Struggling..

[cat03]

i just cant explain it all..i cant understand everything and why it happened..

You'll never be able to explain her behavior, though if you look really hard at your M you'll see why somethings happened, there is never a good excuse for an A, but what I mean is that there were signs we LBS didnt' get.

im just waiting to see if she will stick by me and stick it out like i did...in the back of mind i think i only want to leave just to see if she would fight for me like i did her...

Well, with this kind of attitude your M is doomed, you are not putting your all to restore your R, you want to see "what if", you are still stuck on "feelings".
When I told our C (H was next to me) that H didnt' feel the same, C said "feelings come and go, it's the commitment that pulls people together."
Your are setting yourself up for failure, piecing is hard business, and anything less than hard work will just destroy whatever progress you've achieved.

My H was pretty baffled that I forgave all the crap he did, he even told me that if the sitches were switched he'd never forgive me, he'd be too mad. Did I leave him when he said that? nope, I'm still here w/him.
He was always very perplexed as how well I handled it all, he'd look around the house and would ask me "how do you do it? if it would've been you who left this house wouldnt' even be standing, the place would be a disaster, I wouldnt' know what to do!".

Would you leave her if you knew she couldn't forgive you?