Thank you so much for your constant attention to my sitch..you and the success you've had make me want to keep fighting...thank you so much.
Quote: I'd really like to know what you said in response to her comment, and why she even said that in the first place.
I told her that I understand why she feels that way. I asked her if she doesn't trust me cause she thinks I'd stray (If you remember that was an issue before we were married). I asked her if the trust is violence related(again go back to the beginning of the sitch). She said a little of both. I told her that I am different, pointed out a few things that I've listened to and adjusted...like buying her sunflowers and daisies(her favorites) rather than roses(mine). In the end I told her that she can trust me, I've told her how I feel and what I want but she is the one that has to take a step in that direction.
Quote:
I would suggest if this ever comes up again, or maybe write her a letter (like I did) and mention the following. I totally understand why you are skeptical of my behavior. i would be too if I were in your shoes. However, I have learned that I have not been the man/husband that God has called me to be, and I am so excited about the change that He is making in my life and I plan for this to be a lifelong change for me
I have told her this in a bit different language. I'm not much of a religious person so I didn't throw GOd in there, but I have told her that I want a chance to prove I'm the man I promised her I would be when we got married. That I just wanted one chance to live up to that promise. And I have told her that I understand why she is skeptical, and she absolutely has a right to feel that way.
Quote: Now YOU can be that OM in her life, and you just continue to be that fun and compassionate man that she missed out all those years.
I was kind feeling like the OM for a bit until she had to start playing nurse maid to him.
The last couple days have been a little tuff for me cause I had gotten used to talking to her during my breaks at school, but with him home she hasn't bothered to call. I am not gonna be the one who gives in here, I'm just gonna occupy myself until she calls me. Shouldn't be a problem..between school and coaching I have plenty to do during the week and weekends with the kids so I guess we'll see how long this takes.
I'm really hoping to start seeing some movement in the right direction...I've been at this for over six months. But at the same time I realize it could be that much longer or more.........
I'm glad that I've been of some help to you. Half the time I'm really clueless, but then again, no one is going to just know the right answers. We just have to try and see what works and what doesn't.
It really sounds like your focus is much better lately too. I know towards the beginning it seemed really hard for you, and I don't even think I could imagine going thru what you have. But you've done such a great job and have really improved yourself and eventually she will see and trust that it is the real you.
If ever there is a time when I haven't written back for a while, it may just be that I'm pre-occupied with the family life, but I will always check back. So I appologize for that before it happens!
If you guys ever talk about the trusting and your changes again, I think that I would refrain from saying "you can trust me now". not that it was a bad thing to say, but I think it won't really help her trust you more. That can only come from inside her, and I think making those comments will be associated with pressuring. just MHO
Also, try not to give too much information about what your doing, as in the flowers. You want her to be curious about what is going on inside of you. That's what my DB counselor said. He said to me to be almost mysterious and vague. otherwise you lose some excitement and intrigue.
Of course, I think everything your doing is great, and your doing a wonderful job. Hang in there, and I'll talk to you soon.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I am doing a good job of acting like I'm doing better. If that makes sense. I don't let other people see me get upset...especially her. I do have my anger and jealousy under control...most of the time.
I am changed, though I realize it's not a complete change. I have taken steps in the right direction but I'm not there yet.
The last couple days I haven't talked to her, I'm trying to make sure that she is the one making the first move when it comes to conversation. Anyway she called to talk about some insurance she's trying to get for the kids. My phone kept losing signal so she said she call back, asked when a good time would be I told her 10 or 15 minutes, she said okay. So now it's quite a bit later and she still hasn't called back, I'll be surprised if she does today. I do know I won't be calling her. I've got enough homework to keep me busy.
Well I was wrong...she actually called back. She made a little joke "has it been 10 minutes?" I said "Actually more like 11." We kept it just business, but she did ask how my week was going. This is a small sign to me cause last time I saw her she made a point to tell me to have a good week. Maybe a little baby step?
Yes, I think it is a baby step. You have to look at all the little things, and try to get past the bad things. I think things are encouraging for you. And especially because YOU know that you have changed, but it's still not a complete change for you, that this is going to take a long time.
But in some way, this is a good thing. We want you to become the complete man that you were made to be. If you and your W get together too soon, it will be so much easier for you to fall into your old patterns again. The best thing that can happen truthfully, is that you become the best man that you can be and it is so ingrained in you that you will never go back to who you used to be (a person that really wasn't you, it was a person that you allowed to control your life, the angry person, the jealous person, who is the person you don't want to be and are getting rid of). Then, will it be perfect for your W to come back to you because she will know who you really are, the real man that has been hidden by all this anger all of these years, and your R will be much stronger and you can start a whole new R with her.
Of course your probably thinking, well thats crappy, I don't wanna WAIT!! SORRY
Now that my sitch is almost over (I hope!) I almost feel like it happened all too fast, and I wish it happened slower cause there are so many times when I think.. could it happen again? what if..blah blah..? etc. Of course I'm so thankful that my trial is over, and I really do hope yours will be over soon because it is soooo hard to go thru.
But you can do it!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Actually I have told her that I don't want to jump right bcak into things. I've told her that I just want a chance to prove I'm different so we can build a new R.
I really don't want to jump back into the R, I know it would be to easy to go back. I just want time together to rebuild the love and trust that we used to have.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Well wife called me today(OM wasn't home), we talked for about an hour about the kids and just some bs...was a pretty good convo. During it she asked how my night went lats night(she knows every thutsday I go out be drinks at the local bar), I told her that it wasn't great and she pushed for why. So I told her that a girl I had dated in the last few months was there and it resulted in a bunch of drama. Resulted in this mini-convo W "SO all the stuff you said was bs?" M "what was bs? All the stuff I've said over the last few weeks?" W "yeah" M "No it wasn't bs, the way I feel about you isn't bs. Saying that I want to be with you isn't bs. Saying that I wouldn't want to be with other people if we were together isn't bs, but I'm also not just gonna sit here on the couch and wait for you to call either." W "I don't expect you to"
From there we just kinda got back into talking about the kids and joked around a bit. For the most part I think it was a pretty good convo. Any thoughts?
Yes, I think it was a good convo. I also was surprised about you have dating someone lately, but she is living with another man, so...
I think your response was well handled too.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
