i wrote my H a letter a couple of days ago. printed it and threw it in the fire.
will copy it here, hope someone will tell me i did the right thing. it does sum up where i think we're going;
Dear H,
I copied the following excerpt for you to read. It’s part of a letter written to a man whose wife had left him.
I think it explains very well the dynamics of what is happening in our relationship. Every day I see you deliberately taking another step away from what we once had. It is very painful to watch. It also explains your inability to discuss anything with me; it is perhaps impossible for you to verbalise these feelings, when ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I love someone else’ are much easier options.
“I share your feelings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.
But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. You need to listen to each other, talk, make love, and show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.
So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.
If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. It’s a rationalization. “
How soon do you think you have walked far enough away to be comfortable with ending our relationship, finally? Of course, that also goes for your business relationships; I believe that you have also have decided here that that venture is not the fun you thought it would be, and you are also distancing from that; knowing that your initial commitment to your business is in good part responsible for the distance that grew between us.
I believe you do recognise that and are determined it will not interfere with your new relationship. When did you recognise that? I am only sorry that you did not feel it was in your interests to similarly invest more of your time in us, before things came to such a sorry pass.
It is very difficult and painful for me to remain a ‘friend’ to you. You are my husband. I feel at the moment, that you care little for my personal needs or comfort, and the continued contact we have serves mainly to comfort you as you deliberately proceed away toward your wonderful new life.
I remain, until it suits you otherwise; Your loving wife.
The excerpt in the letter i think came off one of the resource boards here.
