Struggling..

[toughlover]

maybe im embarrased that i could still love my W after she has done such a thing,how can i feel like a man..i feel like she just walked all ocver me until she had nowhere else to turn

I hear you, bro. Been there..still there sometimes. Those feelings are pretty routine. But it isn't about her. It's about who you are and, even more important, about your kids. You made a commitment to love her for better or for worse. Well, she dished you out a big steaming pile of worse. Your kids need you to make good on the commitment, for their sake. And chances are, while you may not have cheated on her, you didn't give her your best either. I know I didn't give my W my best.

So the question is...how good can things be when you both give each other your best?

I think if you stay the course and are both truly committed to working things out, you will feel better one day...it'll probably take a while. It has/is for me, but it does get a little better every day if you're both working towards better.

It sounds like you've got a lot of positives in your favor.

If you haven't gone to a good solution-based MC, that would probably help you guys a lot, and help you with a lot of that stuff you're feeling.

All the DB stuff is still important even when you're together, because those principles aren't simply tricks to get your spouse back...in fact, they're just the opposite. They're fundamental changes to help you become the strong individual you need to be in order to truly share yourself and your life with someone else, as opposed to being too dependant upon someone else for your well-being.

It's just that, for many, it's easier in some ways to just quit. In my case I decided that I wasn't going to quit because that wouldn't be right or best for my kids. I decided I'd do my best and if my W decided to quit, at least I could look myself, my kids, and my family in the eye and say I did my best no matter what.

It's still your choice and hers too. But it can be done because people do it. I'm not "there" yet, but I'm much closer than I ever thought I'd be.