Struggling..

[cat03]

hi, I understand how you feel, having canned our hurt and feelings for so long, now that our Ss are back we are finally able to bring out all those emotions we had to surpress.
I also had times when I'd think "ok, maybe D is the answer" specially after an argument. Unlike your W, my H came to me totally empty and the first months he was half in daze, still coming to terms w/what had happen and how much he had failed, so he had nothing to give me.

I know I also want to feel he came back because deep inside he really never stopped loving me... you know where we get that feeling? from movies, real life doesnt' work that way. I asked my H point blank why he came back, he did 'cause (and I quote him) "you seemed to want me back and wanted to know if there was anything left for me from "better times". That was not the answer I expected, but that was the truth, and he warned me I might not like it.

Whatever the reason, let's look at the outcome, we have our Ss back, when they were away we were willing to take them no matter what, ok, so now we got what we asked for.

I think you are the better man by being forgiving and taking her back, a proud hard-headed man wouldn't have done what you did.

She should be able to tell you some things, I know my H didnt' want to talk about he A at all, I got some truth through some arguments, a few through some calm and frank dialog-in which I had to totally drop my accusing and hurt tone. But it was always like pulling teeth.

It's also been a rollercoaster for me after 7 mths of my H being back, I highly recommend you read "healing the hurt in your M" it will help you cope with those feelings you have now, hang in there.