not waving, but drowning

[notwaving]

I feel so at home with some of the lunacy I read about on this board.

I hope you have room for another refugee seeking sanctuary.

A post I read tonight by Brandnewday more or less sums up what happened to me and my H;



I think my H hit a breaking point and needed to escape from everything.
This did not mean he didn't love me or the family.
He was on overload.
He could no longer cope.
Lost weight, working out, new clothes, new life, etc.

I guess my point is this...

I know for my own marriage we stopped turing to one another and turned away from each other.

Something snapped and I think we were just so scared and so angry with the situation that instead of going to councelling we each tried to fix things in our own way.



With the exceptions that my H has put on loads of weight and his new life revolves around ow everything else fits.

I am 15 months post bomb. Things are in some ways better than a year ago, in other ways worse. Back then I could console myself with the thought that H’s affair would be over by now. It seems to be flourishing.
I am STUCK.

I will try to link my first thread, but I believe I have rambled and ranted more than a little there and still haven’t told everything that’s happened yet.


Summary;
Me 43
H 42
M 13y
1 mad dog, 2 fat sheep, 2 elderly finches
bomb Aug 05

my thread

[notwaving]

My H phoned about half an hour ago. He has a ‘long weekend’ away planned for next week with ow.

He was complaining to me that his business partner is not happy about this as there is a lot on next week.

I don’t know what he expected me to say. What I did say was “how come u never took me away for a weekend? U used to tell me u were too busy”

He went quiet for about 2 secs (long time 4 my H) replied “oh well, I probably won’t be able to go anyway”

End of conversation.

What’s going on??

[always_14]

Sorry you're here, but we welcome you.

Keep posting us your sitch. Sorry this is all so painful. You're right, it gets easier in some ways, harder in others. In the end, you realize how amazingly strong you are and it's a great feeling.

Tell us more about your sitch. Regardless, detaching is key. Don't know what that means in your case, perhaps letting go more, of contact, etc. Letting him out there to go through his MLC?

[notwaving]

Always

thanks for you reply.

i've read quite a lot of your sit. you always seem to sound very grounded despite all that goes on.

I'm so confused - i've read so much pain here, a lot of folks in the same boat, but all needing their own answers. it's so true, there's no 'one size fits all' in this business.

i'm about six hrs ahead of the BB time, so it's pretty late here.

will post again tomorrow hopefully.

thanks again 4 your reply.

[notwaving]

I've copied this from my last post;

i wrote my H a letter a couple of days ago. printed it and threw it in the fire.

will copy it here, hope someone will tell me i did the right thing. it does sum up where i think we're going;

Dear H,

I copied the following excerpt for you to read. It’s part of a letter written to a man whose wife had left him.

I think it explains very well the dynamics of what is happening in our relationship. Every day I see you deliberately taking another step away from what we once had. It is very painful to watch. It also explains your inability to discuss anything with me; it is perhaps impossible for you to verbalise these feelings, when ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I love someone else’ are much easier options.



“I share your feelings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.

But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. You need to listen to each other, talk, make love, and show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.

So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.

If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. It’s a rationalization. “



How soon do you think you have walked far enough away to be comfortable with ending our relationship, finally? Of course, that also goes for your business relationships; I believe that you have also have decided here that that venture is not the fun you thought it would be, and you are also distancing from that; knowing that your initial commitment to your business is in good part responsible for the distance that grew between us.

I believe you do recognise that and are determined it will not interfere with your new relationship. When did you recognise that? I am only sorry that you did not feel it was in your interests to similarly invest more of your time in us, before things came to such a sorry pass.

It is very difficult and painful for me to remain a ‘friend’ to you. You are my husband. I feel at the moment, that you care little for my personal needs or comfort, and the continued contact we have serves mainly to comfort you as you deliberately proceed away toward your wonderful new life.

I remain, until it suits you otherwise;
Your loving wife.

The excerpt in the letter i think came off one of the resource boards here.

[notwaving]

I think what i've come here for is not only to share stuff with good people who really understand from the inside what this is like.

But also, for some honest and frank opinions. i know sometimes i look at other posts i can see that altho the person is trying to detach or whatever, they may actually be pursuing or something. What i'm trying to say is that often we are too close to our own sit. to really see whats going on.

At least, i beleive i am.

i don't know how to act with my H. i don't want to push him away - he gets very childish with me when i let his calls go. when i answer sweetly and make him feel i am happy, it just seems to validate his behaviour.

i really would appreciate any opinions (can't be told anything worse than H has said) to help me get a grip on this.

please ask any questions for clarification, i know my posts are all over the place.

[Iwondertooo]

Ok sweets, I will try. Here is my advice. Stay strong. it sounds to me like your husband was not there really for you ever. And for sure he is not there now. Stop being afraid of him and what he will do. That's not easy, but important. What do you want?? How about someone who wants you and respects you and appreciates you.

I am a long time over the hill but but it still pisses me off what these people can do. Hang in there, take care of you, I recommend hot baths. MLC is no joke. He is not thinking like you. Wonder

[luvdizaster]

just coming over here to see you...

i hope you can find some help here...

i will keep posting to you cuz you have been so extremely helpful to me!

[notwaving]

Wonder. Thanks for your reply.

I appreciate and applaud your frankness, I’ve seen a few instances on the BB where posts given with good intent have been misunderstood or caused offence. I’ve not come here to hide from the truth, but to expose it and deal with it. Nothing is more frightening than the unknown.

>>it sounds to me like your husband was not there really for you ever.<<

In your first lines, you have exposed the very heart of my fear. I was not aware I had made it obvious. This shows exactly what I meant; other people can see things we can’t see ourselves.

I am a Libra by birth; the Scales of my sign serve well as an analogy of my thought processes. I need to achieve the balance, and keep adding/removing to each side of the ‘mental argument’ to attain this.

On the surface of it, I enjoyed 10 years of very happy M followed by a 3yr spiral down into h#ll.

I can remember this one time, when I was blessed to be happy and know it; I think I was still working full time. I had got home in the evening; it was cold and wintry outside. I had got the fire lit, it was warm and cosy inside, my H had just phoned to say he was on his way home and I was rushing about getting dinner ready for his arrival. In the act of grovelling in the pan cupboard, I was suddenly engulfed by such an immense feeling of well-being, fulfilment and content, I can only call it bliss. It was the sort of moment you could live on for the rest of your life.

Anyway, I put this moment on my handy scales. It epitomises my feelings about the first 10 yrs of our M. On the other side I place selfish, a$$hole, deceitful, lying, wh#re-sha##ing b#stard H.

They do not balance.

The only way I can achieve balance is to add to ‘magic moment side’ a big helping of self-delusion, poor judgement and total blindness to reality

The above equation undermines and ridicules one whole quarter of my life, which knowledge I cannot swallow without choking.

The fact that my H still will wishes to remain attached to me, in some form or other, could be a blessing or a curse; he is either a sociopath feeding on my remains, or he is experiencing an ‘extreme temporary adjustment’ of some sort, and he too is clinging to the raft of our M through this.

Can u explain how you picked up on this fear? If you can’t, that’s ok, my scales will have to wobble wildly for a bit longer!

I haven’t read your sit. What answers do you seek yourself? I will help if I can.

[notwaving]

luvd,

hang on in there.

will call in on u later.

xx