Got back from my maine trip a couple hours ago. I'm pretty tired and should call it an early night.
A few things that have been on my mind, but I haven't mentioned them to W. 1. the other day she called to ask me some odd cell phone question that she could have asked anyone. 2. She called me yesterday to see how my trip was going..kinda odd. 3. last night she texted me to ask the start time of the ufc fight cause she new I was watching it in maine with my brother...agian out of character for her.
I guess best case scenario this is her looking for reasons to talk to me. Worst case it's me looking to deep into things. I'm gonna stand by and see how this goes.
The last couple days I've texted her a couple compliments in an effort to meake her feel good about herself. I was never one to do that before so hopefully I'm doing the right thing here. I guess in time we'll find out.
Hey, I'm glad you were still checking your old post. I didn't even know you made a new one.
I totally agree with everyone that you should NOT help her financially. You'll only make it easier for her to be where she is. She needs to be MISERABLE! And only not miserable when she is in your company.
I'm not so sure that buying her a car was the right thing to do, however, I think that if you make it like your "loaning" it to her, or that when she has the means, she can pay you back. That way she will think, maybe you aren't reading so much into how she acts with you. And you are also making her responsible for her own actions.
I also agree that the only help you should do, is in regards for your children. If she needs any help now, it should come from the OM, not you. Because that is who she has decided to be with. Now our hope, is that in the future, she will learn and realize how unhappy she really is (because your not helping her every need, and the OM isn't really what she wants) and that YOU are the one she wants to be with. THEN, you can help her, or if she decides to leave her OM and go alone, then I think it would be appropriate to give some help like she were a friend in need.
In regards to the phone sex... that is cool! But just as you have learned.. don't read too much into it all. There were a few times my H was intimate with me, and then later tried to avoid me, almost as if he thought he made a mistake. That really hurt me.
Also, please make sure your not the one contacting her. Let her do that for the most part. You want it to be her to make this decision and you don't want any pressure on her whatsoever. This is going to take a long time, but you have made a decision that you want her back, so now you just have to prove to her by your actions that you ARE a changed man. This was also what brought my H back, but he told me he needed to make sure for himself that I was really changed and not just doing what a book told me to do. For you, because of the circumstance you were in, and the "hell" (for lack of a better word) you had put your wife in during the M, it's going to take you a long time to prove to her you are changed. So be patient. The results are already showing, but you don't want to screw it up. It's going to be slow. Besides the fact that she will need to decide to want to be with you again, she will have to break off another relationship to do it, so this will be hard.
I do think that she is calling you to have reasons to call you, or that she just wants to talk to you because you've become a more interesting and loving You. Be happy about it, but don't dwell and analize it because it will only cause you to struggle and stress.
Remember to not overdo the compliments or gifts, or whatever, because it will seem contrived and not sincere.
talk to you soon
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Quote: I'm not so sure that buying her a car was the right thing to do, however, I think that if you make it like your "loaning" it to her, or that when she has the means, she can pay you back. That way she will think, maybe you aren't reading so much into how she acts with you. And you are also making her responsible for her own actions.
The car thing is definately just a means of helping her not giving her a gift. She is fully aware that she needs to repay me. I asked her if I typed something up (kind of a lein) if she would sign it and she said she would. So she knows it's not a hand out. Plus I'm hoping it gives me an opportunity to redeem myself a bit. If you remember I had her car repoed cause I quit paying for it back in spring...she still dwells on that a bit. So hopefully this takes away some of that pain.
Quote: Also, please make sure your not the one contacting her. Let her do that for the most part. You want it to be her to make this decision and you don't want any pressure on her whatsoever.
For the most part she is the one that calls me first. there are days that I could set a clock by it. I have noticed that she never calls me when he's around (he's got a bit of a jealousy thing going according to her). But there are days when I do call her, I'm really trying to keep it business though.
Quote: Remember to not overdo the compliments or gifts, or whatever, because it will seem contrived and not sincere.
This is a tough one. I know I could over due it but at the same time one of her problems with our old R is that I never noticed when she looked good and that I never complimented her. I just want her to know that I do think she is beautiful. But I will keep an eye on it...try to control it a bit.
Sounds like you are doing a good job. I still don't think it was really you being a meanie getting her car repoed. I mean, she had already moved out right? That was just one of the consequences she needed to face because of the choices she made. But you writing up a "lein" (definitely do that) is great.
Do continue the compliments, but just make sure there is reason to do it. If you really think she looks good, then tell her, or maybe instead of saying, you look good, or wow, you look pretty tonight, you could say, that blouse looks really good on you, or if she changed her hairstyle you could mention that. We just want her to believe what your saying and that your not just saying these things to get her back. Which, in a way your are, but you do plan to continue complimenting her if you guys get back to gether, so it's really a life changing thing for you.
