I would like to agree with her that maybe you might be doing too much. Now if you really have this great feeling of giving, and you have such a great desire to do these things for her, NOT TO GET HER BACK, but because you really want to do them, then it's probably okay.
GrassHopper said that to me once I think.
You may need to cool things down a bit, just so it's not so overwhelming and it may feel like pressure to her.
At least you kept your cool and the convo ended on a good note.
I'm really sorry it didn't go how you wanted.
IMHO, a best friend IS your spouse, so hang in there.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm not in a very good place, mentally, right now. I don't know if it's the season or what. But I'm wondering how long I can keep up the fight. I've become what I thought she wanted and it seems like it's not good enough. I told her that she's had a preview of what life could be and if she doesn't want it eventually someone will. Maybe I shouldn't have said that but for some reason it's been a rough weekend and I cant put my finger on why.
well, if you were a woman, I would suggest that maybe you were pmsing. haha. that happened to me every month!
But really, you are going to have times like this. Hopefully not very often, but they will happen. We can't be strong all the time. We will have doubts creep in. We will have anger set in. Resentment. Even wonder about our sanity and if we can keep making ourselves go thru this hell. But really, you can do this. You've come a long way. When I first found your thread, she was totally scared of you, and didn't want anything to do with you, right? In the last couple months, she's opened up a lot to you, has confided in you, flirted even, and has talked about her fantasies with you in it!
You just have to stay strong. And you know what? You have enough reason to end your M and move on with your life. But you had made the decision that you still want her as your W, not someone else. I think it would be good to just really continue to grow as a person, and better yourself, and get involved with friends and etc, and continue to have contact with her, but don't make her the only reason for your life. Don't try so hard to make it happen.
Like I said, because she went so far with her A, it is going to be even harder for her to come back to you. It is going to be hard for her to break up with the OM, and swallow her pride and admit that she messed up. And it is going to take a long time to prove to her who you really are.
Really think about that last line. How many years were you guys together? How many of those years were you NOT the H that you should have been? Now how many years, or weeks more like, have you been the NEW you? It's just not enough time for her to really believe that this is really you. It took my husband 3 full months (which I think was really shorter than most), and that was him only having the A for 5-6 months. Your W is living with her OM, and I'm sure it's been longer than 6 months that they have been together.
Just try to get out of this funk that your having, and then look at this all over again. Maybe set a date for yourself in the future that will mean that that time you will decide if you want to keep pursuing this road or not. And if not, it doesn't necessarily mean that you guys can't get back together anyways. I mean, do you think that you would meet the perfect woman that would replace her that quickly?
Anyways, I'm sorry to hear that you are down. This time of the year is supposedly the worst for people having depression. It is this time of the year that reminds us of being with family and the ones we love, and so on. And if we don't have the ones we love, well, I don't need to say more.
Focus on your children during this time. They can be a good distraction!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm trying to keep things in perspective. Months ago she was scared to even be near me. Now she wants to be best friends...I know that is progress. I'm just so afraid of becoming her best friend and then being stuck with just that. The idea of first building a solid friendship is great and I hope that is something we can do...but the thought of only being her friend scares me.
I am feeling a bit better. I dont know if I mentioned it before but I used to coach high school wrestling...well I had a chance to get back into it this year at a new school and it is keeping me pretty busy. On down days I know wrestling will cheer me up.
I'm glad your feeling better too. I would be scared too. My H never was at that point that your W is at. H was either totally distant and very seldom became intimate (only in the bdroom) or ready to be with me. So, I don't know what it would feel like to be in your shoes.
Lets just say worse case scenerio, if you guys continue to be friends and she never comes back, well, at least you guys ARE friends because their are children involved. I know it still sucks, but your children will benefit so much from that, versus you and your wife not getting along at all and being totally distant.
But I still think things can work out for you guys, it's just gonna take some time.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I need some gift ideas. W said things like flowers are a bit much and she would rather have "sweet and subtle" rather than in your face stuff. On our anniversary I sent her a txt with little flowers saying that I couldn't let the day go without sending her flowers. She said that was swwet and subtle. So now I need a few more ideas so I can get her something for christmas.
I'll have to think about that one. I'm not good at ideas myself. But I'll let you know if I think of something.
Is there any place that she's wanted to go to? Like a certain ballet, or movie, or something. Or maybe she might like to be pampered at a salon, and get a pedicure, or massage, or whatever she wants.
that's all I can think of now. What are her interests?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
One idea I have is to get her a brochure for a trip to the pocanos. She's always wanted to go there, but I was never interested. I thought about getting the brochure and putting a note on with it like "imagine the fantasy possibilities"
She loves Victoria's Secret (what woman doesn't) but I dont wanna get anything that would benefit someone else...if ya know what i mean.
Same with the salon ideas, those would be great but I'd feel like I was making her hotter for him. Am I looking at this wrong?
I wouldn't do the VS, for the same reason you brought up. Although... it could be good, but I think the chances of that are slim.
On the trip thing, that sounds really cool, but what if she takes OM, then that would REALLY suck.
I don't know.
Is there a way to get something from the pocanos, or something about the pocanos, like a painting, or I don't know.
I'm sorry, I'm not good at this!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm not buying a trip to the pocacnos...yet. I just want to get the idea out there that I didn't forget and now that I'm less self centered I would love to take her at some point. I kinda just want to pint out that I'm listening to what she wants.
