luvdizaster]

Waving~
again, I can't imagine the pain you must have experienced seeing the OW on his cell. He should have more respect for you than that but then again, selfishness is the root of "their" evil.

It must be hard to have to work with him day in/out. You are an amazing woman!

[notwaving]

I liked the story of the washcloth as told by BND

I have a washcloth story to share, although here, we usually refer to them as facecloths.

Not so many years back, my H’s parents came to stay for a weekend w/us. I have written a little elsewhere about their particularly egocentric natures.

My H and I had facecloths, used daily and usually found hanging on the edge of the bath for convenience; his was dark, mine was cream.

On the first night of their visit, I was the last person to retire to bed after finishing clearing up from dinner.

On entering the bathroom, I saw my cream facecloth, neatly folded on the bath, but thickly smeared with foundation and lipstick. I was a bit taken aback by the fact that my MIL had helped herself to such a personal item that was both damp and evidently previously used, particularly as there were both face cream and cosmetic pads on display and available for her requirements.

I decided, like any considerate hostess, to say nothing to her and simply place the item in the laundry.

I don’t think she would have been too happy to learn that my ‘facecloth’ was reserved solely for washing my ‘intimate area’ and only a short while before she started rubbing it around her face, that was exactly where it had been!

[notwaving]

Would anyone share their thoughts on Christmas gifts for MLCWAS’s?

This will be our 2nd Christmas apart – last year H bought me a bracelet (guilt not gilt) not expensive but, this was the first time in @ three years he had bought something himself rather than ask me or a friend to get what I wanted. I was still shell-shocked, hadn’t got him anything and thought his gift might explode or similar.

I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to get him something this year, but feel I would like to.

He’s also been making a lot of fuss about buying my dog a new ‘igloo’ too.