Anyways, sounds all good to me. You just hang in there!
Believe me, I would love my husband to shower me with compliments. i get one about 3 times a year. oh well. Wish it had been me leaving and him begging to get me back, but had it happened that way, he wouldn't have begged for me back, so I guess it all works out in the end.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Today she called me right after I woke up to see if I could run to the store and pick something up for her. She's been pretty sick lately with the flu or a cold or whatever. So I said I would drop of what she needs on my way to school in about an hour. It is taking evreything that I have not to point out to her that I am the one she is still relying on and I am the one that is taking care of her. I hope she sees all of these little things I am doing and appreciates it.
Also decided to have flowers sent to the house again. I know it may be a bit much, but I do it to get under his skin a bit too. We had talked about flowers last week and I always just send her what I like so she listed a few that she likes better. I'm going to have one of her favorites sent this time. And hopefully the flowers will make her feel a little better about being sick...cheer her up a bit.
Don't get me wrong, I don't wish anyone any harm. I don't want anyone to get hurt...but damn karma is a bitch. Today OM fell off a roof with a saw in hand and cut off one finger and had the saw cut up the back of his leg. Hopefully he heels okay, but I would guess this is gonna put a bit of a strain on their financial sitaution. With her income going down and now I'm guessing he won't be working for a little while things are gonna get tight in dream land.
She said she enjoyed the flowers I sent but the timing was real bad. How was I to know he'd be having an accident.
well that's my news for the day, happy thanksgiving to all if I don't make it on the board.
wow that sucks. I was going to suggest just sending one flower that was her favorite. I think it would seem more personal and not seeming like you were "buying" her love back. But I guess I'm too late
Sorry to hear about what happened. I don't know what you should do about when she asks you to do something that she should be asking the OM to do.
DOES ANYONE HAVE THOUGHTS ON THAT?
Have you ever said, "oh, xxx isn't able to do that for you?, sure I would be able to.".. don't know if that's good either though.
you have a good thanksgiving too. I'll be gone for a week probably so hang in there!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Since OM fell off the roof I have had little to no contact with W. It seems like she has to be at his beckin call or something. I;ve noticed she won't talk to me when he is around and I let her know (probably shouldn't have). It's kinda disheartening to know that he's gonna be laying around for awhile so she's gonna be avoiding me. I was getting to point where I thought we were reconnecting on at least a friend level. But It seems that's all out the window now. I guess I really have nothing better to do than sit around and watch how this develops. Time will tell.
With the situation the way that is, her living with OM and now he'll be around alot more after his accident, our time to talk will be severely cut. How can I continue down the right path without even being able to talk to her.
Today she says it still seems like I am just doing nice things do get what I want, that it's not real. To an extent she is right, I am doing things to get what I want but not entirely so. I'm also doing them just to make her feel a little bit better. She is still afraid that if I got what I want that things would be like they were before.
okay, first I am upset because I typed you a really long mesg and the site was slow, so I copied it, but then forgot to go back and paste, and now I have to do it all over again!!!! I'm sorry!
lemme see if I remember.
Although you probably think it was bad, what your W said, I think it was promising. She apparently has thought at some point, about what would happen if she got back with you. So this is good. What you need to do now, is show her, with time, that this is a lifelong change for you, and it's not just to win her back so that you can go back to your old self once you have her. It's just going to take a LONG time, IMHO. Compared to my sitch, your W went a lot further with her A than mine, so this might be a long haul for you, but you can win!
I'd really like to know what you said in response to her comment, and why she even said that in the first place.
This was something my H went thru and he told me he was waiting to see if this was really me, or if I was just doing this to get him back. Apparently, he believed that it was the real "improved" me, because we are back together trying now.
I would suggest if this ever comes up again, or maybe write her a letter (like I did) and mention the following. I totally understand why you are skeptical of my behavior. i would be too if I were in your shoes. However, I have learned that I have not been the man/husband that God has called me to be, and I am so excited about the change that He is making in my life and I plan for this to be a lifelong change for me."
I wrote something very identical to my H and he said it did help him.
Also, now, you really need to make sure that these changes for you are who you want to be and that they BECOME you. I know that we do these things in the hope that our W will come back to us, but we ultimately need to do these things for US. No matter what happens, these changes will improve our future lives no matter who we are with.
I would bet that these changes you are making, are making yourself feel better as a person, not just making her feel better. To love, means to give of oneself to another. It is a choice we must make, but when we do love/give, it will ultimately reward us as well.
As for your W not getting to see you, and being occupied with the OM. I think that might not be so bad, and could work in your favor. Now it will be HER that has to decide, "do I really love this person?" because it seems like she is waiting on him hand and foot. Now YOU can be that OM in her life, and you just continue to be that fun and compassionate man that she missed out all those years.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
