There is not a lot I could add that TL and Cat didn't already cover -
I can however give you a quick perspective - because I think that if you really put the power of DR/DB to work, it should be life altering - but like anything sometimes as we change ourselves, the journey can be tiring and can also inject a lot of self doubt. I know I have had similar thoughts about "sticking around". But I would rather spin it like TL did.
I stayed and I worked on the M because it was the right thing to do - not solely from a moral perspective but because I did make a promise to my W (and implicitly to my kids afterward) that I would weather better or worse. In the end, I feel NO shame and in fact I beat out the OM - as you have - for that you should feel a deep sense of pride. To have run off or away would have been perhaps been the least courageous thing to do. In fact, what I have found is that many have come to me and told me straight out that *I* am crazy to have taken her back. My answer is "we're worth all that I fought for".
So now a bit of a 2x4 - this is about you. I'm not sure, but it seems that you might have used DB/DR to win the battle, but have dropped it. Remember DB'g needs to become almost a part of your life - part of the core. There isn't a WAS out there that didn't run off because things were great in their M/R. They did so because something was missing. DB helps us, the LBS to realise that we need to be accountable for that missing piece, to find it, fix it, and keep it going. That serves the relationship well, and if done very well, brings our WAS back.
Look, I'm not discounting your feelings, they are likely very real. However, if there is something you don't like about yourself, YOU have to be the one to fix it. And I don't think you want to wait around for another bomb to give you that reminder. Here too, I am speaking from recent experience - I started putting the weight back on - wasn't exercising enough (granted I was lucky - I lost that magical 30 lbs too, but only managed to put back 10). But I started to get disgusted with how I was looking. Actually, two weeks ago I saw a recent photo and could see the weight coming back to my face.
Sooooo, I kicked my self in the arse and said, get your butt back on the treadmill - make time, at least 4 days a week to exercise. Been doing for the past 3 weeks and low and behold, 5+ lbs are GONE.
I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. I've been a long advocate that happiness comes from the inside. You need to look deep - find the things that would make you happy and go for them. Don't forget to GAL and get out there an exercise - simply one of the best ways to keep that head straight - endorphines rock.
If need be, state your goals here - we'll keep you honest.
Onward and upward.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
